Monday, October 23, 2017

The Power of No: life lesson in boundaries

Boundaries. It is a term that everyone is familiar with but have a struggle creating them or even enforcing them. It is a lesson that I am still learning myself. It has taken me a long time to recognize how I allow others to trample over me. Personal boundaries are important to healthy relationships and a productive life. These boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that an individual creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for others to behave toward him or herself as well as how an individual will respond if someone violates those limits. The essential key to enforce our boundaries is No. No is seen as negative and usually met with anger and disappointment; however it is the power in which we can protect ourselves and show others how we deserve to be treated, respected and loved. There is power and strength in the word No.


No is often associated with negative feelings. And in a society where Yes is celebrated, it’s hard for people to hear no. However, there is a surge of strength when a person says No and means it. It is a moment of a clear choice. It is a tool and a barrier we establish and maintain (maintenance is very important) a distinct boundary. No carves and supports the space that we recognize as our personal limits. The closer we get to maintain the boundary, the stronger we are. It takes strength to say no and we gain strength by saying no (Stills 2013). No matter how gently you say it, No is a negative event and the receiver may feel bad, disappointed or even angry. No can lead to conflict which many of us like to avoid which is why we say Yes when we mean No. No tests the health, quality and equity of your relationships. If someone is willing to end a relationship with you simply because you denied their request, then he or she is not a person you need in your life. When No is used often enough and wisely, it can help you have a peace of mind about the decisions and direction of your life. You have the right to defend your life, to take care of you. You have the right to put yourself first when necessary. Unfortunately, with some people, you give them an inch and they will take a mile.


Imagine a situation when someone comes to you with a request. They ask you to do something for them and your first instinct is to say No. According to psychologist Sarri Gilman, this is your inner compass which helps you decide your morals, beliefs and other choices we face every day (TEDx Talk December 15, 2015). The ability to say No is an essential element of one’s inner moral compass. This inner compass According to organizational psychologist Adam Grant, “When you are able to say No, people are careful to come with you with only meaningful requests” (Stills 2013). Saying No and meaning it help your Yes have more meaning in the future. Saying Yes all the time will leave you stressed out, overwhelmed and burned out. Blogger Jennifer Rollin has three tips to maintain your boundaries and saying No. First, practice tuning in to your inner sense of yes and no. This is the inner compass which Sarri Gilman discusses. When we ignore our inner compass and say the opposite, it causes problems and stress. Second, learn how to tolerate the reactions of others. In other words, do not internalize their disappointment or anger when you say no. Having no boundaries in a relationship can lead to bitterness and resentment over time. Lastly, engage in acts of compassionate self-care. Self-care is essential to our well-being. We all need time to relax, to unwind, to recharge. As the adage says “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Find something that can help you relax. It could be something you enjoy like reading or going to the movies. Something in which you can turn your mind off for a while and disengage.


There are five situations which benefit from increasing our strength to say no (Stills 2013). First, when saying No helps you keep true to your principles and values. When someone asks us to do something that would go against our beliefs, but we find it hard to say no because we want to be liked by that individual. We often say Yes because it is a by-product of the desire to be liked. But liking yourself and your decision sometimes only comes when you say No. Second, when saying No helps protect yourself from exploitation. The best way to protect yourself from those who demand and feel entitled to receive their request is by being strong enough to say a firm, clear and calm No. “No is a necessary life shield against the charming users who sniff out the softies” (Stills 2013). Third, saying No when it keeps you focused on your goals. No is a necessary tool to keep your goals in mind and to do your job instead of someone else’s. Fourth, when saying no protects you from abuse by others. This abuse can be verbal, physical or any other form. When the fear can sap the strength to say no, especially in situations when we need that power the most. Lastly, saying no when you need the strength to change course. “When you find yourself going down the wrong road, No is the power necessary to turn yourself around” (Stills 2013).


The ability to say No and maintain my established boundaries has been a struggle for me. I often hesitate saying no because I can envision and anticipate the argument for why I should say Yes. I am a person who is naturally open hearted and generous so No is an unnatural mechanism for me. It is a lesson I’ve been struggling with in recent months. Sometimes it is easy to say No and stick to it and others it causes great anxiety and physical distress. However, when I say it and mean it, I feel a surge of power and strength that I never thought I had before. “It’s exhilarating to feel ion charge of one’s self, to be the boundary setter and the decided. There’s a bonus in energy and self-confidence too” (Stills 2013). Some people will fight your No and your established boundaries. They will take it as a personal attack and challenge you to justify yourself. They may even threaten or jokingly threaten to withdraw their love and affection if you do not do as they ask. Remember, No is a complete sentence and you DO NOT need to offer any explanation other than “I cannot do that.” I’ve learned to choose my words carefully. I’ve also learned that “I don’t think I can…” leaves the door open for someone to convince you to say Yes when you mean No. Instead, a firm “No, I cannot do that” is all the response they need.


In conclusion, recently I came across this metaphor which illustrates boundaries rather well. Imagine neighborhood dogs that want to use your yard for whatever they wish. You put up a fence in order to keep them out. The dogs will still come and bark and yap at that fence. But when the fence is enforced and maintained, the dogs will accept the yard doesn’t belong to them and stop yapping so much. Dr. Henry Cloud, a psychologist who has made a career discussing boundaries, said “Boundaries are a "litmus test" for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can't respect our boundaries are telling us that they don't love our nos. They only love our yeses, our compliance. "I only like it when you do what I want." If someone truly cares for you, he or she will respect and honor your choice to say No.

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