Dear friend,
I miss you. There I said it. You may not believe it, but I
do. I don’t know if you miss me. I hope that you do but I don’t know for sure. I
feel as if a part of my heart has been ripped out and there’s a void in my
life. A void that will be slow to heal and hard to fill. It’s been a year since
we last spoke and I realized now, and honestly have known for a while, that we
will probably never speak again. The one day, many months ago, we ran into each
other, I hesitated for a moment, smiling, waiting for you to turn around. But
you never did and that hurt. It should have been a clue to what would come. I
made the hard decision a few months ago to unfriend you on Facebook. It wasn’t
something I wanted to do, and I avoided doing it for a long time. But when you
went silent and I realized how much it hurt to see your name on my friends list,
I felt I had to do it.
The last year has been a wild ride for my family and me.
We’ve had so many changes and new changes are coming and it hurts that I cannot
share them with you. Last year, I was starting to take back control over my
life and establishing boundaries with various people and learning to recognize
the boundaries of others. When I confronted you with information I had learned,
my intention was not to stop communication or our friendship. I thought our
friendship would continue. However, when I tried to reestablish communication,
you didn’t respond, and I was stunned into silence. With the emotional upheaval
at the time, I focused on what needed to be done at the time and give you more
time, since I thought that’s what you needed and wanted. I thought it was just
a bump in the road. While I thought I was firm but gentle, I apologize, if I
wasn’t. I never expected to end our friendship. I thought it would blow over
and we could move on with our friendship being stronger for it.
I know no one likes to be called out on their mistakes. I’ve
had time to think and I realize that I made mistakes too. I realize that
somethings that I said and did were harsh and very unlike me. I don’t know why
I did it and I wish I could take it back. And I’m sorry if I had laid too much on you. I
found a kindred spirit in so many things. We both were bookworms. We both lost
a child in sudden and tragic circumstances. I found a sounding board who I
could vocalize my frustrations, concerns, and thoughts. I never expected or
wanted you to solve my problems, as they were mine to solve. I just needed
someone to listen. You helped me reach a decision that has only led to good
things for me and my family. And for that I thank you. But I didn’t need
saving. I needed a friend. A friend I thought that, despite our differences,
could still be a feature in each other’s lives. There are days and moments when
I want to reach for the phone and message you, to tell you the funny story that
happened. But I stopped myself. Not wanting to get hurt again if you didn’t
respond. I have learned a great deal from the whole situation.
When I look at our pictures, I smile for I am grateful you
were in my life for a time. I will cherish the gifts you have given me and the
memories we have shared. Despite everything, I still love you, I still want to
see you well and happy. I pray that you achieve all you hope and dream for your
life. And I want to be friends again. Although I realize that it may not be in
the cards. You may have just been a chapter in my life’s journey. I do miss
talking with you. There are little things every day that I remind me of you,
that make me think of you. And I say a little prayer that you are doing well. I
still look for you at certain places. I prepare myself for the day we might run
into each other. Although we live in different areas, it’s a small world that
we could run into each other one day.
As I write this letter, I don’t know if you’ll even read it,
let alone respond. I hope you will, but I am preparing myself if you don’t. If
you take anything away from this letter, I want you to know that I love you.
You had a great impact on my life. I know that in the short time we were
friends, you helped me see that my family and I needed a change and encouraged
us as we moved forward with those changes. I wish we could still be friends. Please
know that my friendship is still offered to you, even after everything that has
passed. We may not be able to be the friends we were before; but maybe we can
be friends in new ways. Although I don’t anticipate you ever doing so, but, if
you ever want to reach out, know that that door is always open. You can reach
me through Messenger, text, call, email; whatever method you want to use, I
will be at the other end.
Love always,
Me
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