Red Flags: what they are and why we shouldn't ignore them

Recently, I have been evaluating relationships and why they end the way the do. Sometimes it is because it has run its course and the individuals in the relationship no longer relate to each other and time begins to separate us. However, some relationships have red flags that something is wrong and we either ignore them or do something about them. Red flags are a signal for a problem that requires attention. It was first used in 1602 in the military as a signal to prepare for battle. It was also first used as a severe weather warning in 1777. Today, it is used in terms of relationships, usually romantic relationships but they can be signs in any relationship. What are the red flags? Why do we ignore them?

As I researched red flags, I found many articles which had long lists of red flags. I found that red flags fall into general categories. First, a lack of communication. The person gives you the silent treatment instead of discussing important issues. Second, he or she is irresponsible, immature and unpredictable. This person might be unable to master or maintain basic life skills. For example, they can’t take care of themselves or their personal space. They also may not be able to manage their finances and other responsibilities. They cannot hold down a job. They may also be unable to take responsibility for their own personal errors in past relationships. They blame others for their relationship failures. They are unable to evaluate why past relationships didn’t work out. Third, there is a lack of trust and they do not respect boundaries. In the terms of a romantic relationship, your significant other is weirdly possessive or secretive about their phone. Fourth, they refuse to spend time with your family or friends and may even try to drive a wedge between your and other significant people in your life. Also related to this red flag, is that your family and friends do not like this person and tell you that something is “off” about the person. Lastly, he or she may have trouble apologizing for even the smallest infractions.

We ignore red flags for many reasons. First, we are afraid that our intuition is wrong. Our gut tells us something is wrong; but we don’t want to admit we could be wrong about the relationships. Whether its pride or a fear of failure, we turn a blind eye to what is wrong. Second, we simply do not trust ourselves. When you sense that something is wrong; but you tell yourself that you’re overreacting and only focusing on the negatives. Third, the red flags seem minor. No one is perfect. No relationship is perfect. So, when we see something wrong, we tell ourselves it’s a minor flaw and ignore it or work around it. Fourth, we are so infatuated with the person that its hard to focus on anything else. Fifth, related with infatuation, we move too quickly into the relationship. The infatuation stage usually lasts between six and twelve months. When we intertwine your life with someone within this time period, it makes it harder to acknowledge red flags. Even when we see red flags, denial can be a powerful force when our infatuation overpowers our intuition. Lastly, we are stuck in wishful thinking. We want our relationships to work so bad that we chose to ignore the red flags. Our fantasies of what the relationship is or could be prevents us from seeing things as they really are.

When I decided to write about red flags and why we ignore them, I was thinking of someone close to me and a relationship that went wrong. While many of these red flags were present in that relationship. I realized that many of these red flags were present in a friendship of mine that recently ended. Looking back over the relationship, I realized that I ignored many of these red flags, either consciously or unconsciously, I chose to believe that my friend would never do anything to hurt me. I now realize that she did, not only did she, but she tried to place the blame on others in my life. She tried to drive a wedge between me and a family member. Why did I ignore these red flags? I think I saw the red flags as minor infractions. Until I realized that they weren’t minor. For example, I told her once that I do not disclose deep, personal information to just anyone and it takes a great deal of trust for me to talk about certain topics. I learned later that she was repeating some of these disclosures to others. People who had no business knowing these details. And when I finally had enough and established a boundary, she chose to shut me out and place the blame of our failed friendship on “my closed-mindedness and narcissism” instead of her own actions.

In conclusion, red flags are there to warn us and they should not be ignored. They signal a problem or issue that needs to be addressed. Their presence in our relationship doesn’t mean the relationship is bad, if we confront and deal with the issue, it could improve the relationship. And they can also signal that you need to end the relationship. In the case of my relationship, I admit my faults in the ending of the friendship and remind myself of what not to do in future friendships. We need to look at the red flags in our relationships, deal with them in the hopes to improve on the relationship and learn from them for future relationships.