Recently, I have been evaluating relationships and why they
end the way the do. Sometimes it is because it has run its course and the
individuals in the relationship no longer relate to each other and time begins
to separate us. However, some relationships have red flags that something is
wrong and we either ignore them or do something about them. Red flags are a
signal for a problem that requires attention. It was first used in 1602 in the
military as a signal to prepare for battle. It was also first used as a severe
weather warning in 1777. Today, it is used in terms of relationships, usually
romantic relationships but they can be signs in any relationship. What are the
red flags? Why do we ignore them?
As I researched red flags, I found many articles which had
long lists of red flags. I found that red flags fall into general categories.
First, a lack of communication. The person gives you the silent treatment
instead of discussing important issues. Second, he or she is irresponsible,
immature and unpredictable. This person might be unable to master or maintain
basic life skills. For example, they can’t take care of themselves or their
personal space. They also may not be able to manage their finances and other
responsibilities. They cannot hold down a job. They may also be unable to take
responsibility for their own personal errors in past relationships. They blame
others for their relationship failures. They are unable to evaluate why past
relationships didn’t work out. Third, there is a lack of trust and they do not
respect boundaries. In the terms of a romantic relationship, your significant
other is weirdly possessive or secretive about their phone. Fourth, they refuse
to spend time with your family or friends and may even try to drive a wedge
between your and other significant people in your life. Also related to this
red flag, is that your family and friends do not like this person and tell you
that something is “off” about the person. Lastly, he or she may have trouble
apologizing for even the smallest infractions.
We ignore red flags for many reasons. First, we are afraid that
our intuition is wrong. Our gut tells us something is wrong; but we don’t want
to admit we could be wrong about the relationships. Whether its pride or a fear
of failure, we turn a blind eye to what is wrong. Second, we simply do not
trust ourselves. When you sense that something is wrong; but you tell yourself
that you’re overreacting and only focusing on the negatives. Third, the red
flags seem minor. No one is perfect. No relationship is perfect. So, when we
see something wrong, we tell ourselves it’s a minor flaw and ignore it or work
around it. Fourth, we are so infatuated with the person that its hard to focus
on anything else. Fifth, related with infatuation, we move too quickly into the
relationship. The infatuation stage usually lasts between six and twelve
months. When we intertwine your life with someone within this time period, it
makes it harder to acknowledge red flags. Even when we see red flags, denial
can be a powerful force when our infatuation overpowers our intuition. Lastly,
we are stuck in wishful thinking. We want our relationships to work so bad that
we chose to ignore the red flags. Our fantasies of what the relationship is or
could be prevents us from seeing things as they really are.
When I decided to write about red flags and why we ignore
them, I was thinking of someone close to me and a relationship that went wrong.
While many of these red flags were present in that relationship. I realized
that many of these red flags were present in a friendship of mine that recently
ended. Looking back over the relationship, I realized that I ignored many of
these red flags, either consciously or unconsciously, I chose to believe that
my friend would never do anything to hurt me. I now realize that she did, not
only did she, but she tried to place the blame on others in my life. She tried
to drive a wedge between me and a family member. Why did I ignore these red
flags? I think I saw the red flags as minor infractions. Until I realized that
they weren’t minor. For example, I told her once that I do not disclose deep,
personal information to just anyone and it takes a great deal of trust for me
to talk about certain topics. I learned later that she was repeating some of these
disclosures to others. People who had no business knowing these details. And
when I finally had enough and established a boundary, she chose to shut me out
and place the blame of our failed friendship on “my closed-mindedness and
narcissism” instead of her own actions.
In conclusion, red flags are there to warn us and they
should not be ignored. They signal a problem or issue that needs to be
addressed. Their presence in our relationship doesn’t mean the relationship is
bad, if we confront and deal with the issue, it could improve the relationship.
And they can also signal that you need to end the relationship. In the case of
my relationship, I admit my faults in the ending of the friendship and remind
myself of what not to do in future friendships. We need to look at the red
flags in our relationships, deal with them in the hopes to improve on the
relationship and learn from them for future relationships.
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