Wednesday, February 19, 2014

So far yet so close

In loving memory of
Ziva Rae Lara
born October 30, 2013 at 1:10 am
died October 30, 2013 at 1:44 am

I write this post with a heavy heart. Today is my due date. A date when Joe and I should be anticipating the arrival of our new baby girl but instead there is a branch missing from our family tree. I wasn't sure how I would feel but as this day approached I could feel myself flooded with waves of emotions. I know God has a plan. He knew what he was doing when he called Ziva home but my human heart still wants to know why. I was looking forward to having a new baby in our lives and now I have an urn and a pictures of a tiny baby who was just too small to survive.
                Last week, I went to the memorial service of my mom’s dear friend, Mary, who lost her long battle with cancer. At the graveside service, the pastor said something that stuck me. He said, “Death is life’s only guarantee. The years in our lives that is the surprise.” Ziva was in our lives for a brief moment. For Psalm 139:16 says "Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." God knew that Ziva would only be with use for a short time. He allowed her to come to us for a reason. A reason we may not understand just yet. Joe seems to think that there may come a day when we can comfort and minister to a couple facing the same situation we are now. If that is true I should hope I'd be up for the challenge. I should know better than anyone that a positive pregnancy test does not lead to a healthy baby. After suffering two miscarriages, Joe and I were able to have our beautiful daughter, Abby, who has been a delight since the day she was born. Each day, I marvel at how much she has grown and how much she is learning. Even today as we took her to the park, she learned how to climb up a slide. A feat I thought was a while away. It hurts to know that Ziva won't be able to play and learn with her big sister. 
                 I know that each anniversary is hard but time does make it easier. Life must go on. Abby needs her mother and father to help her learn and grow as she navigates this crazy world we live in. Ziva may be in heaven now but she remains close in our hearts and our memories. May be in the near future, God will bless us with another child. But for now, I lean on His grace and His unfailing wisdom. And I have one more reason to look forward to heaven.