Death is a natural part of life. It is the part of life
which everyone knows will happen but no one really wants to think about it. My
life has been touched by death in ways it touches everyone with the deaths of
my grandparents. I’ve also been touched by death no one expects with the death
of a child. There are natural reactions to death: the feeling of numbness, the
reduced ability to concentrate/focus, the sudden need to cry or even not being
able to cry. People often suffer from disturbed sleep patterns with recurring
dreams or nightmares involving their loved ones. Grief is an internal process
and, in my experience, an unending process. When grief seems to have subsided,
there will be a moment, a reminder which will open the floodgates again. However,
there is a time in your life when you are able to live with the grief, to
function as you did and remember your loved ones with fondness and nostalgia.
When does the show of grief or remembrance become more for attention than just
for remembrance?
Grief can be so intense that it leads to mental illness.
Most likely manifested as clinical depression which could require therapy and
medication. Abnormal grief or complicated grief can manifest itself in
persistent and consuming grief which could increase risk of other illnesses
such as high blood pressure, cancer and stroke. The preliminary criteria, as
set by the 1997 convention led by Holly Prigerson, as the intense daily
yearning and preoccupation with the deceased which leads to the inability to
adjust to life without that person. Treatments for depression and PTSD have
helped people with complicated grief. . One that many people fear and shocks
them to the core when it happens. Even when the death is expected, it can shake
some off their foundation. Majority of people can “move on” and reestablish
their lives in a new reality. Others continue to live, as the song says, “stuck
in a moment” unable to adjust to a new reality. It does not matter if the death
is expected to due age or a long illness or sudden due to a tragedy or an
accident, the death of a loved one is sad. But for some people, death is
devastating. In my own grieving process, I have met women who fit this
category. Women, especially, who seem to live happy and ordinary lives until
the grief becomes too much and it stops their lives in its tracks. Debilitating
grief which brings everything crashing down.
In recent years, I have known a few people who cling to
their loved ones’ memory as a way to get attention. It seems wrong to express
grief for the sole purpose of gaining attention. Attention-seeking behavior can
undermine the grieving process and the individual may never fully grieve. The
“performance grief” is often for an audience of people willing to feed the
cycle of intense grief. People with “performance grief” may use their “grief”
because they like the attention. The like the constant visitor or even the
cooked meals which often occur as support for the mourner. These people will “remind”
others that they lost a loved one. Some may do so because they like the
attention when the death first occurred and bring up the lost loved one for
continued sympathy and attention. Attention-seeking grief sounds like a form on
Munchausen Syndrome, attention-seeking personality disorder. Munchausen
Syndrome is a predominately female disorder in which an emotionally immature
person with narcissistic tendencies, low self-esteem and a fragile ego has an
overwhelming need to draw attention to herself and be the center of attention.
A sufferer will most often capitalize on, exploit and exaggerate an illness,
injury or personal misfortune. In recent years it has been seen in women who
pretend to have terminal cancer in order to gain sympathy and financial
benefits as people, out of the goodness of their hearts, will give support. In
the instance of grief, it could manifest in someone who will use the death of
someone as a crutch and plea for constant assistance.
How can you tell the difference between complicated grief
and performance grief? It may seem hard to tell between the two. In my research
and my own experience, it seems to be a little clearer. While I would not
accuse anyone of performance grief, I have my suspicions of what can be for
attention, especially with social media. First, the constant reminders of the
death of the loved one. I’m not talking about the occasional “This reminded me
of my mom. How I miss her” or “I came across this picture of my dad. I miss him
so much” posts. To me, it is the posts written directly to the loved one as if
he or she can read it from heaven. It is not the remembrance of the loved one
on their birthdays or anniversaries. It is the post after post of Second,
performance grief can be seen in comparison of grief manifestations. It’s the “I’m
sadder than you because I am doing this” or “I loved the person more because I
cry longer and louder than you.” The death of the loved one becomes all about
the mourner and not the deceased. Third, it can be the over-the-top grief for
someone that an individual barely knew. For instance, when a distant relative
dies and an individual wails and carries on which can be seen as excessive. It
can also be seen when a beloved celebrity dies. Some fans act as if the
celebrity was their closest friend.
By now, you have probably asked how I or we can judge how
others grieve. Grief is a very personal process. Some are very vocal and some
are very silent. Grief is a lifelong process in which you never “get over” the
death, you learn to live life with the loss of this person. However, when someone’s
grief turns to gain and attention rather than the loss of the loved one, it
becomes excessive. In my experience, when someone uses grief for attention and becomes
excessive, people may tune it out and miss the real cries for help. You may
also say “Hey, don’t you post about the losses of your babies?” And I do.
However, it is usually for the benefit of someone else. Many of you may not know
but I am a mentor for women who are fresh in the grieving process. I often post
in support of these women who grieve in silence and shame due to the taboo of
miscarriage and infant loss. It is not for my need for attention or for further
sympathy. It is my hope to use my journey as an example so that they know that
they are not alone. I suppose that is the difference that I’m looking for.
Performance grief is often for the benefit of the mourner while other
manifestation can be used for the benefit of others. I think we can all think of someone who may perform their grief for attention. I may be wrong. This is just my observations.
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