An Exact Replica of a
Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken is her memoir about the
loss of her first son to stillbirth. This book was recommended to me by a
fellow blogger. I was eager to read this book. This review has been one of the
hardest to write not because I didn't like the book, but because I had some
deep soul hitting thoughts come over me while I read it, wrote my review,
reviewed my comments and realized that I was wrong.
I was going to write about how I felt a disconnected with
her reaction to her son’s death and the life she made after. And I did but I am
unhappy with my assessment, I looked back over other women’s grief reactions, I
realized that we all grieve differently. I found great hope and comfort in my
faith and God’s word while some women refused to hear God’s words or allow
others to speak them because they feel betrayed by Him. How could a loving God
allow a child to die? There are many answers to that. Some that people wouldn't
want to hear. God did not take a child simply because it wasn't loved enough or
wanted enough. I cannot speak for Him but I know that He is all-knowing and wise. He
saw something that I did not or could not and He made the decision for me.
While reading this book, I came across a few quotes which I
felt a connection to:
- “The love for the first magnifies the love for the second, and vice versa.”
My journey to motherhood has been a rocky one. I love this
quote because the losses of AJ and Ziva have made Abigail’s birth and growth
all that more precious to me. I enjoy every moment I can. Even the rare temper
tantrum and toddler “rebellion,” she’s precious to me. Even though I now had a
living child doesn't mean my love and sadness of the loss of my first child is
gone. I think some people expected that once a living child is born or still
living, the loss of another child is lessened. Ask anyone who has lost a child
this simply isn't true.
- “I will always be a woman whose first child died”
It is true. Abby is my second child. Even when my husband
and I have another child, there will be holes in the birth order. I will always
have a difficult explanation to the question “How many children do you have?”
Always wondering how much detail to give. Do you give the simple answer to save
the person the embarrassment of asking such an emotional question? I haven’t
had to face this question…yet. But when I do, I know that I will answer
honestly and gently as to save the person any embarrassment.
- “You move on from it [death], but the death will never disappear from view.”
Although over two years has passed since the loss of AJ and
six months have passed since the loss of Ziva, each day gets easier. You learn
to live and the loss of your children is never far from your mind. I realize
that I have been introduced to wonderful women in my support community who have
suffered great loss and while I don’t feel the need to remember my children the
way they do, there is nothing wrong with that. I feel, though, that life doesn't
stop with death. If my life had stopped with the AJ’s death, I wouldn't have
Abby. If my life had stopped with Ziva’s death, I wouldn't have the wonderful
memories of the past six months: Abby’s first trip to Disneyland, Abby’s first
jump into the pool and into her Dadden’s awaiting arms or finding her asleep as
she watched her favorite Disney cartoons. Moments that would be gone, if I
refused to live.
- “It’s a happy life, but someone is missing”
I love this quote because it describes my life after a loss.
My husband and I are happy. My daughter is a happy two year old but there are
two children missing. They will forever be missed. I wish to remember AJ and
Ziva for the life that they were, no matter how brief. I wish to remember my
joy to have them in my life for the time that God has allowed.
The book isn't what I expected. I enjoyed Ms. McCracken’s
story. It was an easy read (I finished it in one night). I expected more of an
emotional response on my part. I expected to read this book through tears. Some readers might, while others, like me, might not. Maybe Ms. McCracken didn't intended for this book to be emotional. I don't know; however, I do recommend this book. Even after I read the book, the title puzzled me. While I put this post together, it clicked. I understand now. And my hope is that you will too. I would recommend this book
to anyone who has lost a child either through miscarriage, stillbirth, or any
other infant death. I would also recommend it to someone who is trying to
understand how to respond and help a person who has suffered a loss. This
book can give insights as I have highlighted a few above to those who
haven’t suffered such a loss.
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