We’ve all dealt with them. Toxic people. These are people
who derive satisfaction at the chaos around them and usually unaware of the
negative impact they have on others. They usually create unnecessarily complex,
stressful lives. They are masters of manipulation. Manipulation of people and
situations to their advantage. They can be anyone in our lives: coworkers,
bosses, family members, spouses, our children and even ourselves! What is toxic
behavior? How do we recognize it? How do you deal with a toxic person who is a
non-family member? How do we deal with a toxic person who is a family member?
What do to if you are the toxic person?
Toxic behavior is “any word, deed or action which detracts
from you being your best self or hinders others from becoming their best
selves” (Lund). The difference between a toxic person and a non-toxic person is
the approach, the how and manner they treat people. A toxic person will rarely
accept responsibility for their actions or their own feelings. They will place
blame on others. A toxic person tends to hold grudges and will withhold love as
punishment for any wrongdoing in their eyes. They are emotional blackmailers
who use fear or guilt to accomplish their purpose. Toxic people will often keep
themselves or others from succeeding and they want the freedom to criticize
anyone at any time. Toxic people often see themselves as having “special
insights” because their “superior position, wisdom, knowledge, power or
authority” (Lund). Toxicity in manner of degrees in magnitude and frequency. Toxic
behaviors are seen in the daily lives of a toxic person.
There are three types of toxic behavior:
- · Situational toxicity in which when the person is faced with stress or an uncomfortable situation, he or she will be toxic.
- · Universal toxicity is when a person is toxic to everyone in all circumstances and lives in a world of constantly strained relationships. This type is that is most commonly thought of when discussing toxic people.
- · Selective toxicity is when a person is toxic toward certain people in certain situations. This type is more difficult to recognize due to the varied conditions.
The types of toxic people:
- · The Perfectionist whom you will never measure up to his or her standards.
- · The Control Freak who is actually hiding his or her insecurity through the control of others.
- · The Constant Criticizer who sees faults in anyone or anything.
- · The Abuser Mentality: “someone else made me do it.”
- · The Martyr: a person who substitutes sympathy and self-pity for happiness
- · The Victim: a person who complains, bemoans, gripes about his or her circumstances
Therefore, there are signs to look for if you suspect
someone you know is a toxic person. Not all toxic people will display all of
these signs. However, even a few is a good sign someone is toxic. The signs
are:
- · He or she talks more than listens. They will often bring irrelevant details into a conversation in order to distract from the topic.
- · He or she is never wrong.
- · Drama seems to follow him or her everywhere
- · He or she seem to force or exaggerate relationships.
- · His or her experience is the standard in which everyone should live. Someone else’s actions will be judged based on his or her experience as if the situations are identical.
- · He or she will often lie usually as a means to an end.
- · He or she lack tact and general courtesy. Derogatory statements, brutal “honesty” and stark humor are often used.
- · He or she will often lack empathy toward others and have a need to assert superiority
- · He or she will control behavior by pressuring another person to act a certain way.
- · He or she will make you prove yourself by regularly putting you in a position between a commitment and them in a way you feel obligated to choose them.
- · He or she will be there in a crisis but will never ever share in your joy. They will also find reasons why your good news isn’t good at all.
You may read these and think “Yikes! I do some of that!” We
all can behave in a toxic manner especially when we are hurt or angry. However,
what makes a person toxic is constant set of behaviors. We will get to what you
can do if you suspect that you are a toxic person.
Number one thing to remember when dealing with any toxic
person is that no one can change a person who is unwilling to change. You
cannot change or stop the toxic behavior. You can only arm and protect yourself
against it. First, choose healthy responses to the toxic person. Self-preparation
is the best defense against a toxic person. Focus on being your own well-being.
Also realize that there is some good in the worst of us and always room for
improvement in the best of us. Second, set boundaries to protect yourself.
Boundaries are behavior limits that you would consider acceptable and
unacceptable. It is important that you do not allow the person to cross that
boundary if you deem the behavior unacceptable. If they do, follow through with
the consequences of breaking a boundary. Be prepared to say enough’s enough. Third,
share only to the level in which the toxic person is willing to share with you.
If you feel you are the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re
probably right.
When the toxic person is a family member, it can be more
difficult to deal with the toxic behavior; however, it can be done. First,
remember that the loved one is not a bad person; however, it doesn’t mean they
are the right person to be spending a lot of time with. Second, learn to
recognize cleverly hidden passive aggression. A toxic person with act with
non-verbal aggression in negative ways. Instead of telling you that they are
upset, they will take jabs at you until you are the one who explodes. Third,
learn to recognize their bullying behavior and prepare yourself to fight back.
It is sad to think but some of the biggest bullies in our lives are toxic
family members. Fourth, do not pretend that the toxic behavior is ok and if the
behavior becomes physical, it needs to be addressed. Fifth, try not to take the
toxic behavior personally, although it can be very difficult to do so. Lastly
and most importantly, do not neglect yourself. Practice self-care every day
especially when you have to deal with a toxic person on a daily basis. Have a
safe place you can go to be alone to pray, mediate, exercise, anything which
can help you relax.
When the toxic person is you, there are four steps to
change. First, recognition and becoming aware of the toxic behavior you engage
in. Most often than not, admitting you are toxic and desire to change is half
the battle. Second, motivation to change. Toxic behaviors will not just
disappear, they need to be replaced with healthier ones. Third, the acquisition
of positive communication skills. Recognize the three ways we communicate with
each other: facial expression and body language, tone of voice, and your choice
of words. Communication skills also is learning how to keep the three messages
in congruence or matching. Mixed messages create a difficult time interpreting
the meaning of your message. For example, someone asks you to do something you
really don’t want to do. So you frown, sigh and says “Yes, I’ll do that.” What
is the real message? Does the person pay attention to your body language or
your tone of voice or your words? Lastly, application of non-toxic behaviors in
replace of the old toxic ones. Work hard to avoid toxic behaviors, however, you
do not beat yourself up when you slip up. Allow yourself to learn from those
mistakes, take note of what to pay attention to in the future, apologize for
the behavior and move forward.
In conclusion, the way we approach our weaknesses and the
weaknesses of others is at the heart of a healthy person versus an unhealthy
person. The means in which you address shortcomings is what defines toxic
versus nontoxic behaviors. It is important to not become a toxic person
yourself in order to deal with a toxic behavior. Fighting fire with fire only
causes more damage. People can change; however, sometimes all you can do is let
go and protect yourself against the burbs of a toxic person. Sometimes the most
loving thing to do is stay as far away as possible. The level of involvement
depends on your ability to protect yourself from the toxic behavior. If it’s
too difficult to do so, it’s best to stay away from that relationship on any
deeper level. Toxic behavior is a big topic and I apologize if this post seems
overwhelming or too simplified. I highly recommend reading How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love
Personalities by Dr. John Lewis Lund. He provides great insights and
information, many I have shared but he goes into greater detail than I can.
How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love
Personalities
is available on
Amazon in paperback and on the Kindle
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