To become a parent or not? That is the question everyone must answer in their life. Some answer the call with a resounding yes and become awesome parents. Some answer the call only to find out they really shouldn’t be parents at all. Others never really had to think about it and became parents before a real decision could be made. Some think they never want kids, have kids and become awesome parents. And sadly, some desperate want to be parents only to have struggles to have a family. There are many truths and myths about parenting that I have learned from my own experience. There are many factors to consider when deciding to have children or not and whether you decide to have children or not, you do not have the right to demean or mock those who made the opposite decision.
A few truths that I have learned from my own parenting experience:
1. Making a baby isn’t as easy as it sounds. And considering how often you hear that someone is pregnant…again, it makes sense why people believe that it is. Getting pregnant is all about timing and for some, it is a detailed tracking of hormones and menstrual cycles with no guarantees a baby will be conceived or even born. Some need medical intervention to get pregnant and even stay pregnant. Nine months is a long time and many things can go wrong. I have two daughters who are six years apart and that wasn’t by design. I have been pregnant a total of eight times with two live births, with five miscarriages and one premature birth which resulted in death of my daughter. Don’t tell someone who is trying to get pregnant to “relax and have fun” because it is very stressful to want something so much and its just not happening.
2. Being asked if you are having any more children is a deeply hurtful and personal question. This goes along with the lines of “when are you having children?” The answer is very personal and if no one else’s business. Some people want a houseful of kids. Others want one or two. My husband and I are constantly asked if we plan to have any more children, specifically for a boy. I usually just smile and say “no, we’re done.” But inside I’m fuming. Our road to parenthood hasn’t been easy as I mentioned before and to try again knowing the odds were not in our favor, why would we put ourselves through that heartache again? And with no guarantee we would even have a son. The decision to have more children should be more than “you need a boy.” My husband and I are quite content with our daughters.
3. There is more than one right way to be a parent. There are plenty of “experts” who write hundreds of books or offer unsolicited advice on everything from sleep training to potty training to discipline. And I will say that you find what works for you and go with it. Sometimes it will be what the experts recommend and other times it will not. An article stated that American parents make an average of 221 mistakes a year with 65% percent of parents admitting that they allow their children too much screen time (Haaland, 2020). But who is to say what it too much? My oldest daughter has quite a bit of screen time every day, but her homework still gets done, her chores are done, and she does to bed at the same time every night. So, what if is not what the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends of no more than one hour a day for children 6 and older (2016)?
4. Babies do have a lot of expenses. From diapers for about three years to clothes and toys, the costs rack up. One mom stated in her article that babies don’t need a lot of clothes (Pinola, 2013). I totally disagree because babies and children are messy. Babies will have the occasional diaper blow out, children will spill food on their clothes and will be something to change into and we all can’t constantly be doing laundry for a few outfits. However, be smart. Don’t buy the expensive, although cute, clothes from the Baby Gap or other high-end stores. Stores like Target, Carter’s and even Walmart have equally cute, affordable and sturdy clothes to last while your child grows like a weed. Save the expensive outfits for special occasions. One thing I have learned is not to dismiss the store brands especially diapers. Some store brands are as good or even better than the name brands.
Now onto a few myths about parenting from my experience.
1. You'll spoil your baby if you pick him up whenever he cries. I don’t know why this myth keeps going. I suppose it’s the older mothers and grandmothers passing it along. YOU CANNOT SPOIL your baby by picking him up when he cries. Crying is a signal that something is wrong, and he is calling to you to fix it. It could be a dirty diaper or hunger, or he is too hot/too cold. Or he simply needs your comforting presence. As the baby gets older, you will understand the different cries and be able to respond within the appropriate time frame. Besides, sometimes the extra cuddles with your baby does you a lot of good too. I read online that “the days are long, but the years are short.” Learn to appreciate everything about your children as they grow up because you’ll blink, and it will be gone.
2. The "twos" are terrible. Specially the time frame between 18 months and 30 months are only “terrible” if you are not prepared. This is the time frame when children start to learn their independence. When they really don’t want mom or dad’s help, at least right away. As a new mom with my oldest daughter, I learned quickly when she wanted to be independent and try for herself and when she needed my help. Even now, as my youngest daughter approaches this age range, I take a step back and allow her to learn to be who she is. It may seem too young, but the point of parenting is to raise them to essentially no longer need you for everything even before they leave the house as adults. Give them choices and allow them to make decisions on their own and teach them to accept the decision made even when the results aren’t what they hoped for.
3. Good parents put their kids’ needs first. Many parents, especially mothers, believe that a good parent puts their kids’ needs first. For some things I would agree with this statement; however, as a rule, no. When do I put my kids needs first? Usually when it’s something they cannot do themselves yet. For instance, new clothes and shoes. Since they are growing, they need clothes and shoes faster than I do. When don’t I put my kid’s needs first? At dinner time. I usually make my husband’s plate and drink first and then dish out my daughters’ plates and get their drinks. If my husband isn’t ready for dinner yet, i.e. he’s in the middle of an important phone call, I’ll do ahead and dish out my daughter’s plates so they can eat. Other times, depending on what the need is, I will do what I need to do, especially if I’m in the middle of a task, before getting to what my daughters’ need. I have seen some mothers wear their self-sacrifice like a badge of honor and use it to shame the mothers who may not be as self-sacrificing. And that is disgraceful.
4. Don’t let your children sleep in your bed. While there is a growing trend of co-sleeping when a baby is young, there is a lot of advice against it. Melanie Pinola stated in her article “A word to the wise: Don’t start a sleep or nighttime habit (like letting your kid into your bed in the middle of the night) you don’t want to continue until your child is in college” (2013). Please! No child who was allowed in his or her parents’ bed as a baby or a child is still sleeping there when they leave for college! I’m sure the author meant to be sarcastic or facetious but there are people believe it. My daughters start every night in their beds and if sometimes during the night, they need to come to our bed, we let them. My youngest daughter is still breastfeeding so co-sleeping happens more often. My oldest daughter coming to our bed is rare. I can only think of once in the last few months.
Here I would like to take a moment to talk to the women who decide not to have kids and then proceed to put down the women who did. Recently, a Facebook friend posted the meme below and a friend of hers posted the comment, “They are smart,” insinuating that women who have kids are stupid to have children. I respect everyone’s decision about whether they have children or not, how many children they have, etc. However, it is not your right to demean or shame other women regardless of their decision. I hate that we have become this “us versus them society.” That we put others down to make ourselves feel better. You don’t want kids, that’s fine, that’s your right. I’m sorry that you’ve been harassed by others for not wanting kids. Or you hate the fact that you do have kids and life didn’t turn out the way you thought it would. Life is hard enough without others putting us down.
Bottom line, parenting is hard and being a parent is different for everyone. Every child is different, even with the same parents. And not everyone is ready or will ever be ready to have children. If you decide to not have kids, that is perfectly within your right. If you do decide to have kids, remember this: You do the best you can with what you have in the moment. Sometimes you will mess up and sometimes you will get it right. Admit when you are wrong, and your children will learn that it’s okay to admit our mistakes. When being a parent the main thing to remember that it is all a phase, this too shall pass, and it won’t be like this for long. My favorite saying is still “the days are long, but the years are short.” Before you know it the house full of kids will be an empty nest.
References
American Academy of Pediatrics. (October 21, 2016) American Academy of Pediatrics Announces New Recommendations for Children’s Media Use. App.org. https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/Pages/American-Academy-of-Pediatrics-Announces-New-Recommendations-for-Childrens-Media-Use.aspx. Retrieved January 16, 2020.
Haaland, Marie (January 12, 2020). American parents make 221 mistakes a year while raising kids, report claims. Fox News. https://www.foxnews.com/lifestyle/american-parents-mistakes-raising-kids-report. Retrieved January 13, 2020.
Pinola, Melanie (March 8, 2013). 10 Things I wish I had known before becoming a parent. Lifehacker.com. https://lifehacker.com/10-things-i-wish-i-had-known-before-becoming-a-parent-5989419. Retrieved January 8, 2020.
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