A couple months ago, I came across a tweet in which the individual definitely stated that your spouse cannot be and should be your spouse. I laughed because I consider my husband my best friend. And judging based on the responses this tweet got, many people agree and disagree with the statement. I had a few people I consider a best friend, people who have known me for years, who have seen me through the best and worst of my life. However, it got me thinking: what is a best friend? And can a spouse be considered a best friend? So I set out to find out what other people thought and what I discovered is that how you answer the best friend question is how you define what a best friend is and the problem is many people define a best friend in different ways.
According to Merriam-Webster, a best friend is “a person's closest and dearest friend.” Urban dictionary describes a best friend as someone who is there for you through thick and thin, someone who listens and understands, a person you can call anytime about anything and someone who will stand up for you in times of struggle. Both definitions do not exclude spouses. Nowhere does it say, “a woman’s closest female friend” or “a man’s closest male friend.” It says a person’s closest and dearest friend, someone who supports, listens, and understands. So why can’t it be a spouse? Some people still say no. In the no category, non-romantic friendships can be an escape from the pressures of adulting (Health Essentials, 2019). Does that mean my romantic friendship with my husband always reminds me or him of our adulting responsibilities and pressures? I don’t think so. My husband and I can have relaxing fun together without thinking about our responsibilities. According to Amanda FitzSimons, calling your spouse your best friend is “eye rollingly cliche” with too many expectations on one person to be both best friend and spouse (2019).
According to my research, overwhelmingly many people are saying yes, spouses can be, and actually should be, your best friend. According to Skye Cleary, a philosopher and lecturer from Columbia University, if aspects of friendships are brought into romantic relationships, the foundation of the relationship is stronger (Yu, 2017). To some, it is even a Biblical example of a husband and wife becoming one flesh. “Two of the closest and dearest friends who have a profound trust of one another. Husband and wife of one human nature, glued together in Christ'' (Wobscall, 2020). Friendship is one aspect of a marriage, just like sexual intimacy is one aspect. Both are important to the longevity of a relationship. If you don’t have a friendship with your spouse and what is important to you is separate from your spouse, then you aren’t married. You are roommates with benefits. There are no hard and fast rules, what matters is what works for your and your relationship (William, no date). David William has a great list of reasons why your spouse can be your best friend, which leads me to my thoughts on the topic.
My husband is my best friend. He is one I can be myself. I can reveal all the bad stuff about me: the weaknesses, the insecurities and the dark moods. And he is the same with me. A couple years ago, I made a statement about my husband’s grumpy moods and someone commented with “such a wife thing to say.” To which I replied back, “Well, I see him day in and day out. I’ve seen him at his best and I’ve seen him at his worst.” We do fun, childlike things together. Recently, we had a water balloon/water gun fight in the backyard. We laughed until we were breathless. We do things together like watch certain tv shows and movies, but we also have our own activities apart. I have my reading and blog and my favorite tv shows and movies that I don’t force him to watch. He has his own favorite movies to watch without me and he has his toy hunting activities apart from me.. When I need a female perspective and companionship, I have female friends to call upon and my husband has his male friends for male perspectives and companionship.
In conclusion, you can be best friends with your spouse. And being best friends doesn’t mean that 100% of your time and activities is spent together. That is unhealthy in any relationship. What it boils down to is how you would define a best friend. If your idea of a best friend is drinking wine and bitching about your spouse and kids, then your spouse isn’t your best friend. But if your idea of a best friend is someone who supports you, who knows you inside and out, who you love to spend time with, then your spouse can be your best friend. Another important note, no one gets to dictate who you decide is your best friend. The important thing is to have that person who is all things that a best friend should be, whether or not it's your spouse.
P.S. I think the best way to illustrate the idea of a spouse being your best friend is this scene from The Gilmore Girls (2000-2007) from season 4, episode 20, It’s Luke Can See Her Face
Guy on tape: "Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderful happens in your life, a promotion at work, a successful refinancing, who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friend? Whose face?"
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