On this day, we acknowledge the importance of our moms. Mom is very meaningful to us. Mom is our first protector. She is our caregiver and boo-boo fixer. She is our confidante and well of advice. She's the one we ran to when nightmares disturbed our sleep. Most women, like me, have dreamed their entire lives about becoming mothers. We have names picked out before we even have a wedding dress picked out. I realize now that for many women, this dream doesn't come true as planned.
I am the mother of 3 children. My first child was died in utero in December 2010 when I was 8 weeks pregnant but didn't discover his/her loss until January. I named the baby Aurora Jacob because both names were top on our list and since we didn't know the gender, I normally call him/her “AJ.” This ultrasound picture is the only picture I have of AJ.
Then one year later, my beautiful daughter, Abigail Hope, was born. She is my rainbow, a child born after a loss, and she has been a great joy in my life. Watching her grow has opened my eyes to a whole new world and I enjoy seeing her try new things and accomplish new goals. I love being her mama.
A surprise pregnancy last year ended with the saddest ending.Throughout my pregnancy, everything was progressing normally. Until one day, when I went in for an anatomy scan and before I knew it I was being admitted into the hospital and being told that my cervix was opening. Despite the doctors' best efforts, we lost our daughter, Ziva Rae. She was born on October 30, 2013 at 1:10 am and died at 1:44 am.
There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of my angels. I often find myself wondering about what might have been. If AJ was born as planned, he/she would be almost 4. If Ziva had lived, she would be 6 months or had been born full term, she would be 3 months. I know and trust that God has a plan and I know that they are in a better place. I know that statement may hurt some people and other don't like hearing it. But in my heart, I know He does and He will not bring me to a situation and not have a solution for me. I don't know what He knows. I believe He saw something in my angels that made Him call them home. My human heart still wishes they were here and that’s okay.
This Mother’s Day has a very different meaning for me. Due to my loss of Ziva, I have joined a group of unique and caring women on an online support groups. This women helped me realize that just because you don’t see a child in a woman’s arms doesn't mean she isn't a mother. She could be the mother of an angel.
I've been very active in these support groups. They are a great place to vent, voice worries and concerns without judgment or criticisms. It is a place to receive encouragement and share in sorrows and in great joys. These women are from all walks of life from all over the world. These women have experienced my pain. They have given me hope and encouragement that has helped that past 6 months or by with hope for the future and future for another rainbow. I wish I could name them all and thank them for the words so precious. The words that calm my fears. I can only hope that I’ve given them the same encouragement and that my words have help calm their fears.
On this Mother's Day, don’t forget the angel mothers in your life. They could be you daughters, sisters, cousins, friends, neighbors, and co-workers. Know that this day is difficult for them and help them feel loved. There's so much more I want to say but I can't seem to find the right words. Happy Mother's to all mothers. You are loved and remembered for the great women that you are!