Boundaries. It is a term that everyone is familiar with but
have a struggle creating them or even enforcing them. It is a lesson that I am
still learning myself. It has taken me a long time to recognize how I allow
others to trample over me. Personal boundaries are important to healthy
relationships and a productive life. These boundaries are guidelines, rules or
limits that an individual creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible
ways for others to behave toward him or herself as well as how an individual
will respond if someone violates those limits. The essential key to enforce our
boundaries is No. No is seen as negative and usually met with anger and
disappointment; however it is the power in which we can protect ourselves and
show others how we deserve to be treated, respected and loved. There is power
and strength in the word No.
No is often associated with negative feelings. And in a
society where Yes is celebrated, it’s hard for people to hear no. However, there
is a surge of strength when a person says No and means it. It is a moment of a
clear choice. It is a tool and a barrier we establish and maintain (maintenance
is very important) a distinct boundary. No carves and supports the space that
we recognize as our personal limits. The closer we get to maintain the
boundary, the stronger we are. It takes strength to say no and we gain strength
by saying no (Stills 2013). No matter how gently you say it, No is a negative
event and the receiver may feel bad, disappointed or even angry. No can lead to
conflict which many of us like to avoid which is why we say Yes when we mean
No. No tests the health, quality and equity of your relationships. If someone
is willing to end a relationship with you simply because you denied their
request, then he or she is not a person you need in your life. When No is used
often enough and wisely, it can help you have a peace of mind about the
decisions and direction of your life. You have the right to defend your life,
to take care of you. You have the right to put yourself first when necessary.
Unfortunately, with some people, you give them an inch and they will take a
mile.
Imagine a situation when someone comes to you with a
request. They ask you to do something for them and your first instinct is to
say No. According to psychologist Sarri Gilman, this is your inner compass
which helps you decide your morals, beliefs and other choices we face every day
(TEDx Talk December 15, 2015). The ability to say No is an essential element of
one’s inner moral compass. This inner compass According to organizational
psychologist Adam Grant, “When you are able to say No, people are careful to
come with you with only meaningful requests” (Stills 2013). Saying No and
meaning it help your Yes have more meaning in the future. Saying Yes all the
time will leave you stressed out, overwhelmed and burned out. Blogger Jennifer
Rollin has three tips to maintain your boundaries and saying No. First,
practice tuning in to your inner sense of yes and no. This is the inner compass
which Sarri Gilman discusses. When we ignore our inner compass and say the
opposite, it causes problems and stress. Second, learn how to tolerate the
reactions of others. In other words, do not internalize their disappointment or
anger when you say no. Having no boundaries in a relationship can lead to
bitterness and resentment over time. Lastly, engage in acts of compassionate
self-care. Self-care is essential to our well-being. We all need time to relax,
to unwind, to recharge. As the adage says “You can’t pour from an empty cup.”
Find something that can help you relax. It could be something you enjoy like
reading or going to the movies. Something in which you can turn your mind off
for a while and disengage.
There are five situations which benefit from increasing our
strength to say no (Stills 2013). First, when saying No helps you keep true to
your principles and values. When someone asks us to do something that would go
against our beliefs, but we find it hard to say no because we want to be liked
by that individual. We often say Yes because it is a by-product of the desire
to be liked. But liking yourself and your decision sometimes only comes when
you say No. Second, when saying No helps protect yourself from exploitation.
The best way to protect yourself from those who demand and feel entitled to
receive their request is by being strong enough to say a firm, clear and calm
No. “No is a necessary life shield against the charming users who sniff out the
softies” (Stills 2013). Third, saying No when it keeps you focused on your
goals. No is a necessary tool to keep your goals in mind and to do your job
instead of someone else’s. Fourth, when saying no protects you from abuse by
others. This abuse can be verbal, physical or any other form. When the fear can
sap the strength to say no, especially in situations when we need that power
the most. Lastly, saying no when you need the strength to change course. “When
you find yourself going down the wrong road, No is the power necessary to turn
yourself around” (Stills 2013).
The ability to say No and maintain my established boundaries
has been a struggle for me. I often hesitate saying no because I can envision
and anticipate the argument for why I should say Yes. I am a person who is
naturally open hearted and generous so No is an unnatural mechanism for me. It
is a lesson I’ve been struggling with in recent months. Sometimes it is easy to
say No and stick to it and others it causes great anxiety and physical
distress. However, when I say it and mean it, I feel a surge of power and
strength that I never thought I had before. “It’s exhilarating to feel ion
charge of one’s self, to be the boundary setter and the decided. There’s a
bonus in energy and self-confidence too” (Stills 2013). Some people will fight
your No and your established boundaries. They will take it as a personal attack
and challenge you to justify yourself. They may even threaten or jokingly
threaten to withdraw their love and affection if you do not do as they ask.
Remember, No is a complete sentence and you DO NOT need to offer any
explanation other than “I cannot do that.” I’ve learned to choose my words
carefully. I’ve also learned that “I don’t think I can…” leaves the door open
for someone to convince you to say Yes when you mean No. Instead, a firm “No, I
cannot do that” is all the response they need.
In conclusion, recently I came across this metaphor which
illustrates boundaries rather well. Imagine neighborhood dogs that want to use
your yard for whatever they wish. You put up a fence in order to keep them out.
The dogs will still come and bark and yap at that fence. But when the fence is
enforced and maintained, the dogs will accept the yard doesn’t belong to them
and stop yapping so much. Dr. Henry Cloud, a psychologist who has made a career
discussing boundaries, said “Boundaries are a "litmus test" for the
quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our
boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can't
respect our boundaries are telling us that they don't love our nos. They only
love our yeses, our compliance. "I only like it when you do what I
want." If someone truly cares for you, he or she will respect and honor
your choice to say No.
References
- Gilman, Sarri Good Boundaries free you TEDx Talk December 15, 2015 https://youtu.be/rtsHUeKnkC8 retrieved October 21, 2017
- Rollin, Jennifer The Power of Saying “No” Huffington Post June 3, 2016 www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-rollin/the-power-of-saying-no_b_10285096.html retrieved October 21, 2017
- Stills, Judith The Power of No Psychology Today November 5, 2013 www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201311/the-power-no retrieved October 21, 2017
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