Boundaries: an important part of our lives

Boundaries is a term popularized by Drs Henry Cloud and John Townsend in 1992 with their bestselling book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. A boundary is defined as an invisible line which helps us define ourselves and our responsibility. It has become a popular concept which helps individuals recognize where they begin and end. This boundary line helps guard our hearts and souls as Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” A line which helps us define who we are as an individual and who others are. It helps us define what we are responsible for and what we are not. It is a line which allows others to understand which behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not. Below is a brief overview of boundaries, the types of boundaries and how boundaries work.

Boundaries help keep the good in and the bad out. There are different types of boundaries. First, physical boundaries. Who we allow to touch us physical and who we don’t is a physical boundary. Our physical location is also a boundary. Living in a different location from someone who is a toxic or unsafe person is a boundary. Proverbs 22:3 says “the prudent man sees the evil and hides himself.” Second, our words are boundaries. The most basic boundary setting word is no. “No, I will not participate.” Our words help others understand where we stand. For example, “Yes, I like to that” and “No, I don’t like this.” Third, time is a boundary. How much time we are willing spend with people is a boundary. Sometimes we need time apart from others in order to reenergize. Even Jesus took time for himself: to prepare for major tasks (Luke 4:1-2), to recharge (Mark 6:30-32), to grieve (Matthew 14:1-3), in times of distress (Luke 22:39-44) and prayer (Luke 5:16). Lastly, emotional distance is a boundary. It is defined as who we trust and who we do not. Unfortunately, sometimes we need our trust to be broken before we learn who is trustworthy and who is not. It is a lesson that often repeats itself as new people enter our lives.

According to Cloud and Townsend, there are 10 Laws of Boundaries. I will discuss a few of them. First, the Law of Sowing and Reaping. This is the cause and effect of our behaviors, feelings and reactions to the world around us. Galatians 6:7-8 tells us that we reap what we sow. If we sow to please our sinful nature, then we will reap destruction. However, if we sow to please the Spirit, then we will reap eternal life. Second, the Law of Respect states that if we command our boundaries to be respected, then we need to respect the boundaries of others. A great example is if a teenager is requesting the boundary of privacy, then he or she needs to respect the needs of privacy of his or her parents. Third, the Law of Proactivity states that we need to be proactive with our boundaries. We need to communicate when a boundary has been violated quickly rather than letting it fester until we explode. Proactive people can live their rights not just demand them. For example, a proactive person will be respectful in order to be respected. They don’t “return evil for evil” (1 Peter 3:9). Fourth, the Law of Activity goes along with the Law of Proactivity. In this law, boundaries are made and maintained by being active. We need to enforce and reinforce the boundaries. Lastly, the Law of Exposure. We need to make our boundaries visible and communicated to others so they can respect them. We need to remind individuals where those limits are.

There are a few myths about boundaries that I want to discuss. First, boundaries are selfish. There is a distinction between selfishness and stewardship. Selfishness is focusing on our own wishes and desires while ignoring our responsibilities. Stewardship is protecting us by saying “no” to people and activities that could be harmful to us. Having wishes and desires is given to us by God, according to Proverbs 13:4; however, we are to keep them in line with healthy goals and responsibility. Second, boundaries are a sign of disobedience especially within the Christian community. A common statement is “Your unwillingness to go along with our program shows an unresponsive heart” (Cloud and Townsend, 1992). However, the lack of boundaries is a sign of disobedience. When people have no boundaries are often compliant on the outside, but resentment builds on the inside. Third, boundaries cause harm. Cloud and Townsend has three myths dealing with boundaries and harm. I have combined them into one. Boundaries help protect us from harm. When boundaries are used properly, they are a tool of defense, they are not a tool of offensive in order to attack or wound someone.  Inappropriate or bad boundaries can hurt us. However, when good boundaries are in place, they can help us toward maturity and responsibility. Lastly, boundaries are permanent. When a boundary is respected, it can be renegotiated later. They can be as flexible and fluid as you want them to be if they are respected. However, some boundaries can be rigid and firm for safety’s sake.

In conclusion, boundaries are often a litmus test for the quality of our relationships. When someone hates when we say “no” and only wants our “yes,” and doesn’t respect the boundaries we put in place, then the relationships are not healthy. Boundaries are about respect. Boundaries need to actively and proactively maintain to avoid others’ violating them. Boundaries are as flexible or rigid as you wish. I have only glanced over the in-depth topic of boundaries. If you wish to learn more, I highly recommend Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They will cover everything in depth and boundaries with the different types of relationships in your life.

The Power of No: life lesson in boundaries

Boundaries. It is a term that everyone is familiar with but have a struggle creating them or even enforcing them. It is a lesson that I am still learning myself. It has taken me a long time to recognize how I allow others to trample over me. Personal boundaries are important to healthy relationships and a productive life. These boundaries are guidelines, rules or limits that an individual creates to identify reasonable, safe and permissible ways for others to behave toward him or herself as well as how an individual will respond if someone violates those limits. The essential key to enforce our boundaries is No. No is seen as negative and usually met with anger and disappointment; however it is the power in which we can protect ourselves and show others how we deserve to be treated, respected and loved. There is power and strength in the word No.

No is often associated with negative feelings. And in a society where Yes is celebrated, it’s hard for people to hear no. However, there is a surge of strength when a person says No and means it. It is a moment of a clear choice. It is a tool and a barrier we establish and maintain (maintenance is very important) a distinct boundary. No carves and supports the space that we recognize as our personal limits. The closer we get to maintain the boundary, the stronger we are. It takes strength to say no and we gain strength by saying no (Stills 2013). No matter how gently you say it, No is a negative event and the receiver may feel bad, disappointed or even angry. No can lead to conflict which many of us like to avoid which is why we say Yes when we mean No. No tests the health, quality and equity of your relationships. If someone is willing to end a relationship with you simply because you denied their request, then he or she is not a person you need in your life. When No is used often enough and wisely, it can help you have a peace of mind about the decisions and direction of your life. You have the right to defend your life, to take care of you. You have the right to put yourself first when necessary. Unfortunately, with some people, you give them an inch and they will take a mile.

Imagine a situation when someone comes to you with a request. They ask you to do something for them and your first instinct is to say No. According to psychologist Sarri Gilman, this is your inner compass which helps you decide your morals, beliefs and other choices we face every day (TEDx Talk December 15, 2015). The ability to say No is an essential element of one’s inner moral compass. This inner compass According to organizational psychologist Adam Grant, “When you are able to say No, people are careful to come with you with only meaningful requests” (Stills 2013). Saying No and meaning it help your Yes have more meaning in the future. Saying Yes all the time will leave you stressed out, overwhelmed and burned out. Blogger Jennifer Rollin has three tips to maintain your boundaries and saying No. First, practice tuning in to your inner sense of yes and no. This is the inner compass which Sarri Gilman discusses. When we ignore our inner compass and say the opposite, it causes problems and stress. Second, learn how to tolerate the reactions of others. In other words, do not internalize their disappointment or anger when you say no. Having no boundaries in a relationship can lead to bitterness and resentment over time. Lastly, engage in acts of compassionate self-care. Self-care is essential to our well-being. We all need time to relax, to unwind, to recharge. As the adage says “You can’t pour from an empty cup.” Find something that can help you relax. It could be something you enjoy like reading or going to the movies. Something in which you can turn your mind off for a while and disengage.

There are five situations which benefit from increasing our strength to say no (Stills 2013). First, when saying No helps you keep true to your principles and values. When someone asks us to do something that would go against our beliefs, but we find it hard to say no because we want to be liked by that individual. We often say Yes because it is a by-product of the desire to be liked. But liking yourself and your decision sometimes only comes when you say No. Second, when saying No helps protect yourself from exploitation. The best way to protect yourself from those who demand and feel entitled to receive their request is by being strong enough to say a firm, clear and calm No. “No is a necessary life shield against the charming users who sniff out the softies” (Stills 2013). Third, saying No when it keeps you focused on your goals. No is a necessary tool to keep your goals in mind and to do your job instead of someone else’s. Fourth, when saying no protects you from abuse by others. This abuse can be verbal, physical or any other form. When the fear can sap the strength to say no, especially in situations when we need that power the most. Lastly, saying no when you need the strength to change course. “When you find yourself going down the wrong road, No is the power necessary to turn yourself around” (Stills 2013).

The ability to say No and maintain my established boundaries has been a struggle for me. I often hesitate saying no because I can envision and anticipate the argument for why I should say Yes. I am a person who is naturally open hearted and generous so No is an unnatural mechanism for me. It is a lesson I’ve been struggling with in recent months. Sometimes it is easy to say No and stick to it and others it causes great anxiety and physical distress. However, when I say it and mean it, I feel a surge of power and strength that I never thought I had before. “It’s exhilarating to feel ion charge of one’s self, to be the boundary setter and the decided. There’s a bonus in energy and self-confidence too” (Stills 2013). Some people will fight your No and your established boundaries. They will take it as a personal attack and challenge you to justify yourself. They may even threaten or jokingly threaten to withdraw their love and affection if you do not do as they ask. Remember, No is a complete sentence and you DO NOT need to offer any explanation other than “I cannot do that.” I’ve learned to choose my words carefully. I’ve also learned that “I don’t think I can…” leaves the door open for someone to convince you to say Yes when you mean No. Instead, a firm “No, I cannot do that” is all the response they need.

In conclusion, recently I came across this metaphor which illustrates boundaries rather well. Imagine neighborhood dogs that want to use your yard for whatever they wish. You put up a fence in order to keep them out. The dogs will still come and bark and yap at that fence. But when the fence is enforced and maintained, the dogs will accept the yard doesn’t belong to them and stop yapping so much. Dr. Henry Cloud, a psychologist who has made a career discussing boundaries, said “Boundaries are a "litmus test" for the quality of our relationships. Those people in our lives who can respect our boundaries will love our wills, our opinions, our separateness. Those who can't respect our boundaries are telling us that they don't love our nos. They only love our yeses, our compliance. "I only like it when you do what I want." If someone truly cares for you, he or she will respect and honor your choice to say No.

References

• Gilman, Sarri Good Boundaries free you TEDx Talk December 15, 2015     https://youtu.be/rtsHUeKnkC8 retrieved October 21, 2017
• Rollin, Jennifer The Power of Saying “No” Huffington Post June 3, 2016   www.huffingtonpost.com/jennifer-rollin/the-power-of-saying-no_b_10285096.html retrieved October 21, 2017
• Stills, Judith The Power of No Psychology Today November 5, 2013             www.psychologytoday.com/articles/201311/the-power-no retrieved October 21, 2017

There are limits to sharing and we need to teach our children those limits

Over the last few months, I read articles about why some parents aren’t teaching their child to share. At first, I thought what a stupid idea but the more I read, the more I can see their reasoning. I understand that there are limits to sharing and we need to teach our children those limits both as the giver and the receiver. If the toy is a “community toy” as in a day care setting, sharing it would be automatic because it doesn’t belong to the child to decide who plays with it and who doesn’t. What is the toy is the child’s personal property? Do you teach automatic sharing? During my research, I’ve come up with three limits to sharing: kindness not obligation, teaching boundaries, and curbing the entitlement culture.

First, sharing should be out of kindness not obligation. If my daughter wants to share her toys it will be out of the goodness of her heart rather than because I told her so. If we force children to share toys they aren’t done playing with or doesn’t want to share, we are teaching them obligation. “I need to share the toy because Mommy said so” and not because she wants to. When we allow a child to share out of kindness, the child learns generosity and seeing the joy of someone else enjoying the toy as well. One day, one of the neighborhood boys came to me and told me that Abby wasn't sharing whatever toy it was at the time. I know he was thinking she would get in trouble and he would have the toy next. When I told him that the toy belong to Abby and she decided who played with it and when. I've also done the opposite and told Abby that a toy which belongs to another child needs to be returned when he or she wants it back. 

Second, a child is not obligated to share just because another child says “please.” The child is being polite; however, no is a perfectly legitimate response. I think it does a child a great disservice to teach that he or she can have something simply because he or she wants it and said please. We need to teach children that because you want something doesn’t mean you’ll get it and help them cope with disappointment because it will happen. Life isn’t fair. Someone will get something you want before you can get it. As adults, we don’t automatically share our property because someone asks. If an adult says, “No, you can’t borrow (fill in the blank),” nothing is thought as the adult is being unfair but when a child says no, he or she is being mean. Why is it okay to say no as an adult but not as a child?

Third, we’ve become an entitlement culture. Life, the universe or God does not owe you anything. Parents, society or others do not owe you anything. A child needs to learn there are consequences for his or her actions. The “I want it now and I don’t want to work for it” attitude needs to stop. Now that my daughter is playing more with the neighborhood kids, I see the entitlement attitudes more and more especially “I want it because everyone else has it.” One day, my mom brought home a cupcake mix to make with my daughter. After they were done, of course, my daughter wanted one. I gave her one and soon I was bombarded with kids asking for cupcakes. When I told them no, for reasons of safety, not knowing food restrictions and parents’ allowances, they said “But she got one.” Why do they think because I gave my daughter something, it means that I will or have to give them one? I also didn’t want to set a precedence that they would expect to eat at my house when I know Abby doesn’t get the same consideration at theirs.

I know we are in the holiday season and the season of giving; however, I feel that sharing and giving should be out of the kindness of our hearts instead of an obligation. If it becomes an obligation, the true spirit of giving is lost. We need to teach our children that saying “please” is being polite but it isn’t the magical word to automatically get it. We need to live in a culture in which yes means yes and no means no without comments of being unfair or being mean. Establishing boundaries of giving when we want to protects is from being taken advantage of. If I were to ask a favor, I hope for a yes but I also expect a no. I will be disappointed with a no response but I understand that it is the other person’s right to deny my request. Why aren’t we teaching our children this principle?