Nocturne: one young woman and a mysterious benefactor who will change her life forever

Nocturne by Alyssa Wees is a haunting story about one young woman and a mysterious benefactor which changes her life. Grace Dragotta grew up in Chicago’s Little Sicily and dreamed of becoming a ballerina. After losing her family, she finds herself orphaned and without a home. She chooses the North Ballet Company as her home and begins to imagine her life center stage. As the Great Depression is in full swing, Grace becomes the company’s new prima ballerina. Soon she attracts the attention of the mysterious and secretive Master La Rosa as her personal patron and she will learn the world is far greater than she ever realized. Who is Master La Rosa? What does he want from Grace? As she begins to learn about her patron, she discovers there is another way to find the excellence she desires. 

I don’t know anything about ballet but Nocturne has it all. It has a mysterious patron a la The Phantom of the Opera, a deal a la Beauty and the Beast and a mix of legends and myths woven into a magical story. As I started the story, it was hard to get into it; however, once I truly sat down to read the story opened up and I couldn’t put it down. The story flowed from the pages and would not let me go. I needed to find out who Master La Rosa was, who his equally mysterious assistant, Mr. Russo was and what role did Grace play within the mystery. It was beautifully lyrical with hauntingly detailed imagery. The beautiful cover drew me in and the story kept me there until the very last page. I highly recommend Nocturne. 

Nocturne is available in hardcover, eBook and audiobook

Thoughts on my own parenting experience: truths and myths

To become a parent or not? That is the question everyone must answer in their life. Some answer the call with a resounding yes and become awesome parents. Some answer the call only to find out they really shouldn’t be parents at all. Others never really had to think about it and became parents before a real decision could be made. Some think they never want kids, have kids and become awesome parents. And sadly, some desperate want to be parents only to have struggles to have a family. There are many truths and myths about parenting that I have learned from my own experience. There are many factors to consider when deciding to have children or not and whether you decide to have children or not, you do not have the right to demean or mock those who made the opposite decision.

A few truths that I have learned from my own parenting experience:

1. Making a baby isn’t as easy as it sounds. And considering how often you hear that someone is pregnant…again, it makes sense why people believe that it is. Getting pregnant is all about timing and for some, it is a detailed tracking of hormones and menstrual cycles with no guarantees a baby will be conceived or even born. Some need medical intervention to get pregnant and even stay pregnant. Nine months is a long time and many things can go wrong. I have two daughters who are six years apart and that wasn’t by design. I have been pregnant a total of eight times with two live births, with five miscarriages and one premature birth which resulted in death of my daughter. Don’t tell someone who is trying to get pregnant to “relax and have fun” because it is very stressful to want something so much and its just not happening.

2. Being asked if you are having any more children is a deeply hurtful and personal question. This goes along with the lines of “when are you having children?” The answer is very personal and if no one else’s business. Some people want a houseful of kids. Others want one or two.  My husband and I are constantly asked if we plan to have any more children, specifically for a boy. I usually just smile and say “no, we’re done.” But inside I’m fuming. Our road to parenthood hasn’t been easy as I mentioned before and to try again knowing the odds were not in our favor, why would we put ourselves through that heartache again? And with no guarantee we would even have a son. The decision to have more children should be more than “you need a boy.” My husband and I are quite content with our daughters.

3. There is more than one right way to be a parent. There are plenty of “experts” who write hundreds of books or offer unsolicited advice on everything from sleep training to potty training to discipline. And I will say that you find what works for you and go with it. Sometimes it will be what the experts recommend and other times it will not. An article stated that American parents make an average of 221 mistakes a year with 65% percent of parents admitting that they allow their children too much screen time (Haaland, 2020). But who is to say what it too much? My oldest daughter has quite a bit of screen time every day, but her homework still gets done, her chores are done, and she does to bed at the same time every night. So, what if is not what the American Academy of Pediatrics recommends of no more than one hour a day for children 6 and older (2016)?

4. Babies do have a lot of expenses. From diapers for about three years to clothes and toys, the costs rack up. One mom stated in her article that babies don’t need a lot of clothes (Pinola, 2013). I totally disagree because babies and children are messy. Babies will have the occasional diaper blow out, children will spill food on their clothes and will be something to change into and we all can’t constantly be doing laundry for a few outfits. However, be smart. Don’t buy the expensive, although cute, clothes from the Baby Gap or other high-end stores. Stores like Target, Carter’s and even Walmart have equally cute, affordable and sturdy clothes to last while your child grows like a weed. Save the expensive outfits for special occasions. One thing I have learned is not to dismiss the store brands especially diapers. Some store brands are as good or even better than the name brands.

Now onto a few myths about parenting from my experience.

1. You'll spoil your baby if you pick him up whenever he cries. I don’t know why this myth keeps going. I suppose it’s the older mothers and grandmothers passing it along. YOU CANNOT SPOIL your baby by picking him up when he cries. Crying is a signal that something is wrong, and he is calling to you to fix it. It could be a dirty diaper or hunger, or he is too hot/too cold. Or he simply needs your comforting presence. As the baby gets older, you will understand the different cries and be able to respond within the appropriate time frame. Besides, sometimes the extra cuddles with your baby does you a lot of good too. I read online that “the days are long, but the years are short.” Learn to appreciate everything about your children as they grow up because you’ll blink, and it will be gone.

2. The "twos" are terrible. Specially the time frame between 18 months and 30 months are only “terrible” if you are not prepared. This is the time frame when children start to learn their independence. When they really don’t want mom or dad’s help, at least right away. As a new mom with my oldest daughter, I learned quickly when she wanted to be independent and try for herself and when she needed my help. Even now, as my youngest daughter approaches this age range, I take a step back and allow her to learn to be who she is. It may seem too young, but the point of parenting is to raise them to essentially no longer need you for everything even before they leave the house as adults. Give them choices and allow them to make decisions on their own and teach them to accept the decision made even when the results aren’t what they hoped for.

3. Good parents put their kids’ needs first. Many parents, especially mothers, believe that a good parent puts their kids’ needs first. For some things I would agree with this statement; however, as a rule, no. When do I put my kids needs first? Usually when it’s something they cannot do themselves yet. For instance, new clothes and shoes. Since they are growing, they need clothes and shoes faster than I do. When don’t I put my kid’s needs first? At dinner time. I usually make my husband’s plate and drink first and then dish out my daughters’ plates and get their drinks. If my husband isn’t ready for dinner yet, i.e. he’s in the middle of an important phone call, I’ll do ahead and dish out my daughter’s plates so they can eat. Other times, depending on what the need is, I will do what I need to do, especially if I’m in the middle of a task, before getting to what my daughters’ need. I have seen some mothers wear their self-sacrifice like a badge of honor and use it to shame the mothers who may not be as self-sacrificing. And that is disgraceful.

4. Don’t let your children sleep in your bed. While there is a growing trend of co-sleeping when a baby is young, there is a lot of advice against it.  Melanie Pinola stated in her article “A word to the wise: Don’t start a sleep or nighttime habit (like letting your kid into your bed in the middle of the night) you don’t want to continue until your child is in college” (2013). Please! No child who was allowed in his or her parents’ bed as a baby or a child is still sleeping there when they leave for college! I’m sure the author meant to be sarcastic or facetious but there are people believe it. My daughters start every night in their beds and if sometimes during the night, they need to come to our bed, we let them. My youngest daughter is still breastfeeding so co-sleeping happens more often. My oldest daughter coming to our bed is rare. I can only think of once in the last few months.

Here I would like to take a moment to talk to the women who decide not to have kids and then proceed to put down the women who did. Recently, a Facebook friend posted the meme below and a friend of hers posted the comment, “They are smart,” insinuating that women who have kids are stupid to have children. I respect everyone’s decision about whether they have children or not, how many children they have, etc. However, it is not your right to demean or shame other women regardless of their decision. I hate that we have become this “us versus them society.” That we put others down to make ourselves feel better. You don’t want kids, that’s fine, that’s your right. I’m sorry that you’ve been harassed by others for not wanting kids. Or you hate the fact that you do have kids and life didn’t turn out the way you thought it would. Life is hard enough without others putting us down.

Bottom line, parenting is hard and being a parent is different for everyone. Every child is different, even with the same parents. And not everyone is ready or will ever be ready to have children. If you decide to not have kids, that is perfectly within your right. If you do decide to have kids, remember this: You do the best you can with what you have in the moment. Sometimes you will mess up and sometimes you will get it right. Admit when you are wrong, and your children will learn that it’s okay to admit our mistakes. When being a parent the main thing to remember that it is all a phase, this too shall pass, and it won’t be like this for long. My favorite saying is still “the days are long, but the years are short.” Before you know it the house full of kids will be an empty nest.

References

American Academy of Pediatrics. (October 21, 2016) American Academy of Pediatrics Announces New Recommendations for Children’s Media Use. App.org. https://www.aap.org/en-us/about-the-aap/aap-press-room/Pages/American-Academy-of-Pediatrics-Announces-New-Recommendations-for-Childrens-Media-Use.aspx. Retrieved January 16, 2020.

Haaland, Marie (January 12, 2020). American parents make 221 mistakes a year while raising kids, report claims. Fox News. https://www.foxnews.com/lifestyle/american-parents-mistakes-raising-kids-report. Retrieved January 13, 2020.

Pinola, Melanie (March 8, 2013). 10 Things I wish I had known before becoming a parent. Lifehacker.com. https://lifehacker.com/10-things-i-wish-i-had-known-before-becoming-a-parent-5989419. Retrieved January 8, 2020.

Boundaries: an important part of our lives

Boundaries is a term popularized by Drs Henry Cloud and John Townsend in 1992 with their bestselling book, Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. A boundary is defined as an invisible line which helps us define ourselves and our responsibility. It has become a popular concept which helps individuals recognize where they begin and end. This boundary line helps guard our hearts and souls as Proverbs 4:23 says “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” A line which helps us define who we are as an individual and who others are. It helps us define what we are responsible for and what we are not. It is a line which allows others to understand which behaviors are acceptable and which ones are not. Below is a brief overview of boundaries, the types of boundaries and how boundaries work.

Boundaries help keep the good in and the bad out. There are different types of boundaries. First, physical boundaries. Who we allow to touch us physical and who we don’t is a physical boundary. Our physical location is also a boundary. Living in a different location from someone who is a toxic or unsafe person is a boundary. Proverbs 22:3 says “the prudent man sees the evil and hides himself.” Second, our words are boundaries. The most basic boundary setting word is no. “No, I will not participate.” Our words help others understand where we stand. For example, “Yes, I like to that” and “No, I don’t like this.” Third, time is a boundary. How much time we are willing spend with people is a boundary. Sometimes we need time apart from others in order to reenergize. Even Jesus took time for himself: to prepare for major tasks (Luke 4:1-2), to recharge (Mark 6:30-32), to grieve (Matthew 14:1-3), in times of distress (Luke 22:39-44) and prayer (Luke 5:16). Lastly, emotional distance is a boundary. It is defined as who we trust and who we do not. Unfortunately, sometimes we need our trust to be broken before we learn who is trustworthy and who is not. It is a lesson that often repeats itself as new people enter our lives.

According to Cloud and Townsend, there are 10 Laws of Boundaries. I will discuss a few of them. First, the Law of Sowing and Reaping. This is the cause and effect of our behaviors, feelings and reactions to the world around us. Galatians 6:7-8 tells us that we reap what we sow. If we sow to please our sinful nature, then we will reap destruction. However, if we sow to please the Spirit, then we will reap eternal life. Second, the Law of Respect states that if we command our boundaries to be respected, then we need to respect the boundaries of others. A great example is if a teenager is requesting the boundary of privacy, then he or she needs to respect the needs of privacy of his or her parents. Third, the Law of Proactivity states that we need to be proactive with our boundaries. We need to communicate when a boundary has been violated quickly rather than letting it fester until we explode. Proactive people can live their rights not just demand them. For example, a proactive person will be respectful in order to be respected. They don’t “return evil for evil” (1 Peter 3:9). Fourth, the Law of Activity goes along with the Law of Proactivity. In this law, boundaries are made and maintained by being active. We need to enforce and reinforce the boundaries. Lastly, the Law of Exposure. We need to make our boundaries visible and communicated to others so they can respect them. We need to remind individuals where those limits are.

There are a few myths about boundaries that I want to discuss. First, boundaries are selfish. There is a distinction between selfishness and stewardship. Selfishness is focusing on our own wishes and desires while ignoring our responsibilities. Stewardship is protecting us by saying “no” to people and activities that could be harmful to us. Having wishes and desires is given to us by God, according to Proverbs 13:4; however, we are to keep them in line with healthy goals and responsibility. Second, boundaries are a sign of disobedience especially within the Christian community. A common statement is “Your unwillingness to go along with our program shows an unresponsive heart” (Cloud and Townsend, 1992). However, the lack of boundaries is a sign of disobedience. When people have no boundaries are often compliant on the outside, but resentment builds on the inside. Third, boundaries cause harm. Cloud and Townsend has three myths dealing with boundaries and harm. I have combined them into one. Boundaries help protect us from harm. When boundaries are used properly, they are a tool of defense, they are not a tool of offensive in order to attack or wound someone.  Inappropriate or bad boundaries can hurt us. However, when good boundaries are in place, they can help us toward maturity and responsibility. Lastly, boundaries are permanent. When a boundary is respected, it can be renegotiated later. They can be as flexible and fluid as you want them to be if they are respected. However, some boundaries can be rigid and firm for safety’s sake.

In conclusion, boundaries are often a litmus test for the quality of our relationships. When someone hates when we say “no” and only wants our “yes,” and doesn’t respect the boundaries we put in place, then the relationships are not healthy. Boundaries are about respect. Boundaries need to actively and proactively maintain to avoid others’ violating them. Boundaries are as flexible or rigid as you wish. I have only glanced over the in-depth topic of boundaries. If you wish to learn more, I highly recommend Boundaries by Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They will cover everything in depth and boundaries with the different types of relationships in your life.

The 7 Myths about Love...Actually: an examination of what we falsely believe about love and happiness

The 7 Myths about Love…Actually by Mike George is an examination of common misconceptions about love, happiness, our identities and our world. The book is structured into three parts. Part 1 is entitled “A Love Story” in which Mr. George discusses the myths about love and debunks each myth. Part 2 is entitled “A True Story” in which the author discusses the labels in which we identify ourselves by and as well as why those labels are wrong or not necessary. He calls these labels “Pretends.” Part 3 is entitled “A Happy Story” in which Mr. George discusses thirteen myths about happiness and what happiness truly is. How can someone truly love and be happy in today’s world?

I was interested in this book when I saw the title. I was eager to see these love myths as I know many people who believe so desperately in them. However, the book I read wasn’t what I anticipated. It is a self-help book to help readers become self-realized. Self-realization is the fulfilment by oneself of the possibilities of one’s character or personality. It is a term often used in psychology, philosophy, spirituality and Eastern religions. While I agreed with some of Mr. George’s premises, I found myself rolling my eyes and disagreeing with many of his statements. In his introduction, he tells the reader to not to believe a word. He urges readers to “believe nothing but examine everything.” I agree with this statement, do not believe simply because someone told you; however, I did not agree with his statement that all beliefs are lies. There are things in life that one must take on faith and your belief is rewarded or not later. While I did not agree with many statements made in this book, I am recommending it to those who are seeking why they often lose in love or are unhappy. The one main truth in this book is love and happiness is found within and once you have it there, you will find it in the world.

The 7 Myths about Love…Actually

is available on Amazon

in paperback and on the Kindle