Rebekah: a warning against parental favoritism

This month’s study is on Rebekah. Her story is filled with initiative and strength as well as a warning against parental favoritism. She was hard-working and generous. Her faith was so great that she left her home to marry a man she had never met or seen. Rebekah would be like her mother-in-law, Sarah. Her heart would be divided between faith and doubt. She believed in God’s promise but also believed it involved her intervention. Yet she played favorites between her sons and failed to trust God fully for the promises he had made. She would favor one child over another, and she would deceive her husband to help her favored child. In many ways, Her story is told in Genesis 24, 25:19-34, and 26:1-28:1-9. What was her story? Why was her initiative her greatest strength? How was her parental favoritism a lesson to us all? 

At a well outside the village of Nahor, approximately 500 miles northeast of Canaan, a young woman named Rebekah was fetching water when she was approached by a stranger. She offered him a drink, as it was the custom, but she did something extraordinary. She offered to water the stranger’s 10 camels as well. This stranger was on a mission. He had been sent by his master, Abraham, to find a wife for Abraham’s son, Isaac. He had to look for certain criteria. He knew he had found the one God wanted for Isaac in Rebekah. She quickly agreed to marry Isaac and later would give birth to twin sons, Esau and Jacob. Esau was favored by Isaac and Rebekah favored Jacob. Years later when Isaac was old and blind, Esau was sent hunting to prepare Isaac a meal in exchange for a blessing. Rebekah overheard this exchange and began to devise a way for Jacob to receive the blessing instead. Since Jacob was born at Esau’s heel (Genesis 25:26), she believed that Jacob should have been the firstborn and deserved the blessing. Following his mother’s plot, Jacob disguised himself to trick his father into thinking he was Esau and receive his blessing. When Esau found out, he vowed revenge for his stolen blessing and essentially his birthright as the eldest son. To save Jacob’s life, Rebekah, then persuaded Isaac to send Jacob find a wife among her brother, Laban’s daughters.

Rebekah was an initiator. She got the ball rolling. When she saw an opportunity, she acted even if it was not always right. It was Rebekah’s initiative that caught the attention of the stranger. While it was common courtesy to offer a drink to a stranger, it was an added generosity to offer water to the camels (Genesis 24:19-20). Her story also is evidence of how initiative can be misdirected. She knew that God’s plan would be channeled through Jacob and not Esau as Genesis 25:23 says, “the older will serve the younger.” So, Jacob became her favorite and she planned ways to ensure Jacob overshadowed his brother. Meanwhile, Isaac preferred Esau, perhaps because he was the older son. Whatever the reason, it may have caused conflict between Isaac and Rebekah. She may have felt justified to deceive her husband and allow Jacob to her the greater blessing. Most of the time we try to justify the things we choose to do, like Rebekah felt she was justified to help Jacob in fulfilling God’s plan. We are responsible for our action and must be cautious about our motives. Are we trying to follow God’s plan or follow our own desires into what we think is God’s plan? Initiative and action are admirable and right when they are informed by God’s word and wisdom.

Parental favoritism hurts families. The story of Rebekah, Isaac and their sons is an example of how it can tear apart a family. We see that favoritism again with Jacob as he favors his son, Joseph, over his other sons (Genesis 27:3) and caused tensions between the siblings (Genesis 37:4). Parental favoritism is said to occur in one-to-two-thirds of American families (Shira, 2009). There are several factors that lead to parental favoritism including gender, birth order and personality. Parental favoritism is problematic when there are consistent and arbitrary differences in treatment (Shira, 2009). The long-term effects of parental favoritism are largely negative as unfavored children are more likely to struggle with intimate relationships and depression as well as have a weakened self-esteem. They become people pleasers to get attention and develop a chronic need to feel special. “Perceived favoritism from one's mother still matters to a child's psychological well-being, even if they have been living for years outside the parental home and have started families of their own” according to Karl Pillemer, a Cornell University researcher (Bryner, 2010). Parental favoritism can be avoided, according to Pillemer, by avoiding “obvious remarks about favoritism, or comparing one child to the other in discussions” (Brynner, 2010). Most parents worry about showing favoritism while other parents may use it to gain cooperation or compliance from the unfavored child.

In conclusion, Rebekah was a woman who saw a need and would move into action to fulfil it. While she was generous to a stranger, going above and beyond the common courtesy, her initiative would cause issues in her family as she felt the need to intervene in fulfilling God’s plan. She is also a cautionary tale against parental favoritism. Favoring one son over the other lead to a sibling strife that would last for generations. It also taught Jacob to favor one child over his other children. The lasting effects of parental favoritism can be evident into adulthood. Initiative and action can be a great assent. However, we need to evaluate our motives behind our proposed actions. Are we answer the call of God’s will? Or are we following a more selfish motive? As parents, we need to be aware of any perceived favoritism as it may have lasting effects.

References

Bryner, Jeanna. (June 28, 2010). Mom's Favoritism Stings, Even for Adults. Live Science. https://www.livescience.com/8385-mom-favoritism-stings-adults.html. Retrieved May 13, 2020.

Shira, Ilan. (January 10, 2009). When Parents Play Favorites. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-narcissus-in-all-us/200901/when-parents-play-favorites. Retrieved May 13, 2020