The Ex Between Us: what if your best friend turns on you?

The Ex Between Us by Nicola Marsh is a psychological thriller of two best friends with the deadliest secrets. Abi and Jo have been best friends since junior high school, ever since Abi came to Jo’s rescue from a bully. They went through everything together. They’ve hit their rough spots especially when Abi committed a terrible mistake and betrayed Jo. But she found a way to forgive Abi and they became closer than ever. After Abi’s son goes off to college and Abi tries to find a new life as an empty-nester, a strange series of events start to unravel. Abi and Jo begin to experience terrifying events that lead them to believe someone is out to harm them. And they seem to be escalating. From property destruction to threatening messages, who could be behind it all? Is it someone watching from the shadows? Or is it someone a little closer to home? 

The Ex Between Us is a slow burn thriller that turns into a fiery inferno toward the end. The story will leave the reader guessing with characters who aren’t what they seem. With no shortage of suspects from high school frenemies back in town to the exes that never seem to let go. At one point, Abi has a new man in her life and Jo is not pleased. But is he who he says he is? Like the moving pieces on a chessboard, no one knows who’s playing who. Both Abi and Jo were likable and unlikable at times as the reader tries to figure out who was after who and who was only acting as a friend. The characters’ motives and secrets kept me guessing and I wasn’t sure who was after who until the last third of the book. A great mystery with building suspense and tension. I highly recommend The Ex Between Us. 

The Ex Between Us is available in paperback and eBook

Best friends and spouses: one in the same or not?

A couple months ago, I came across a tweet in which the individual definitely stated that your spouse cannot be and should be your spouse. I laughed because I consider my husband my best friend. And judging based on the responses this tweet got, many people agree and disagree with the statement. I had a few people I consider a best friend, people who have known me for years, who have seen me through the best and worst of my life. However, it got me thinking: what is a best friend? And can a spouse be considered a best friend? So I set out to find out what other people thought and what I discovered is that how you answer the best friend question is how you define what a best friend is and the problem is many people define a best friend in different ways. 

According to Merriam-Webster, a best friend is “a person's closest and dearest friend.” Urban dictionary describes a best friend as someone who is there for you through thick and thin, someone who listens and understands, a person you can call anytime about anything and someone who will stand up for you in times of struggle. Both definitions do not exclude spouses. Nowhere does it say, “a woman’s closest female friend” or “a man’s closest male friend.” It says a person’s closest and dearest friend, someone who supports, listens, and understands. So why can’t it be a spouse? Some people still say no. In the no category, non-romantic friendships can be an escape from the pressures of adulting (Health Essentials, 2019). Does that mean my romantic friendship with my husband always reminds me or him of our adulting responsibilities and pressures? I don’t think so. My husband and I can have relaxing fun together without thinking about our responsibilities. According to Amanda FitzSimons, calling your spouse your best friend is “eye rollingly cliche” with too many expectations on one person to be both best friend and spouse (2019). 

According to my research, overwhelmingly many people are saying yes, spouses can be, and actually should be, your best friend. According to Skye Cleary, a philosopher and lecturer from Columbia University, if aspects of friendships are brought into romantic relationships, the foundation of the relationship is stronger (Yu, 2017). To some, it is even a Biblical example of a husband and wife becoming one flesh. “Two of the closest and dearest friends who have a profound trust of one another. Husband and wife of one human nature, glued together in Christ'' (Wobscall, 2020). Friendship is one aspect of a marriage, just like sexual intimacy is one aspect. Both are important to the longevity of a relationship. If you don’t have a friendship with your spouse and what is important to you is separate from your spouse, then you aren’t married. You are roommates with benefits. There are no hard and fast rules, what matters is what works for your and your relationship (William, no date). David William has a great list of reasons why your spouse can be your best friend, which leads me to my thoughts on the topic. 

My husband is my best friend. He is one I can be myself. I can reveal all the bad stuff about me: the weaknesses, the insecurities and the dark moods. And he is the same with me. A couple years ago, I made a statement about my husband’s grumpy moods and someone commented with “such a wife thing to say.” To which I replied back, “Well, I see him day in and day out. I’ve seen him at his best and I’ve seen him at his worst.” We do fun, childlike things together. Recently, we had a water balloon/water gun fight in the backyard. We laughed until we were breathless. We do things together like watch certain tv shows and movies, but we also have our own activities apart. I have my reading and blog and my favorite tv shows and movies that I don’t force him to watch. He has his own favorite movies to watch without me and he has his toy hunting activities apart from me.. When I need a female perspective and companionship, I have female friends to call upon and my husband has his male friends for male perspectives and companionship. 

In conclusion, you can be best friends with your spouse. And being best friends doesn’t mean that 100% of your time and activities is spent together. That is unhealthy in any relationship. What it boils down to is how you would define a best friend. If your idea of a best friend is drinking wine and bitching about your spouse and kids, then your spouse isn’t your best friend. But if your idea of a best friend is someone who supports you, who knows you inside and out, who you love to spend time with, then your spouse can be your best friend. Another important note, no one gets to dictate who you decide is your best friend. The important thing is to have that person who is all things that a best friend should be, whether or not it's your spouse. 

P.S. I think the best way to illustrate the idea of a spouse being your best friend is this scene from The Gilmore Girls (2000-2007) from season 4, episode 20, It’s Luke Can See Her Face

Guy on tape: "Whose phone calls or visits are never unwanted or too long? Do you see her face? Who would you most like to have in your life to ward off moments of loneliness? Do you see her face? When you travel, who would make your travels more enjoyable? Do you see her face? When you're in pain, who would you most like to comfort you? Do you see her face? When something wonderful happens in your life, a promotion at work, a successful refinancing, who do you want to share the news with? Do you see her face? Whose face appears to you, my friend? Whose face?"

References

FitzSimons, Amanda (September 3, 2019). Please Don’t Call Your Spouse Your Best Friend. Shondaland. https://www.shondaland.com/live/family/a28724108/please-dont-call-your-spouse-your-best-friend/. Retrieved April 25, 2021. 

Health Essentials (October 1, 2019). Should Your Spouse Be Your Best Friend? Cleveland Clinic https://health.clevelandclinic.org/should-your-spouse-be-your-best-friend/#:~:text=%E2%80%9CHaving%20a%20partner%20who%20is,template%20for%20a%20successful%20marriage.%E2%80%9D. Retrieved April 25, 2021. 

William, David K. (no date). 15 Reasons Why Your Partner Should Be Your Best Friend. Life Hack. https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/15-reasons-why-your-partner-should-your-best-friend.html. Retrieved April 25, 2021. 

Wobschall, Dan (September 7, 2020). Can Your Spouse Be Your Best Friend? BeBroken. https://2.bebroken.com/be-broken-blog/can-your-spouse-be-your-best-friend. Retrieved April 25, 2021. 

Yu, Christine (August 8, 2017). Should your spouse be your best friend? Headspace. https://www.headspace.com/blog/2017/08/08/should-spouse-be-best-friend/. Retrieved Apriln 25, 2021. 

Friends: the pain of letting go

Friends. They are a great part of ourselves. Recently, I’ve been evaluating the friends in my life: the ones which have left, the ones still here and the ones who seem to have one foot out the door. Friendships are like other relationships. They are fluid, ever changing with periods of closeness, struggles, drifting apart and back to closeness. How do we categorize our friends? What do you do when your friends are drifting apart and do not come back to closeness. Do friends become acquaintances once again?

Categories of friends:

• Acquaintances: the people we know in passing. They don’t know us on a more personal level and we only see them in certain situations like school or work.
• Online friends: With today’s technology, we have online friends whose interaction is solely on the internet. They can add value to our lives. Some may eventually meet in person, the majority never have on-on-one interaction.
• True friends: which we interact with on a regular, reciprocating basis.
• Good friends are part of our inner circle.
• The best friend. We all want one. Ever since grade school, we chose a best friend of the day or week. Some best friends become lifetime friends. The very close relationship in which a lot of time is spent together. This is the person you may call when you are excited, sad or just need to talk.

I look at this list and I notice that I have a lot of acquaintances and online friends. I have a few true friends but out interaction is purely online now. I have no real true or good friends whom I have physical interactions with on a regular basis. And I feel I have no real best female friend. I look at this list and I wonder what have I done or didn’t do that my relationships haven’t developed into deeper, closer relationships. I have to think I’m the problem because the common factor is me.

How do you come to the realization that you need to let go from your life? Over the last few days, I have felt like I have no friends. I don’t go out anymore because we either have grown apart and we’ve become Facebook friends, with only our past to talk about. Some of my friends live simply too far away to have any closeness with. The internet and phone calls can only do so much. I don’t have girls’ nights. I don’t have a friend to call when I want to vent my anger too. I know I have people who I can call in times of need for support and advice. But will I? Probably not because I feel I'm interrupting their lives with my problems. I want the fun side of friendship, too.  As I wrote and thought about this post, I realized that God maybe clearing my life of the people I thought were friends to make room for others. But it's still painful seeing a friend walk away from you. 

I didn’t write this post for anyone to feel sorry for me. I’m even reluctant to post it but I doubt anyone will read it. I think my life is in a transition now and I think something is just beyond the horizon. I wrote this post so that I could recognize the need to let of certain friends and for others to possibly recognize that they are holding on to certain people in their lives. I recognize when people leave your live, something better comes along. About 10 years ago, I had a friend leave my life very abruptly and without explanation. I always wondered why. I realize now that if this person stayed in my life, I wouldn’t gotten to know the man who has become my husband. I realize now that someone better came into my life. I realize now that it’s okay to let go the friend who no longer has a purpose in my life. It’s a painful process to let go of a friend whom you were once very close to. But it’s like holding on to a cat who is fighting desperately to be free. You are only going to end up wounded and even scared.