Thaddeus: the disciple with the heartfelt question

Thaddeus, also known as Judas, son of James is another disciple that little is known about. His occupation isn’t mentioned in the scriptures, his characteristics aren’t highlighted. Other than being listed among the Twelve Disciples, Thaddeus fades into the crowd, witnessing Jesus’s miracles, listening to his teachings and following his instruction. The major event in which he is singled out is during the Last Supper, when he asked Jesus a question. What is the situation in which Thaddeus comes into the spotlight? What was his question? Did Jesus answer him? Can we bring our own questions to God and get the answers we seek? 

He is known as Thaddeus to distinguish him from Judas Iscariot. In John 14, Jesus is teaching during the Last Supper, preparing them for his departure. In verses 15-21, he is promising the Holy Spirit will come to them and be a Counselor and live with them forever. He will reveal himself to those who love him and keep his word. Thaddeus asks in verse 22, “But, Lord, why do you intend to show yourself to us and not to the world?” Jesus stops his teaching to answer in verses 23-24, “If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own, they belong to the Father who sent me.” Jesus then continues his teaching on the Holy Spirit. 

There are three parts to Thaddeus’ motivation behind his question. First, his question shows compassion for the world, wanting everyone to know Jesus. It reveals a man who has a selfless desire for the world to have the same opportunity as the disciples to know and follow Jesus. Second, Thaddeus had curiosity and an eagerness to learn and his desire for a deeper understanding of Jesus’s plan for the world. Lastly, his question also shows his comfortable relationship with Jesus. Thaddeus felt comfortable enough to question his Lord’s actions. To interrupt the teaching and ask a direct, honest question that was on his heart. Just as there were three parts to Thaddues’s motivation, there are three parts to Jesus’s response. First, love and obedience. Manifestation is related to love and obedience to him (John 14:23). Only those who love and obey Jesus’s teachings will know Jesus and the Father. Second, the indwelling presence. With love and obedience, the Father and Jesus will make their home with each believer (John 14:23). This indicates a unique relationship based on love and obedience. Lastly, implied rejection of the world. The wider world, lacking love and obedience, would not be ready for the same divine revelation and manifestation (John 14:24). 

In his book, Twelve Ordinary Men (2002), John MacArthur described Thaddeus as a “gentle soul with a tender, childlike heart.” His question shows a heart for the wider world. He wanted everyone to know Jesus. Thaddeus is a great example that we should hesitate to ask our questions. Questions that are crafted to gain knowledge, insight and understanding of the many difficult issues we encounter in the scriptures are welcomed. It shows our desire to live out Jesus’s teachings. There are many individuals asking their questions to God. From prophets like Jeremiah and Habakkuk, to King David, these men brought their questions to God. James 1:5 says that “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him.” Jesus tells us to ask and it will be given to us (Matthew 7:7). We can approach the throne with confidence to ask our questions (Hebrews 4:16). We do not need to stumble in the dark, hoping to discover the answers to our questions. We can come to God with our heartfelt questions and he promises to provide the answers we seek. 

In conclusion, even though little is known about Thaddeus, we can learn an important lesson from his question. We can bring our questions. We can question God about the things we do not understand. God wants our questions. Like a child who goes to his parents with his questions, God wants us to come to Him. When our heart truly seeks the answers, God will lovingly answer us for he gives wisdom and from his mouth comes understanding and knowledge (Proverbs 2:6). God promises that we may not understand fully now; but one day, we will know in full (1 Corinthians 13:12). 

Hannah: a lesson in faith and prayer

One of the women I related to the most in the Bible is Hannah. A woman who desperately wanted a child and had to suffer month after month when it was evident she hadn’t conceived. She was treated with malice and ridicule by her husband’s second wife , who was able to have child after child, but she never responded with malice in return. She may have even suffered from the pitiful, sympathetic looks from the women in her community.  Instead she suffered in silence and poured her heart out to God. Her story is told briefly in 1 Samuel 1-2:11, 19-21. While her story is short, it has an impact felt by many and, by her example, can give hope to other women who suffer from infertility. Her story is one of affliction, despair and faith. It is also an example of God’s comfort and concern for the oppressed and afflicted. 

Hannah actively avoids her husband’s second wife, Peninnah, a woman who has given birth when Hannah has not. Her husband, Elkanah, attempts to comfort her which only adds to her pain and isolation. On a yearly trip to the Tabernacle, Hannah stays behind as the rest of her family goes to rest for the night. She stays there, weeping and praying. Her lips were silent but her heart poured out to God. She prays that if God would grant her a son, she would give him to the Lord for all the days of his life (1 Samuel 1:11). When Eli, the priest, spots her, he assumes she is drunk, which was common, and confronts her. Hannah explains why she is there, Eli blesses her. Back home, Hannah conceives and gives birth to Samuel. After Samuel is weaned (about 3 years old), she takes him to Eli at the temple. Each year Hannah would present Samuel with a robe she made as the family would make the trip to the temple. Each year Eli would ask God to bless her, to replace the child she prayed for and gave up for the Lord. Hannah would become the mother of three more sons and two daughters. Like Sarah and Rachel, Hannah grieved for the children she couldn’t have. Unlike them, Hannah took her anguish directly to God. Instead of pitying herself, she poured out her heart and soul to God. 

Infertility is defined as not being able to conceive after a minimum of six months of unprotected sex. Infertility is physically and emotionally draining that despite her best efforts, a woman is unable to become pregnant. Women who cannot have children often feel less than female. The emotional pain is tremendous with debilitating personal sorrow made worse by a husband’s disappointment, pressure from the families and pity from society. Hannah was a woman of faith who turned to God when she was in the depths of her deepest sorrow. She realized only He would answer her prayer and only He could prove the consolation and purpose in life she desperately wanted. As I faced my own infertility issues, I took Hannah’s example to heart and prayed to God. After I suffered my first miscarriage in May 2010, I looked to God for answers, for guidance and peace it be His will that I never have children. I prayed that he would give the doctors wisdom and the tools. I gave birth to my first child in January 2012 but my infertility journey was not over. I would have miscarriage after miscarriage for five years until I delivered another child in August 2018. Infertility has been a humbling experience. Some women never overcome the feelings of shame and regret that they couldn’t have children at all or couldn’t have more. It is an emotional scar they carry with them for the rest of their lives. A wound that never truly heals. 

There are three lessons in Hannah’s story. First, God provides comfort and peace, not just answers to prayers. According to 1 Samuel 1:18, as she left the temple that day, her face was no longer downcast. She felt peace and comfort that only God can provide. She didn’t know if God would answer her prayer with a child but she felt at peace that God had heard her. Psalm 23:4 says, “You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.” Second, our children are gifts from God. In 1 Samuel 1:27, Hannah says “I prayed for this child, and the Lord has granted me what I asked of him.” She acknowledges that Samuel is the answer to her prayer. But these gifts aren’t ours to keep forever. God asks us to return them to Him as children grow up. They leave home as they pursue the purpose God has called them to do. As Hannah continues in 1 Samuel 1:28, “So now I give him to the Lord. For his whole life he will be given over to the Lord.” Lastly, God is concerned for the oppressed and the afflicted. Derived from Isaiah 61:3, the song Beauty for Ashes by Crystal Lewis portrays God’s caring beautifully. The chorus states, “He gives beauty for ashes/Strength for fear/Gladness for mourning/Peace for despair.” God cares for each one of us. 

In conclusion, Hannah represents the character of an earnest petitioner and grateful recipient of divine intervention. She was bullied by another woman. Her husband tried, and failed, to comfort her. She turned to the one she knew who could help. Her prayer has been an inspiration for many women who have suffered infertility and child loss. Hannah was also a woman who kept her vow. She vowed that she would give her child to God, if she were to have a child. She could have easily said, “No. I’m not doing that.” But she didn’t. She knew that Samuel was given to her by God and to God he would be given back. Her story is also another example of God’s caring and concern to those who suffer. All we need to do is to come to him, pour out our hearts just as Hannah did. He listens and he answers. 

If you or a woman you know is suffering from infertility, I highly recommend Jennifer Saake’s book Hannah’s Hope: Seeking God’s Heart in the Midst of Infertility, Miscarriage, and Adoption Loss. It is available in paperback, eBook, and audiobook. 

To those for whom Mother's Day is a difficult day

Today is Mother’s Day, a day to celebrate the woman who has been the most influential in our lives. While many people of happily buying gifts and mushy cards for their moms, there are a great deal more who feel the weight of today. This post is for them. This is for the women who must hide their pain as they watch everyone’s joy and celebration. I feel your pain. I know your pain. You are not alone. I see you and you are in my prayers. Many people think that becoming a mother and even being a mother is something that just happens. I know the heartache and the struggles that some don’t think about.  

To the mothers who struggle with pregnancy loss: I know this day can be the hardest. And I know that nothing I say can ease your pain. It doesn’t matter if you have a child or you don’t, any loss of a child makes this day is a reminder that all of your children are not here. While the thought may be in your head all year around, this day can bring the thought to the forefront more often, I know. It’s okay to be sad and grieve for the child or children who aren’t here to celebrate you as their mom. I pray that the Lord draw you closer today and may you feel the love of the day. Because you are a mother. Your child may not have drawn breathe or lived to see this day; however, you still held them under your heart or in your arms for their time on earth. You still had hopes and dreams for life with this child. It’s okay to cry. If I could, I would hug each one of you and cry along with you.

To the mothers who may not have their children due to circumstances beyond their control: I can’t begin to understand the sorrow you feel with this day. Not all moms don’t have custody of their children because they did something wrong. Sometimes it’s just in the best interest of the child. At the time you may the best decision you could. To know that your child(ren) are out there somewhere and not with you. I wish I had words of wisdom for you, for comfort, for strength. I can only pray that the Lord gives you the comfort that your children are safe and loved. They miss you and think of you often. And may one day they will be with you again. I know there is no getting back the days or years without your children and the hope of seeing them again one day may be of little comfort, I hope you find it in your heart and mind to understand that you did nothing wrong. You were trying to be the best mother to your children. Unfortunately, this cold, cruel world was against you.  

To the individuals who mothers are no longer here: the loss of a parent is one of the hardest goodbye we will face in life, especially a mother. When your mother is a strong positive influence and force in your life, her absence can be felt the deepest on Mother’s Day. When your mom was your confidant and a source of comfort and advice and everything a mother should be, Mother’s Day makes her loss an even deeper hole in your life. Remember your mom with fondness, remember the good days and happy times. “When you speak of her, speak not with tears, for thoughts of her should not be sad. Let memories of the times you shared give you comfort, for her life was rich because of you” (author unknown). May the memories of your mom bring joy and laughter through your tears for our mom never truly leave us. Their love leaves a deep impression on our hearts.

To the individuals who may not have the greatest relationship with their mother: this day can be hard too. The greeting cards gush with love over a mom’s love, a mom’s care and influence. Cards thanking moms for being the reason you are such a great person today. However, this may not be a positive thing. I know many people who are great people despite their mother’s treatment of them growing up. When your mother isn’t a positive influence in your life, it makes the meaning of Mother’s Day very hard. I know people whose mothers act and believe that their children are here to serve them throughout their lives and never really see them for the adults they are today. The wound is deep when it’s your mom who doesn’t see you as a strong, successful person, living life and taking care of things as successful adults do. Nothing you do may be good enough for her, but you can be proud of your accomplishments.

In closing, I want to leave you with words of comfort. When Mother’s Day is a day mixed with sadness among the joy and celebration. To the mothers of loss and those who have lost their moms, “Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal” (from a Headstone in Ireland). To the mothers whose children cannot be with them, may you feel your child’s love across the miles. To the individuals with not so good relationships with their moms, I know it’s hard when the woman who is supposed to love you doesn’t act like it. To everyone who hurts on Mother’s Day, Psalm 34:18 says “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” May you feel the Lord’s comfort today and always. 

The symbolism of dragonflies

Recently, my husband and I suffered another miscarriage. We hadn’t made the announcement public yet so many of you didn’t know we were pregnant. I feel the need to share my loss with everyone so others know that they do not need to go through a loss alone. This loss was similar to our past losses as well as new. My pregnancy had warning signs that something was wrong and I couldn’t get anyone from my doctor’s office or the clinic to pay attention until it was too late. The strange thing is during the last month, my apartment complex has a swarm of dragonflies. I wasn’t sure where they were coming from and I’ve never seen them around our area in a very long time. Then suddenly they were gone!

Then one August night, I had a dream where I held a baby named Angel and I was in a place that I didn’t recognize. I woke up with a sense of foreboding that renewed my resolve to find out what was going on. When I finally was able to get someone to listen and set a doctor’s appointment for me, the doctor confirmed my worst fear, my baby was gone. He or she died at 8 weeks gestation (three weeks prior!). As my practice with my babies, I chose a name and an animal which I pick to associate with them. For this baby, I chose Angel as it was in my dream and the dragonfly because it was so prevalent in recent weeks. Then a good friend of mine informed me that she had a dream that included me being surrounded by dragonflies! I was curious about the symbolism of the dragonfly and what I found astonished me.

The myth surrounding dragonflies is that dragons of ancient days transformed themselves into today’s dragonflies. To the Japanese Samurai, the dragonfly symbolizes power, agility and victory. In Ancient China, they symbolize harmony, prosperity and a good luck charm. To the Native Americans of the Plains, the dragonflies symbolizes happiness, speed and purity. In some Native American cultures, the dragonfly symbolizes the flight of departed souls. To the Ancient Mayans, the dragonfly symbolizes creativity. Only the Europeans and Australians (via British colonization) have negative images of the dragonfly. They are called the witch’s tool and that Satan sent it to earth to cause chaos, confusion and punishment. I also looked into what others view the dragonfly as a spirit or totem animal. It helped me see more of the beautiful of this wonderful creature. There are three main themes of symbolism of the dragonfly as a totem animal: change and transformation, power and adaptability, and lightness and emotional flexibility.

First, dragonflies symbolize change and transformation. They symbolize the wisdom of when it’s time to change, to transform. Their transformations through their life cycles has come to symbolize the change in perspective. To symbolize a change in mental and emotional maturity and an understanding of a deeper meaning in life. I see the dragonflies as a reminder to appreciate every moment of the miracles in what we call life. I’ve learned not to take anything for granted. Life isn’t about the stuff you buy, the stuff you accumulate. It is about the people you surround yourself with. The husband who works hard for the home you build together. The daughter who loves to hug you and tell you she loves you. The mom who would give her last dollar if you truly needed it. The brother and sister who would drop everything to come to your aid at your most desperate times. And the friend who lends an ear when you need to vent, offers a new perspective when you can’t see the forest for the trees, and simply loves you for you. These are the true treasures of life.

Second, dragonflies symbolize power and adaptability. Since dragonflies can fly in any direction, they have come to symbolize the ability to adapt and tackle life situations from difference angles. The dragonfly has adapted to have amazing eyesight. Its eyes can see in 360 degrees and 80 percent of its brain power is devoted to its eyes. The power and adaptability of the dragonfly’s eyes have come to symbolize the opening of one’s eyes and to see beyond the mundane. I see myself in the symbolism of adaptability. I have gone through most of my life with plans not quite working out. I think of myself to be great when it comes to adapting when situations change quickly. Although, I will admit that I will resist at first and try to bring it back to the plan I had in place. However, I will quickly realize that it isn’t always possible. I see dragonflies as the symbol of the ability to stop on a dime and assess the situation, adjust if needed and continue on.

Third, dragonflies symbolize lightness and emotional flexibility. With the iridescence of their wings, dragonflies symbolize being a light in even the darkest moments. This lightness can be in the form of one’s thoughts and feelings. To keep a light and positive outlook no matter what. Even in my darkest moments, I find myself finding the silver lining so to speak. None of the doctors I saw during my miscarriage said my husband and I couldn’t try again. It gives me hope that I may still be able to bring another baby into the world. The only few negative comments about trying again were from people who never suffered a miscarriage and the emptiness that you feel. The desire for a child only grows more intense after pregnancy losses. I also learned that I am not one to easily give up. When my confidence has been low, I would quit and be filled with regret later that I didn’t keep trying. So I’m not going to quit until God or my body tells me enough’s enough.

As I researched dragonflies and saw myself in these symbols, I was curious about the other symbols I had chosen for my babies. For AJ, I chose a bumblebee simply because a playful bee is depicted on the last ultrasound I have of him/her. I was shocked and pleased to discover the symbolism of the bumblebee. Bumblebees are a symbol or reminder to trust in miracles! And I do, I believe in miracles. Even when logic and the world around you says “no way,” God will say yes. For Abby, my miracle and only surviving child (so far), I chose a butterfly. Butterflies symbolize playfulness, renewal and joy. She is certainly the joy in our lives. Although she has hit a resistance stage where she fights almost at every turn, she is still very sweet and gentle. I love her independence spirit. For Ziva, I chose a hummingbird simply because I’ve always loved hummingbirds. Hummingbirds symbolize resiliency, lightness of being and swiftness. Ziva was so tiny when she was born, I can see her as a hummingbird.

I realize now that the symbols I chose to represent my children are a reflection of me. The trust in miracles, the joy, resiliency, and ability to change are representative of me and my outlook on life. Despite the darkness in my life, I look to change and grow. I look to joy and renewal. I look to God as the source of all life. I believe these messages from my dreams, my friend’s dream and the presence of the dragonflies were God answering my prayers about Angel. Even though it wasn’t the answer I was hoping for, I feel at peace that God was talking to me in different ways. You may read this and think it’s crazy. A dragonfly is a dragonfly and that I’m searching for meaning in nothing. But there are many examples in the Bible in which animals have been messengers and helpers of God, so why couldn’t He do so today? And how is it wrong that I am filled with comfort and joy when I see a bumblebee or a butterfly or a hummingbird or a dragonfly? Do I believe it’s the spirit of my heavenly babies? No, I don’t; however, I can see these creatures, think of my babies and smile. And I see nothing wrong with that. 

Nurses are my heroes in the medical field

The View, a TV talk show, which claims to be a place five women from different points of view together to discuss the headlines of the day since it began airing in 1997. Recently, the show came under fire for criticizing and mocking a Miss America contestant, Miss Colorado Kelley Johnson. Since everyone is familiar with the segment and the ongoing outrage and backlash, I will not rehash it here. However, I do want to extend my appreciation for the millions of nurses. To the nurses who were a part of the happiest moment and the devastated moments of my life. I don’t remember your names but you have left an impression on my heart and memory.

To the nurse who sat by my side while I was in labor with my daughter, Abby. The nurse who talked with us and helped pass the time as best as possible. The nurse who guided my husband as we prepared for the stage to bring our daughter into the world. And when the doctor was stitching me from the episiotomy and didn’t listen when I said I could feel the needle, the nurse who quietly gave me another dose of pain medication through my epidural. The nurse who brought my newborn daughter to us and quietly shooed my mom out of the room. The nurse who stood in the background as my husband and I marveled at the new person in our lives and stayed with us until they took me to my recovery room. It’s been almost four years since then and I still remember. Thank you for the amazing job you did that day. 

To the nurses who attended me while I was in the hospital desperate to stay pregnant with Ziva and ultimately rushed into an emergency C-section. To the nurse who held me as the anesthesiologist put in the spinal block. The nurse who let me squeeze her arm even when I left nail marks. The nurse who reassured me that she would not let me fall. To the nurse who was at my bedside when I woke up in the surgical recovery room and made sure I was as comfortable as possible. To the nurse who brought my daughter in so I could hold her for the first and last time. To the nurse who would come in and check my vitals. She always apologize for waking me up and she come in, checked and was out as quickly as possible. To the nurse who I saw in my aftercare. I was given an appointment I didn’t need but still took the time to listen to my story, cried with me, prayed with me and even recommended a great doctor.

To the nurse who sat with me in the ER exam room and made sure I was comfortable. Many people don’t know this but on August 13^th of this year, I suffered a miscarriage which sent me to the ER. This nurse made sure I was comfortable and warm because, of course, I had the exam room right next to the ambulance door. The nurse who apologized for the wait and explained what the doctor was waiting for before coming in with my results. The nurse who turned down the lights so my husband and I could get as much sleep as we could while we waited.  The nurse who didn’t hesitate when she saw that we were ready to go home, got my discharge papers and sent us home with best wishes.

I’ve heard many good and bad stories about nurses. I’ve had a few bad ones too. However, the great nurses are the ones which stand out in my mind. I think I would have a hard time doing the job that they do. And for the women on the The View to openly mock a profession which they do not understand and will need throughout their lives is just plain stupid. To the millions of nurses who work tirelessly every day for patients and doctors who may or may not appreciate what you do, I say thank you. I have seen what you do and I appreciate you. To me, you are the hero of the medical field.