A few thoughts on turning 40

Yesterday I turned 40. I know some women, and men, would run and hide before announcing their age; however, age is just a number. Many people have asked me if I was scared to turn 40. I’m not. Age is a matter of perspective. You are as old or as young as you feel physical as well mentally. Looking back on my life so far, there are very few regrets. A few things I would change or do better, but no real regrets as every decision as led me to the life I have now. Here are a few things I have learned over my 40 years.

1. Do not compromise your beliefs, morals or philosophy for anyone. You can change your mind but do so without coercion or threat.

2. Actions speak volumes and words are empty when actions don’t back them up. Show gratitude especially to those who go out of their way to help you. When you borrow money, pay it back. Don’t make promises you can’t or won’t keep.

3. Face your fears. You may find it wasn’t as bad as you thought, and you’ll be stronger for it.

4. Learn to stand up for yourself and set boundaries. I have always hated confrontation, and still do, but I have learned that my fear of confronting someone only hurts me in the long run and allows others to continue behaviors that hurt us. Don’t let people guilt you into questioning or eliminating a boundary. They are there for a reason.

5. Plan for the future, expect the unexpected but don’t forget to live for today. Life is a roller coaster with its twists and turns, ups and downs and speed, especially speed. Years go by fast. In a blink of an eye, I’ve been married for 10 years and it feels as if it was just yesterday. To quote Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

6. God doesn’t always give us what we want when we want it. But He will give us what we need when we need it.

7. I know people hate to hear this but…Everything happens for a reason. Whether it is a direct result of our own decisions or someone else’s actions, our troubles, heartaches, are lessons and experiences that God will use in the future. It could to help us avoid these events in the future or it could be to help someone else through the same experience.  

8. Follow your heart. You like something, embrace it. You love certain style of clothes, wear there. Don’t follow trends or societal dictates simply because society tells you that you need to.

9. Follow your first gut instinct. It is usually right in the first place. Learn to listen to the little voice in your head that tells you something’s wrong. Learn to recognize red flags and don’t ignore them.

10. You can decide who you allow in your life. Just because you are related to someone doesn’t mean you have to have a close, or even a relationship at all, with them. A toxic person is toxic regardless of the relationship. I don’t care if someone is a friend, a sibling, a parent. If that person hurts you in any way, physically or mentally, you are allowed to say enough’s enough and close the door on that relationship. Surround yourself with people who love you, support you and will lovingly correct you when you are wrong.

11. Find yourself a partner who is your best friend first. Someone you can laugh with, have deep conversations with. Someone you can cry with. Someone you can share your deepest secrets, thoughts, fears and dreams and know they will never tell another soul or hold it against you. Someone you can tease, be sarcastic with, even argue with but at the end of the day, he or she will kiss you goodnight and say, “I love you.” Sexual attraction is important but it’s not everything. And say “I love you” often. It’s scary at first but it gets easier

12. Be humble. Admit when you are human and will make mistakes. Not just to others but to yourself as well. Mistakes are failures to be used as stepping stones to future success. You don’t have to have all the answers, just know where to find them when you need them.

13. Talk to your elders. One main regret in my life is that I didn’t talk with my grandfathers more. My parental grandfather lived in another state, so distance made it easy to not talk. I grew up with my maternal grandfather more and I found him very intimidating and I was very shy. Now, as an adult, there is so much I wish I asked. It’s funny though, he has been gone for almost 23 years and I can still feel his strong hugs every now and then.

14. Life isn’t fair. Sometimes we get rewarded for our good deeds and sometimes we don’t. The trick is to roll with the punches. Learn to deal with the things you can and let go of the things you can’t. You cannot fix other people’s problems. Leave that to them. You may advise or suggest but the ultimate solution must be their actions. Just like your problems are yours to fix.

15. Forgive. Not just for those who hurt you but for your own wellbeing. Unforgiveness is like a stone around your neck. It will drag you down, turn you bitter. It is like a thorn in your heart that will fester and do you more harm than the original injury. And don’t hate. You may dislike someone or someone and that’s ok. But don’t hate. Hate is another thing that can turn you bitter and cold.  

In conclusion, turning 40 is a milestone that some never see. I count myself fortunate as I am healthy, and my family is healthy. As I look back over my life, there is no time than now that I’d rather be. I am stronger than my younger self. I am wiser than my younger self and I hope to pass on my lessons to my daughters, so they can be better prepared to deal with life’s twists and turns. Turning 40 isn’t something to be feared. It is to be celebrated. I’d rather be 40 and married to my wonderful husband and have my two beautiful daughters than be 21 again. I look forward to my next 40 years.