New Year's thoughts and reflections

It’s that time again. As another year closes and the promise of new beginnings in a new year is before us, I am taking the time to reflect on 2019 as well as look forward to 2020. I think about the changes my life has gone through this year and I wish I could tell go back in time and tell myself, that everything will work out and I would be alright. To quote from the movie, Forrest Gump (1994), “Don’t you just love New Year’s? You get to start all over.” Everyone loves New Year’s and the chance to start fresh.

More changes came with 2019. My husband and I moved once again to a beautiful home that we have been incredibly blessed with. We have hit a stride that we finally have this adult thing down. As I turned 40 this year and I have the benefit of my experience to look back on and know that there is no time or place I would rather be. Although stress and hard times will always come our way, I feel we are better equipped to deal with whatever life may throw our way. My husband continues to grow professionally at work and takes great pride in a job well done. My oldest daughter is thriving at her new school and has grown into such a young lady that it’s hard to fathom that she will be 8 years old in a few weeks. My youngest daughter is now a toddler, walks and climbs and gets into all sorts of mischief. I look forward to further growth in 2020.

It's interesting that in 2019 was the year of continued growth in my life but it was also the year of looking back. As the song, Auld Lang Syne, commonly sung at new year’s, says “Should old acquaintance be fought and never brought to mind,” this year was the year of old friends from long ago brought to my mind. One friend, whom I haven’t seen since junior high, I have been thinking about her for a while and when I found her picture in my photo box, I took a chance to look her up. I was able to find her on Facebook but as hesitate to contact her. Would she remember me? Would she want to speak with me? Another friend popped up on my “People You May Know” list on Facebook. Most of the time they are people whom I have mutual friends with but sometimes it brings up random people like “Yeah! I do know him/her!” Sometimes the desire to reconnect with old friends is strong. Maybe 2020 will be the year of reconnection.

2020 will be another year of change as it brings the presidential election and other changes. While I am not looking forward to the ad campaigns, the mudslinging and the tensions between family and friends and even strangers on the internet. It comes with the territory of differing opinions, I guess but it stresses me out. It may be the time which I limit my time on social media. 2020 also brings the Summer Olympics in Tokyo to look forward too. Also, a very special birthday for my wonderful husband comes up this year so that will be a great time of celebration. 2020 is also the year to make new goals and work toward achieving those goals. I welcome the challenges which will undoubtedly come my way. I know that I have the love and support of my wonderful husband and extended family and friends to battle on whatever comes my way.

In conclusion, 2019 was a year of change and amazing blessings. 2020 is a new chance for new beginnings. But then again, each day is a chance for a new you. As I look down the calendar and see all that will happen, good and bad, expected and unexpected, it will be a great year. And before you know it, we will be saying goodbye to another year and looking forward to the promise of another new year.

A few thoughts on turning 40

Yesterday I turned 40. I know some women, and men, would run and hide before announcing their age; however, age is just a number. Many people have asked me if I was scared to turn 40. I’m not. Age is a matter of perspective. You are as old or as young as you feel physical as well mentally. Looking back on my life so far, there are very few regrets. A few things I would change or do better, but no real regrets as every decision as led me to the life I have now. Here are a few things I have learned over my 40 years.

1. Do not compromise your beliefs, morals or philosophy for anyone. You can change your mind but do so without coercion or threat.

2. Actions speak volumes and words are empty when actions don’t back them up. Show gratitude especially to those who go out of their way to help you. When you borrow money, pay it back. Don’t make promises you can’t or won’t keep.

3. Face your fears. You may find it wasn’t as bad as you thought, and you’ll be stronger for it.

4. Learn to stand up for yourself and set boundaries. I have always hated confrontation, and still do, but I have learned that my fear of confronting someone only hurts me in the long run and allows others to continue behaviors that hurt us. Don’t let people guilt you into questioning or eliminating a boundary. They are there for a reason.

5. Plan for the future, expect the unexpected but don’t forget to live for today. Life is a roller coaster with its twists and turns, ups and downs and speed, especially speed. Years go by fast. In a blink of an eye, I’ve been married for 10 years and it feels as if it was just yesterday. To quote Ferris Bueller, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

6. God doesn’t always give us what we want when we want it. But He will give us what we need when we need it.

7. I know people hate to hear this but…Everything happens for a reason. Whether it is a direct result of our own decisions or someone else’s actions, our troubles, heartaches, are lessons and experiences that God will use in the future. It could to help us avoid these events in the future or it could be to help someone else through the same experience.  

8. Follow your heart. You like something, embrace it. You love certain style of clothes, wear there. Don’t follow trends or societal dictates simply because society tells you that you need to.

9. Follow your first gut instinct. It is usually right in the first place. Learn to listen to the little voice in your head that tells you something’s wrong. Learn to recognize red flags and don’t ignore them.

10. You can decide who you allow in your life. Just because you are related to someone doesn’t mean you have to have a close, or even a relationship at all, with them. A toxic person is toxic regardless of the relationship. I don’t care if someone is a friend, a sibling, a parent. If that person hurts you in any way, physically or mentally, you are allowed to say enough’s enough and close the door on that relationship. Surround yourself with people who love you, support you and will lovingly correct you when you are wrong.

11. Find yourself a partner who is your best friend first. Someone you can laugh with, have deep conversations with. Someone you can cry with. Someone you can share your deepest secrets, thoughts, fears and dreams and know they will never tell another soul or hold it against you. Someone you can tease, be sarcastic with, even argue with but at the end of the day, he or she will kiss you goodnight and say, “I love you.” Sexual attraction is important but it’s not everything. And say “I love you” often. It’s scary at first but it gets easier

12. Be humble. Admit when you are human and will make mistakes. Not just to others but to yourself as well. Mistakes are failures to be used as stepping stones to future success. You don’t have to have all the answers, just know where to find them when you need them.

13. Talk to your elders. One main regret in my life is that I didn’t talk with my grandfathers more. My parental grandfather lived in another state, so distance made it easy to not talk. I grew up with my maternal grandfather more and I found him very intimidating and I was very shy. Now, as an adult, there is so much I wish I asked. It’s funny though, he has been gone for almost 23 years and I can still feel his strong hugs every now and then.

14. Life isn’t fair. Sometimes we get rewarded for our good deeds and sometimes we don’t. The trick is to roll with the punches. Learn to deal with the things you can and let go of the things you can’t. You cannot fix other people’s problems. Leave that to them. You may advise or suggest but the ultimate solution must be their actions. Just like your problems are yours to fix.

15. Forgive. Not just for those who hurt you but for your own wellbeing. Unforgiveness is like a stone around your neck. It will drag you down, turn you bitter. It is like a thorn in your heart that will fester and do you more harm than the original injury. And don’t hate. You may dislike someone or someone and that’s ok. But don’t hate. Hate is another thing that can turn you bitter and cold.  

In conclusion, turning 40 is a milestone that some never see. I count myself fortunate as I am healthy, and my family is healthy. As I look back over my life, there is no time than now that I’d rather be. I am stronger than my younger self. I am wiser than my younger self and I hope to pass on my lessons to my daughters, so they can be better prepared to deal with life’s twists and turns. Turning 40 isn’t something to be feared. It is to be celebrated. I’d rather be 40 and married to my wonderful husband and have my two beautiful daughters than be 21 again. I look forward to my next 40 years.

Here's to 10 years of marriage and many more!

To my wonderful husband,  

Tomorrow marks our tenth wedding anniversary. Traditional wedding anniversary gifts are tin or aluminum which represents durability and flexibility needed to sustain a loving relationship. Modern wedding anniversary gift is diamonds which represents longevity and love. The daffodil is considered a tenth wedding anniversary gift for it represents rebirth and new beginning. Daffodils are the first blooms to pop up after a long winter. Tin, aluminum, diamond and daffodils are good symbols of our first ten years. Being married for ten years is quite an accomplishment today. We have seen good times and we have seen bad times. We had times when it seemed the bleakest, but we pulled through with our faith in God and in each other.

As I look back over our first five years, I see so much that rocked us to the core, but we stood firm. We miscarried twice in the early years. We suffered our second daughter’s premature birth and death. The grief stemming from these events pulled us closer when we’ve seen other couple being torn apart from their grief. You have been a rock in those early months following her death, making sure I was okay and encouraging me as I worked through my grief. As the densest cloud of grief cleared, we were able to talk about our experience with her death and I learned how deeply you suffered from her loss too. One of the brightest spots in those early years was the birth of our daughter, Abby. A beautiful young lady who is full of life and maturity that at 7 years old is amazing. She is your little girl and buddy. You two are two peas in a pod. I look at her and see you clear as day. She loves collecting her figures and displaying them like Daddy does. She is my fellow bookworm. She loves to read and wants to review books like Mommy does.

The last five years has put our marriage to the test in ways in hadn’t been tested before. Challenges and obstacles that almost broke us. We were able to pull tighter together and rely on God’s guidance and grace to help us when all things seemed hopeless. Three more miscarriages, each one another disappointment but we were determined to keep trying. We went through turbulent financial times that we struggled through, but I feel we are finally in a place that we have learned the lesson of the past and work hard to avoid those mistakes again. You achieved one of your dream when you were promoted, and we were in a better position to buy a reliable car and move into a new home. Another bright spot and surprise of the last five years was the birth of Zoe. She has been a wonderful addition to our family and watching you interact with her truly warms my heart and makes me smile. Another Daddy’s girl in the making, I love the way she smiles and laughs with you. Even your ability to rock her to sleep when she resists falling asleep for me.

Now we look to the future. We have so many changes coming. Many of them are good and couple are scary. But I know that together we can weather any storm. I know that we were brought together by God. Even though we both have a few more gray hairs and extra pounds, I still see the man who nervously sat down on my table and asked me to a movie. I see the man who sweetly asked me to marry him. I see a fiercely loyal man who burns with anger when your loved ones are hurt. I see the man who loves his family so much that he gets up and goes to work when he’d rather sleep in. I see the man who can make me laugh. I love that we can be sarcastic with each other and still flirt after all this time. I love getting up in the morning with you, to hand you your coffee and lunch and kiss you goodbye as you head to work. Together, we are the missing pieces of each other. We know each other well enough to know when something is wrong even when we don’t want to talk about it.  

Tomorrow we are enjoying the day as a family and I can’t think of a better way to spend the day. I love the imagery of the ten-year anniversary gifts. With tin/aluminum, we have the flexibility and durability to weather the challenges that life chooses to put in our path. With diamonds, we have the longevity to push forward. And the daffodil, a beautiful flower that pushes through the cold winter into the spring. Even though we may face cold, harsh winters in the future, I know that we will be able to push to the spring of better days. I look forward to the next ten years and beyond!

I love you, 

Your loving wife

What is cultural appropriation?

This past Halloween, I read a comment on a celebrity’s Facebook page that accused the girlfriend of the celebrity of cultural appropriation. Cultural appropriation is a term I have not heard before. After a quick search, I was intrigued to research it more due to the massive debate about whether or not it is wrong or not. This post will be longer than usual as there is so much information that I want to share to make sure this topic is covered. While I may not cover it all, I want to give enough of an overview that I do not leave anyone confused. I will discuss what it is, the arguments for and against and how we proceed.

First, what is cultural appropriation? The official definition is a term from Sociology which deals with the adopting of elements from one culture by members of another. It is often portrayed as harmful and is claimed to be a violation of the collective property rights of the originating culture. In most cases the adoption of the cultural elements are by a dominant culture from a minority culture. Many sociologists feel cultural appropriation is avoidable as multiple cultures live among each other the exchange of cultural elements will occur. These elements may be borrowed and applied by the dominant culture against the wishes of the minority culture and the original meaning of the cultural element is lost or distorted and seen as disrespectful. While some view it as inevitable and a contribution to diversity and free expression.

Examples of cultural elements:

• Food
• Fashion, hairstyles, makeup and body modifications
• Art, iconography and adornment
• Religion and spiritual symbols
• Technology
• Language, including slang

The debate about cultural appropriation is deep and greatly divides people who fight against it and those who feel it isn’t as big a deal as the social justice warriors (SJWs) believe. The proof is in how people define the term and the examples they use.

The opponents of cultural appropriation are deeply passionate about it and argue with which fervor will leave many feeling shame that they would use these cultural elements. Opponents believe it is wrong when the minority culture is subordinated in social, political, economic or military status to a dominant culture or a history of ethnic or racial conflict. The views of colonialism, context and the difference between appropriation and mutual exchange are a part of their main argument. According to many opponents, cultural appropriation is different from acculturation (the cultural modification by adopting or borrowing) and assimilation (the process of taking in and fully understanding information or ideas). The main argument is that the cultural element is taking out of context and is often misapplied. For example, Native American sweat lodges and vision quest ceremonies are being used and run by non-Native Americans who do not understand the significance or the dangers when someone doesn’t know who to perform the ceremonies properly. Another example is the bindi mark which appeared at Coachella in 2014. The bindi is a traditional Hindu head mark with religious significance. Many Hindus were highly offended by those who wore the bindi as they did not fully understand the meaning and it was more than a beauty mark. One strong argument against cultural appropriation is when someone can or will enjoy an aspect of a culture, like the food, but still be prejudice against the people who brought the food to this country. “Cultural appropriation shows that you don’t have to like a person or respect their identity to feel entitled to take from them” (Johnson, 2015). 

As much as there is passion against cultural appropriation, there is an equal fervor by those who think it is simply today’s oversensitivity. Take one definition posted by a user on Urban Dictionary, “The ridiculous notion that being of a different culture or race (especially white) means that you are not allowed to adopt things from other cultures. This does nothing but support segregation and hinder progress in the world. All it serves to do is to promote segregation and racism.” Another user posted: “The idiotic conflation of culture with racism. Essentially the absurd belief that the cultural exchange that has served to enriched humanity throughout all of human history is wrong because racists exist.” And lastly, “A pile of SJW bullshit stating that its racists to indulge in foreign cultures.” Of all the user definition posted, the majority were negative like the ones I’ve quoted. Proponents of cultural appropriation view it as benign or mutually beneficial. It is mutation, product diversity, technology diffusion and cultural empathy. For example, George Lucas borrowed elements for Star Wars from Akira Kurosawa’s The Hidden Fortress who borrowed from Shakespeare. John McWhorter, a professor at Columbia University and contributing editor at the New Republic, wrote “The idea that when we imitate something we are seeking to replace it rather than join it is weak.” The concept has morphed from the original idea to a parody. According to McWhorter, people get angry simply when whites happily imitate something minorities do as if imitation is a kind of dismissal rather than a sincerest form of flattery. Another article expressed concern over the fervor against cultural appropriation as “unchecked by reason, therefore unworried by hypocrisy, snowflakes creep closer to actual violence” (Wakefield, 2017). The fight against cultural appropriation is seen as simply anti-white sentiment.

So what do we do? I’m not sure where I read this but someone made the comment that social justice warriors and “snowflakes” (a term for an extremist liberal offended by every statement ot belief that doesn’t exactly match their own. I see this behavior with conservatives too but that’s another post), are trying to reinstate an apartheid, a complete separation of cultures, after decades of fighting to remove such separation. In a way, this statement is correct, however, in my opinion, I see both sides of the coin. In many terms, cultural appropriation is bad and even insulting while others are simply the passage of time that it has become a part of both cultures. For example, an element from a culture should never be a costume or the butt of a joke which perpetuates an ethnic stereotype, according to Jenni Avins of The Atlantic. Just as a sacred symbols should not be worn as accessories. For example, in the last decade, individuals started wearing the Catholic rosary like one would wear a necklace. A rosary is not jewelry, it is a tool of prayer. It is not a talisman for protection. In her final words of her article, Maisha Johnson said “I am encouraging you to be thoughtful about using things from other cultures, to consider the context and learn about the best practices to show respect.” This statement makes sense to me, when respect is shown, I see no problem when someone of one culture borrows from another culture; however, the problem is someone may think they are being respectful when they are not or you may have some who, no matter how respectful a person may be, is insulted when someone outside the culture uses an element. This is when I feel the fight against cultural appropriation goes too far.

In conclusion, we live in a society in which we must walk on eggshells especially when you are white. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “not bad for a white woman” when I’ve cooked a delicious meal of traditional Mexican food or other ethnic foods. As if the color of my skin hinders my ability to follow a recipe and cook. On the other side, there are other aspects of different cultures that I would never feel comfort wearing or participating in, simply because I am not a part of that culture. Bottom line, if you are going to borrow something from another culture, be respectful and give credit where credit is due. I would want the same consideration if someone wants to borrow from my culture. What are your thoughts?

Reference

• Avins, Jenni. The Dos and Don’ts of Cultural Appropriation.             www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2015/10/the-dos-and-donts-of-cultural-appropriation/411292/. October 20, 2015. Retrieved December 1, 2017.
• Johnson, Maisha Z. What’s wrong with Cultural Appropriation? These 9 Answers Reveal its Harm? www.everydayfeminism.com June 14, 2015. Retrieved December 1, 2017.
• McWhorter, John. You Can’t Steal a Culture: In Defense of Cultural Appropriation. www.thedailybeast.com/you-cant-steal-a-culture-in-defense-of-cultural-appropriation. July 15, 2014. Retrieved December 1, 2017.
• Urban Dictionary. www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Cultural%20Appropriation. Retrieved November 30, 2017
• Wakefield, Mary. The Mad, Bad Crusade against ‘Cultural Appropriation' www.spectator.co.uk/2017/04/the-mad-bad-crusade-against-cultural-appropriation/. April 1, 2017. Retrieved December 1, 2017. 

Native American Heritage Month: a time of celebration and contemplation

November is Native American Heritage Month. First sponsored by the American Indian Heritage Foundation through the efforts of its founder Pale Moon Rose, the aims of the heritage month is to provide a platform for Native people to share their culture, traditions, music, crafts, dance, and ways and concepts of life. It also gives Native Americans the opportunity to express to their community, at the city, country and state levels, their concerns and solutions for building bridges of understand and friendship. I’ve been interested and have great respect for Native Americans and their history and culture since the seventh grade. I will touch briefly on the topics of culture and traditions, music, crafts and dance, and ways and concepts of life in this post.  There are approximately 566 federally recognized Native American tribes in the US each with their own culture, language and history, and each with their own unique traditions, housing, dress and food.

I want to address the common misconceptions about Native Americans and there are many; however, I will address a few. First, the Natives weren’t that advanced when the Europeans arrived. They were primitive and similar to a third world country. The truth is they were advanced just different than from what the Europeans were used to. They had a complex society with medical advances that scientists today are using the plants they were as medicines today. The French who traded furs with many different tribes, had a great respect for the Natives and recognized the things they actually did better. Second, Indian Royalty. We’ve all heard people claim that they are descended from an Indian princess. My family was included in this as we were told we were descended from a Canadian Indian princess. While I was excited to be descended from First Nations (as they are called in Canada), I was skeptical of the princess part. Why? Because the Natives had no concept of royalty. Chiefs were not ordained from birth to lead the tribes. They were often chosen for their bravery and leadership and their family may have been well treated and respected but they were not royalty. I think the idea of royalty is how the Europeans tried to explain the Natives’ societal hierarchy and it stuck. Lastly, Native Americans worship nature. While they do have a profound respect for nature and are greatly in tuned with it, they do not worship it. There is usually a god they worship who represent an aspect of their daily lives. For instance, they would pray to the god who would help them with the crops or the hunt or. They also have a concept of a God, usually called the Great Spirit and an evil spirit similar to Satan.

With so many different tribes in the United States and each unique, it is hard to speak in general terms about the Natives’ culture and way of life. The Plains Natives were different from the Natives who lived in the Desert and those who lived in the Northern Mountains. No matter what area of the country, the Natives contributed a great deal to our country both past and present. Many foods were introduced to the world’s diets and became staples were first cultivated by the Natives of the New World. Foods such as corn, potatoes, peanuts, tomatoes, chocolate, pineapples and avocadoes just to name a few (Scholastic). Natives were also the first to raise different types of animals for food, for example, turkeys. They also were the first to cultivate cotton, rubber and tobacco. Approximately 60% of the world’s food supply came from the Natives agricultural system (Gibson). Native Americans contributed a great deal to medicine as well. The Canadian Natives knew how to prevent scurvy by eating foods rich in vitamin C and passed the information to European sailors (Scholastic). The Shoshane tribes used crushed stone seed powder as an oral contraceptive while the Potawatomi nation used the dogbane herb for contraceptives centuries before modern medicine developed the birth control pill. The rate in which Native Americans have participated in military service is higher than any other ethnic groups. Most notably the Code Talkers in World War II; however, Native Americans served in the Korean, Vietnam, Desert Storm and the Iraq wars as well (Gibson). The concept behind American Sign Language originated with the hand signals used by the Natives and traders. Lastly, many of our English words are Native in origin such as barbecue, hammock and hurricane as well as many American cities are Native words, for example, Miami, Wichita, Spokane and Seattle (Gibson).

I also understand how many Native peoples would feel conflicted or even insulted at the idea of a month dedicated to people who were systematically abused and still suffer. Sunny Clifford wrote in an opinion article, “As much as I appreciate the gesture of Native American Heritage Month I feel torn about it. I’m torn because this nation needs a month to remember how it came to be. No, if you want to honor Native Americans then teach the real history in your schools.” I understand her conflict. While I think it’s great that a culture gets to be highlighted for a month; however, it is insulting that for the rest of the year, their part in history is largely ignored. I also hate that while I was in school, most of our country’s history is taught by dates and major events. I did not truly learn about Natives in our country’s history until I took history and ethnic studies classes in college. Unfortunately, history is expansive and detailed that it would very difficult to teach it as the individuals who lived it deserved to have it retold and remembered. History is only one subject that American children must take and unfortunately the focus is not on history but on math and science. Another hurdle is the Winston Churchill quote “History is written by the victors,” those who “win” are those who can write about “how” events occurred and who was at fault. Often, the victors or those writing about the victors will ignore or rewrite facts in order to make the victors look better. Some information gets lost to the sands of time and other information gets drowned out by the loud and more powerful. It is will take an extra effort to make sure every voice in American history is heard.

In conclusion, there is no denying that the Native Americans were not a backward or primitive society that many European settlers would have history believe. The Native peoples contributed not only to the United States but the world as well. I still have a deep respect for the Native peoples and I continue to discover new things about their culture, their way of life and their contributions to my life in ways I never knew before. Unfortunately, there are many myths about the Native tribes which are still believed by a vast majority of people. Whether it is by design or it’s by ignorance, our educational system has ignored the voices of those who lived through historical events. Only through education can we dispel these myths and see the Native Americans as great contributors to our country and our world. For the next couple weeks I will feature a post about an aspect of Native Americans in our country through books, films and sports.

References

Clifford, Sunny What Native American Heritage Month Means to Me. Indian Country Today. November 24, 2013. http://indiancountrymedianetwork.com/news/opinions/what-native-american-heritage-month-means-to-me/ Retrieved November 4, 2017.

Gibson, Kelly Native American Contributions to the U.S. September 22, 2011 http://blog.nativepartnership.org/history-of-native-american-day-part-2/ Retrieved November 5, 2017

Scholastic Native American Contributions www.scholastic.com/teachers/articles/teaching-content/native-american-contributions/ Retrieved November 5, 2017.