With the passing of my father, I reflect on the memories, the wounds and the healing

Steven Joseph Nelson was born in Klamath Falls, Oregon as the oldest son of Claire M. and Marlene J. (nee Mingo) Nelson on September 22, 1954. At 18, he hitchhiked to California and eventually settled in Orange County. In 1977, he married his wife and they had four children. After 14 years of marriage, they divorced. He enjoyed flying and playing guitar. He is survived by his ex-wife, his four children, two sons in law, four granddaughters, three grandsons, his younger brother, his aunt and cousins and friends. On April 5, 2026, after a brief illness, I got word that my father died in his sleep. He was 71 years old. I was left with bittersweet and conflicted feelings. The thing is my father and I had a very basic relationship. He barely knew me and I definitely didn’t know him. The last time I talked to him was in September 2025 when he started to decline. He was so weak and could barely talk that it was a short conversation. But I realized that I didn’t have much to say to him. Through my life as I dealt with the issues in my life, I came to the realization that Steven Nelson was my father, but he was not my dad. 

In the days following his death, I wanted to focus on the happy memories I had of him. However, the more I thought of the happy memories, the more I was confronted with when he hurt and disappointed me. I started playing the flute in the fourth grade. When I wasn’t playing as well as he thought I should have been, my dad took me aside and played me a song by Jethro Tull and said “this is how the flute should sound like.” Anyone who knows Jethro Tull knows that Ian Anderson is a genius on the flute. To say it crushed me is an understatement. I knew I couldn’t play like Ian Anderson, so I gave up and never played it again. He didn’t show up for my 8th grade promotion ceremony claiming I, or my mother, never told him about it. I know we did. He barely made it to my high school graduation ceremony. Although he did come to my second college graduation and eventually my wedding. On the rare occasion when I needed help, I got the “the only time you guys call me is when you need money.” Anyone who truly knows me, knows how hard it is for me to ask for help. It was a blow that stung and I never called him again for anything after that. In recent years, we did try to have more of a relationship and there have been phone calls but there were few and far between. Either it was by choice or busy schedule, time got away from us both. 

I don’t write this to villainize my father. He was a broken man who found it easier to walk away. Though his example taught me what type of man I did not want. I did not want a man who wasn’t willing to work hard for the things he wanted in life. I wanted a man who engaged with his children, to celebrate their successes and encourage them when they failed. I wanted a man who would support me in my dreams, comfort me when I am afraid and encourage me to be better than I was the day before. A man who wasn’t afraid to be vulnerable, to admit he was wrong, to sincerely apologize and try to make it right. God brought such a man into my life when I needed him the most. My husband and I will be celebrating 17 years of marriage this July and while we have had our ups and downs, we are stronger together because of them. My husband is the type of father I wish I had. I love watching him interact with our daughters, to share similar interests and activities. He and our oldest daughter love watching horror films together. He and our youngest daughter enjoy doing yardwork together and watching old 80s cartoons. My husband is not a perfect man but he is a great man who tries. He admits when he is wrong, apologizes when he needs to and isn’t afraid to have deep emotional conversations. My husband is the first person I turn to. He has been my biggest cheerleader and protector. He is my best friend. 

A lot of people may ask how I was able to rise above my conflicted feelings about my dad. It is because of my relationship with Jesus Christ. Through Jesus, I have a Father who loves me unconditionally and never leaves me. You may ask how do I know he is always with me. I have many examples but one poignant moment that sticks out in my mind. On October 30, 2013, I went into preterm labor with my second daughter and in order to give her a better, slim but better, chance at survival, I went through a c-section. Sadly, she did not survive and I was in the hospital recovering. One of my aunts was there at the hospital and before she left, she prayed for me. When she left, I felt a distinct pressure on my head, as if someone laid a hand down in comfort. I remember crying for the first time since I arrived at the hospital. I even tear up thinking about it now 13 years later. He can do the same for you. He wants to be there in your sorrows and your joys. He loves you so much that he sent his only son, Jesus (John 3:16). He is a father to the fatherless (Psalm 68:5, Psalm 10:14, Hosea 14:3). He desires a personal relationship with you. He desires to have personal communication with us. In prayer, we can speak directly to him and he answers through his scriptures (Matthew 7:7–8,11) and he knows our needs before we even ask for them (Matthew 6:8). He is always with us. When everyone who puts their faith in Jesus, the Holy Spirit is sent to us and never leaves us (John 14:16-17). Every good and perfect gift in my life, I know, have been given to me by my Father in Heaven (James 1:7). 

There is a difference between a father and a dad. Fathers are simply genetics but a dad is who helps shape their children’s lives. Plenty of men become fathers, but not all become dads. To the fathers out there, please fight for your children and be a dad. You can have a big positive impact on their lives. It may not seem like it but you do. Sons will learn how to be a man, a husband and a father from you. Daughters will learn what real love looks like and how a man who truly loves her will treat her from you. You have the choice to be your son’s first hero or first villain. You have the choice to be your daughter’s first love or her first heartbreak. Choose wisely. To the daughters out there who have the not so great or absent fathers, I feel your pain. It sucks and you deserve better. However, you can take his example and rise above it. Go through the grieving process as you heal from the wounds and the wounds can heal. It will be a painful chapter in your life; however, the pain does not need to define every moment. You deserve to be loved and cherished by a man who truly loves who and shows it every day. You can take your father’s example and look for the man who is his opposite in every way. Find a man who gives your future daughters the dads they deserve. The man who fits the bill may surprise you but you will wake up every day grateful that he loves you, perfections and imperfections and all. 

My father has passed away. But I do not grieve for him as my dad. I am sorry that his life is now over; however, I know in recent months, he had turned to Christ and accepted him as his Lord and Savior. I pray that it was sincere and that he was welcomed into Jesus's arms. I also pray that it was a happy reunion with his mother who passed away last year. While I am not left with many happy memories, I am left with an understanding that the mistakes of the past do not dictate my future. They influence what I can do better. I am grateful I have a Heavenly Father who loves me unconditionally. I am grateful that he is listening to me and waiting to give me all I need. All I need to do is ask. I am grateful that He sent me a husband who is a godly husband and father. I am grateful that my daughters have a better relationship with their father than the one I had with mine. To those who have a father shaped hole in your life, God the Father wants to have that relationship with you. Come to him with an open heart, put your faith in Jesus and nothing can separate you from Him (Romans 8: 36--39).