Should Christians date to Marry?: Courtship, dating and my thoughts

The first time I heard the concept of courtship, I was in college and it was foreign to me. Courtship came to the national stage as a famous family burst into the homes of the world (and I do not need to name the family nor do I want to), many people, Christians and non-Christians, had opinions and questions. What is courtship? Courtship is the purposeful and intentional approach to finding a life partner rooted in Christian beliefs and values” (Evans Francis Organizations, 2023). A couple enter into a courtship agreement with the intention to marry at the end of the courtship. Courtship is supposed to set Christians apart from secular dating which may not have the ultimate goal of marriage. What are the biblical principles behind courtship? Why is courtship portrayed as an alternative to secular dating? What are my own thoughts on courtship? 

While the Bible is silent on exact courtship procedures, proponents use the examples of Ruth and Boaz, Jacob and Rachel, and Isaac and Rebekah as a guide. The biblical principles behind for Christian courtship can vary; however, here are a few common ones. First, the couple would seek God’s guidance and trust his timing. To pray for his wisdom, clarity and guidance for their relationship and ultimately their marriage. Proverbs 3:5-6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.” Second, the couple would seek to honor purity (1 Thessalonians 4:3-5). Clear physical and emotional boundaries are set. Sexual intimacy is saved for the covenant of marriage while other intimate contact, such as kissing, hand-holding and other contact may vary from couple to couple. Third, courtships usually involve the couple's families and older mentors. Families involvement can be seeking wisdom and guidance of trusted family members who can give valuable insights and accountability. Proverbs 15:22 says “plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisers they succeed.” 

Many proponents of courtship view the system as a better alternative to secular dating. For three reasons. First and foremost, the involvement of God. Courtship is a commitment to honor the Lord and his purpose in their lives (Psalm 9:10). The assumption is secular dating involves romantic interest with focus on immediate gratification with the desire Second, the intent. Christian courtship is grounded in the idea that dating should have a purpose. As mentioned before, proponents believe that dating should have the ultimate goal of finding a life partner, while claiming secular dating focuses on the present with no clear goal of long term commitment. “The nature of causal dating is usually to have fun with the responsibilities of commitment (Institute in Basic Life Principles). I highly disagree with this as many secular couples do dating with the goal of long term commitment. Does every relationship end in marriage? No and nor should they. And Christians are not “selfish, impulsive or immature” if they chose dating over courtship (Fielta, 2015). Third, physical boundaries are important in Christian courtship. Physical boundaries are set to maintain purity while secular dating can vary in terms of physical boundaries which are influenced by social norms. 
                                      

The rise of courtship came about in the late 1990s/early 2000s with the rise of purity culture. I don’t like the one size fits all approach that some churches propose because every relationship is different as each couple is different. Courtship isn’t a guarantee of a successful relationship. I knew couples who went through the courtship ritual and they were divorced within ten years. I wasn’t able to find exact statistics but one article reported that the divorce rate is high (Umstattd, 2014), which makes sense as the high involvement of fathers in the courtship continues after marriage which is direct violation of the leave and cleave principle (Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5). As a young adult in my 20s, I was very uncomfortable with the idea of courtship and I still am. My husband and I didn’t practice courtship; however, we did discuss certain boundaries and expectations continually. Healthy relationships are about making the most of our interactions with the opposite sex which leaves us with no regrets. The key is open communication about expectations and boundaries. We can still honor God in our dating relationships without adding all the extra rules and requirements. 

In conclusion, on its face, courtship seems to be a great dating process; however, courtship is not a right path for every Christian couple. While marriage is God ordained and blessed; however, not everyone is called to be married. Marriage and singleness are both gifts from God, each with its own purpose (1 Corinthians 7:7). To answer the ultimate question of courtship is should Christian date to marry? If marriage is your goal, then yes dating is the process which you discover if the other person is someone who you want to commit a lifetime to. Do you need to enter into a courtship? That is up to each individual couple. In my personal opinion, courtship is not necessary; however, if you feel you would struggle with physical intimacy boundaries and need the accountability, courtship might work for you. However, not all Christians need to follow this process. 

References

Evans Francis Organization (March 5, 2023). Biblical Principles for Christian Courtship. courtshiptomarriage.com/biblical-principles-for-christian-courtship/. Retrieved March 29, 2026. 

Fileta, Debra (March 1, 2015). 4 Reasons Christians Should Stop Pushing Courtship. True Love Dates. https://truelovedates.com/christians-should-stop-pushing-courtship/. Retrieved March 29, 2026. 

Institute in Basic Life Principles (no date). What is courtship? https://iblp.org/how-courtship-different-dating/. Retrieved March 29, 2026. 

Umstattd, Thomas (August 12, 2014). Why Courtship is Fundamentally Flawed. https://www.thomasumstattd.com/2014/08/courtship-fundamentally-flawed/. Retrieved March 29, 2026.