Bet on it: anxiety, love and bingo

Bet on it by Jodie Slaughter is a story of anxiety, and learning to love and trust again. Aja Owens is fairly new in Greenbelt, South Carolina. The small town offers a new life. What she doesn’t expect is to meet the man of her dreams in the middle of the Piggly Wiggly during a panic attack. Then she meets him again. This time he is introduced as Walker Abbott, the semi-estranged grandson of her favorite bingo buddy, Ms. May. There are only two good things about his hometown in Walker’s mind: the peach cobbler at a local diner and his grandmother. He forces himself back in town after a decade away to help his grandmother as she heals from a fall. His plan: stay a few weeks and he’ll leave this town behind once again. Except there’s a snag in that plan: Aja. Friendly banter leads to a bingo-based sex pact. A pact that was supposed to keep their budding relationship casual and temporary. What happens when casual and temporary becomes deeper and permanent? 

Bet on it is a wonderful story of personal growth, anxiety issues and two very broken people who find a way to each other and become whole again. The story is filled with hard hitting emotional issues which are realistic and intense. The book opens with Aja in the middle of a very public attack and my heart went out to her. I loved her courage to work on herself, to step outside her comfort zone despite her anxiety. As Walker opens up about his own issues, my heart went to him as well. These are two very broken people. One is actively trying to overcome her issues and the other prefers to run from them. I laughed. I cried. And I cheered as they find a way to overcome. I would warn that the language may be too vulgar for some readers. I feel it adds authenticity to the characters so it was tolerable for me. The sex scenes between Aja and Walker are intense and very steamy. Overall, I enjoyed Aja and Walker’s story. I recommend Bet on it. 

Bet on it is available in paperback, eBook, and audiobook

Selective Mutism: not just a form of shyness

Selective mutism is the inability to speak in certain situations. It usually occurs in children less than five years old; however, it is not usually noticed until a child starts school. It is often mistaken for shyness. For fans of The Big Bang Theory, selective mutism isn’t a new term. One of the main characters, Raj Koothrappali (played by Kunal Nayyar), suffered from selective mutism until he was able to overcome it at the end of season 6. My interest in selective mutism is much more personal than a character from a favorite TV show. My five year old daughter often won’t speak in social situations in which she is unfamiliar, is the center of attention or speak with adults whom are not active members of her life (i.e. my husband’s work acquaintances). So I’m curious if my daughter suffers from selective mutism and if so, what I can do to help her overcome this problem. In the course of my research, I see that selective mutism is rate. It affects less than one percent of individuals seen in mental health setting.

Causes of selective mutism can stem from an anxiety disorder, self-esteem issues or problems with speech, language and hearing. The symptoms of selective mutism includes a consistent failure to speak in specific social situations where there is an expectations for speaking. The failure to speak interferes with school, work or with social communication. The lack of speech lasts at least a month and the failure to speak is not due to a lack of knowledge of, or comfort with, the spoken language required in the social situation. For example, a non-Spanish speaker not speaking in a situation in which Spanish is being spoken is not selective mutism. The failure to speak is also not due to a communication disorder (i.e. stuttering) and does not occur exclusively during the course of autism spectrum disorders, schizophrenia or other psychotic disorders. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: Fifth (DSM-V, 2013), children with selective mutism may show anxiety disorders (i.e. social phobia), excessive shyness, fear of social embarrassment and social isolation and withdrawal. Children with selective mutism may also show signs of separation anxiety, frequent tantrums, moodiness, inflexibility, slow to warm up and sleep problems.

If selective mutism is suspected, parents are advised to first, remove all pressure and expectations for the child to speak. Pressuring a child to speak when they won’t, will only add to the anxiety the child is feeling. Second, convey to the child that the parents understand he or she is scared and it is hard to get the words out but Mommy and Daddy are there to help. Third, praise the child’s efforts and accomplishments when a child speaks when they normally wouldn’t. Also support and acknowledge the difficulties and frustrations when a child refuses to speak again. Fourth, if parents are really concerned, they need to speak with their family physician or pediatrician. Beware of doctors and “experts” who see selective mutism as controlling or manipulative behavior or the result of overprotective parents. This is not the case and seek out help from those who truly understand selective mutism.

The diagnosis of selective mutism is very detail and in depth. First, the child is examined by a Speech-Language Pathologist (SLP) as well as the child’s pediatrician and a psychologist or psychiatrist. A complete background is gathered starting with the child’s educational history. The educational history includes academic reports, parent/teacher comments, and any previous testing. A hearing screening is performed to rule out any hearing inability or a middle ear infection. An oral-motor examination is performed in which the coordination and strength of the muscles in the lips, jaws and tongue is tested. The parents/caregivers are interviewed for any suspected problems, environmental factors (i.e. language stimulation), and information about the child’s amount and location of verbal expression. A family history of psychiatric, personality and or physical problems could be attributed to the child’s selective mutism. The child’s speech and language development is examined to see how well the child express himself and understands others. Lastly, a speech and language evaluation will be done to determine the child’s expressive language. This is usually done with the SLP; however, if the child will not speak, a home video of the child speaking is acceptable. A language comprehension is taken in the form of standardized test as well as verbal and non-verbal communication (i.e. pretend play or artistic expressions).

If a child is diagnosed with selective mutism, what is the course of treatment? The SLP will create a behavioral treatment program which will focus on specific speech and language problems or social anxiety issues. First, stimulus fading involves the child in a relaxed situation with someone they talk to freely and a new person is gradually introduced into the room until the child is comfortable talking in front of and with each person. Second, shaping is a structured approach to reinforce all efforts by the child to communicate until audible speech is achieved. These efforts could include gestures, mouthing, or whispers. Third, self-modeling techniques have the child watch videos of himself or herself performing the desired behavior. Self-modeling is used to facilitate self-confidence and carry over behaviors into settings in which the mutism occurs.

I realize that my daughter may not have selective mutism and I have plenty I can do myself to help build her confidence to speak to those she may not be familiar with. I realize that my daughter is a chatterbox at home and in public with people within earshot but the moment she is the center of attention, she clams up. And it’s completely normal. I also realize that shyness is hereditary as I remember being unable to speak freely with people I did not know or even family members I saw often. The fear of saying the wrong thing or even saying it incorrectly, kept me from speaking. Selective mutism is a form of an anxiety disorder and with behavioral treatments, a child can overcome it. It is important to remember to not to pressure a child to speak when they are anxious.  Encourage but do not force. Help build the child’s confidence and he or she may surprise you and speak freely. If in doubt, speak with your child’s doctor for further help.

Resources

American Speech Language Hearing Association: http://www.asha.org/public/speech/disorders/SelectiveMutism/

Selective Mutism Center: http://www.selectivemutismcenter.org/aboutus/whatisselectivemutism

Short Story: The Shallow End

Today on the train, I couldn’t help listening in to this woman’s phone conservation. She seemed so tired and lost, I felt bad for eavesdropping but I was intrigued….

“How I am doing today? Let’s see. I feel like I’m in a room full of people and no one can hear me. I feel like I’m between a rock and a hard place. I feel that all my hard work is for nothing. I feel as if I’m drowning…”

“Oh, enough with the analogies. Ok, a simple sentence: I feel unappreciated. I feel pulled in different directions with no relief. I feel that all I do is give and I get nothing in return….”

“Home? The same. Get up, take care of my daughters, clean house, and shower, maybe read if I can get past a page or two and basically wait until my husband gets home where I cook dinner, clean up afterward. I’m expected to wait on him hand and foot because he quote ‘had a hard day.’ Do you know that I often dread when he has more than two days off? Yeah, I do. Because by the end of the second day, I wish that his boss would call him in just to get him out of my hair…” 

“He’s no help. I have to beg and make deals with him just to get him to give the kids a bath….”

“I have tried talking to him but he doesn’t understand and I don’t know how to help him understand. I know that he’s exhausted after working all week and he wants to rest but he doesn’t get that I don’t get a day off. I’m always on duty. Do you know how many times I have to get out of bed because they are calling for me or they’ve gotten out of bed and play with the toys? Some nights, too many to count. And when I do finally get to sleep, I get woken up by him, saying it’s time to get up. I look at the clock and I realize that I’ve only gotten a few hours of sleep. People will joke and say ‘that’s being a mom.’ Even when he is home, I’m expected to do everything. If my daughters get into something, I’ll get an attitude as if to say, ‘why weren’t you watching her?’ As if I’m the only one who is responsible for them. And if something happens, like they get sick and I’ll tell him what we need to do but he’ll ignore me and call one of his older sisters as if I don’t know what I’m talking about. You know what? About 99.9% of the time, they’ll tell him the exact thing I did…”

“I do love him. He’s usually very sweet and considerate. We get along very well. It’s just some days, he’ll come home with an attitude as if he is ‘Mr. Know-it-all’ and I don’t know what I’m talking about or I’ve been misinformed. That’s usually when I know he’s been talking to his older brother. My brother-in-law is the jack of all knowledge but a master of nothing. But he sure acts as if he has a Ph.D. in very topic under the sun…”

“No, I don’t expect perfection. I expect consideration that my opinions and comments are worth listening to and not dismissed because it contradicts what he’s been told by someone else…”

“My friends? Ha, that’s a joke. My friends don’t want to hear my problems because it would take away from their complaining. And when I do try to talk, I get a short ‘oh, that sucks. So my husband did….”

“I feel so isolated from everything and I know that life is happening outside our door. I can’t seem to enjoy it either it be money or fear or uncertainty. To sum up. You asked me how I’m feeling. Have you ever been in the pool where the deep end slopes up to the shallow end and you use your toes to keep your head above water until you can get your full footing? Well, that’s how I feel. I feel as if I’m forever in the shallow end trying to stay above water. Some days I do but most days I don’t. How do I stop from drowning in the shallow end?”

As I got up from my seat and passed her, I pressed a note in her hand that I had written. She looked at me in shocked but I just nodded and smiled and got off the train. I hoped she would find my words encouraging. I hoped she would realize that she’s not alone in her struggles. I simply wrote:

“Even diamonds have to go under a lot of pressure

before they emerge beautiful and priceless.

You are a diamond still under pressure.

Your time to shine is coming. ”