Emotional Intelligence: what is it and how it is important

Emotional Intelligence has been in my news feed a lot lately. Enough that it piqued my interest. What is emotional intelligence? Simply defined, emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, use, and manage one’s own emotions in positive ways in order to relieve stress, communicate effectively, empathize with others, to overcome challenges and defuse conflict. In essence, emotional intelligence is finding an emotional balance with better control of one’s self and better relationships with others. As I researched emotional intelligence, I looked at what it is, how one engages in emotional intelligence and what are the criticisms of emotional intelligence. 

According to Justin Bariso of Inc magazine, there are 10 simple rules that emotionally intelligent people follow (2022). I will highlight a few of these rules. First, the do-over rule. The do over rule is in which an emotionally intelligent person will look at his or her mistakes and figure out what failed and how to change it in order to have a second chance or “do over.” Second, the rule of resilience. This rule is about learning to deal with emotions that rise when one has failed repeatedly or faced with pressure or challenges. Emotionally intelligent people will deal with failure or pressure by taking breaks, acknowledging their feelings and focusing on what they can control. Lastly, the rule of decision making. Usually emotionally intelligent people will never make a major decision based on a temporary emotion. This is one I feel is what emotional intelligence truly is. Essentially, never make a decision at night, after a bad day or when tired or hungry and especially without time to think it over. Others have described emotional intelligence as when success is more about thinking through problems and challenges and less about routine and skills (Haden, 2022). 

The concept of emotional intelligence has been around since the 1950s as Abraham Maslow used the term emotional strength. The term itself was first used in 1964. However, it did not gain popularity until the 1990s when science journalist Daniel Goleman wrote about five key elements of self-awareness, self regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. The main criticism of emotional intelligence is that it is hard to measure and it has become a pop psychology term without scientific evidence behind it. Many critics have claimed that studies of emotional intelligence have failed scientifically because the developed tests for emotional intelligence rely on self-reporting rather than hard evidence. That is true of most psychological tests. It is not like a blood test when numbers are indicative of a disease or disorder. As a review of the studies on emotional intelligence, researchers Mayer, Roberts, and Barsade found that higher emotions intelligence scores seems to positively correlate with better social relations for children and adults as well as better academic achievement; however, they have stated that it is a relatively new field and more research is needed (2008). As with most psychological fields, more study is needed to better understand and develop better tools to test for and measure emotional intelligence. 

As people recognize and acknowledge their emotions and the why behind their emotions is key to emotional intelligence. In many different articles I have read in my research, it is thought that people with high emotional intelligence have greater mental health. Many of Goleman’s five key elements make sense: self-awareness, self-regulation and motivations seem self-explanatory. However, I was surprised that empathy was included. Empathy is the ability to see the world through another man’s eyes, to walk in his shoes and to feel his pain. Emotionally intelligent people have an easier time with empathy because they have been there. Essentially “empathy begets empathy” (Bariso, 2022). Many people have a hard time with empathy, not just feeling empathy but showing empathy. There are three types of empathy. First, cognitive empathy is when someone has the ability to understand how another person thinks and feels. Cognitive empathy is the simplest form of empathy. Second, emotional empathy is the ability to share the feelings of another person. Third, compassionate empathy is taking action to help in any way one can. This is the only empathy that is action based. It is the most challenging but the most rewarding (Bariso, 2022). 

In conclusion, researching emotional intelligence has been eye opening. I have seen my own growth as I have learned to acknowledge my emotions, not make major decisions or discuss deeper topics when overly emotional and remain fairly calm in times of crisis or stress. The concept of emotional intelligence makes sense as many successful people are successful in part because of their talents and skills but their ability to work through challenges and develop deeper relationships with people around them. Emotional intelligence shows us that we can feel our emotions and use them for deeper understanding of ourselves and those around us. 

References

Bariso, Justin (January 19, 2022). Emotionally Intelligent People Follow These 10 Simple Rules. Inc.https://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/emotional-intelligence-rules-boundaries-resilience-mental-health.html. Retrieved January 19, 2022. 

Bariso, Justin (January 25, 2022). After a Historic Game, Patrick Mahomes Desperately Wanted to Speak With One Person. It's a Lesson in Emotional Intelligence. Inc. https://www.inc.com/justin-bariso/patrick-mahomes-josh-allen-emotional-intelligence-how-to-show-empathy.html. Retrieved January 25, 2022. 

Haden, Jess (January 26, 2022). Emotionally Intelligent People Ask Themselves 6 Questions to Increase Their Odds of Success. Inc. https://www.inc.com/jeff-haden/emotionally-intelligence-success-achievement-life-goals-how-to-accomplish-goals-research.html. Retrieved January 26, 2022. 

Mayer, John & Roberts, Richard & Barsade, Sigal. (2008). Human Abilities: Emotional Intelligence. Annual review of psychology. 59. 507-36.

Being childlike vs being childish: what's the difference?

What is the difference between childlike and childish? Is it okay for an adult to be childlike but not okay to be childish? When I was researching this topic, I found that many people use the terms interchangeably. While both essentially mean the same thing: “resembling or suggesting a child,” each have very different connotations. For an adult, to be childlike is having the good qualities of a child: innocent wonder and curiosity, trusting, being unfeigned (genuine/sincere) or pure. While being childish is to act with the negative behaviors associated with a child: immaturity and puerile (silly/trivial) behaviors. What does it mean to be childlike? What does it mean to be childish? What are the benefits to be childlike?

Many Christians believe that the Bible calls believers to have a childlike faith. There is no verse which exact says this; however, there are a few verses which imply it but not in the way most Christians believe. Matthew 18:3-4 “And he said, ‘I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.’” In this situation, the disciples had become preoccupied with the organization of the ministry and lost sight of its divine purpose. Instead of focusing on their position of service, they were seeking positions of advantages. Jesus illustrates that we are to be childlike with humble and sincere hearts rather than childish and arguing over petty issues. Mark 10:14-15 is another verse which Jesus tells his disciples that a childlike attitude is needed. We need to trust God with a child simplicity and receptivity. I believe God calls us to trust him like a child would trust a loving parent. We are to mature in our faith, to learn more, to understand more but we need to retain that childlike trust.

To some, being like a child is to be childish. One of the most quoted verses for this idea is 1 Corinthians 13:11 in which Paul says “When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put away childish ways behind me.” Does Paul mean to stop enjoying things children enjoy like toys and movies? No, he doesn’t. What he is saying is that we need to stop doing childish things. We must leave behind childish manners and habits. Childish thoughts and reasonings are often weak, inconclusive, shortsighted and immature. Childish adults will often have severe emotional escalations like tantrums and pouting. They will place blame on others rather than themselves. They will lie to get out of trouble and can resort to name calling when they don’t get their way. Sometimes when we get hurt, it is easy to resort to being childish and lash out. However, it takes great control to respond with maturity. Unfortunately, there are individuals who do not possess that control and maturity especially when they feel attacked and unable to defend themselves. I see this immaturity in many of the political disagreements in the world today.

I see benefits to being childlike and enjoying things that children enjoy. First, as a parent, it can help me spend time with my daughters if I enjoy what they enjoy. If I watch and enjoy My Little Pony or any Disney film with my daughter, I can have conservations with her about what happened. I can help establish memories she can look back fondly on when she is grown up and has children of her own. Second, being able to enjoy childlike things is a way to destress and enjoy life. Getting lost in a Disney movie or a children’s adventure book allows adults to forget the cold, cruel world that awaits them. The escapism is important for our mental health. It is one of the reasons why I prefer to watch movies which entertain me rather than be thought provoking. While I enjoy thought provoking films, I need to be in the mental capacity to handle the topic. Life is hard enough, we need an escape every now and then. Third, it’s fun. Being able to let loose and be a kid again is very freeing. It allows us to laugh and be carefree.

In conclusion, being childlike is okay. We are called to have a childlike trust with God. even a benefit to us as we live this hard life. It can help us be better parents to our children, to escape the harshness of life and have fun. While it is easy to resort back to childish ways, it takes maturity to turn away from childish behaviors. We only get one life. I feel if someone gets enjoyment from childlike things, there is nothing wrong with it. It is when someone behave childish is when individuals create problems in their lives. So be childlike not childish.

Toxic People: who are they and how to deal with them

We’ve all dealt with them. Toxic people. These are people who derive satisfaction at the chaos around them and usually unaware of the negative impact they have on others. They usually create unnecessarily complex, stressful lives. They are masters of manipulation. Manipulation of people and situations to their advantage. They can be anyone in our lives: coworkers, bosses, family members, spouses, our children and even ourselves! What is toxic behavior? How do we recognize it? How do you deal with a toxic person who is a non-family member? How do we deal with a toxic person who is a family member? What do to if you are the toxic person?

Toxic behavior is “any word, deed or action which detracts from you being your best self or hinders others from becoming their best selves” (Lund). The difference between a toxic person and a non-toxic person is the approach, the how and manner they treat people. A toxic person will rarely accept responsibility for their actions or their own feelings. They will place blame on others. A toxic person tends to hold grudges and will withhold love as punishment for any wrongdoing in their eyes. They are emotional blackmailers who use fear or guilt to accomplish their purpose. Toxic people will often keep themselves or others from succeeding and they want the freedom to criticize anyone at any time. Toxic people often see themselves as having “special insights” because their “superior position, wisdom, knowledge, power or authority” (Lund). Toxicity in manner of degrees in magnitude and frequency. Toxic behaviors are seen in the daily lives of a toxic person.

There are three types of toxic behavior:

• ·         Situational toxicity in which when the person is faced with stress or an uncomfortable situation, he or she will be toxic.
• ·         Universal toxicity is when a person is toxic to everyone in all circumstances and lives in a world of constantly strained relationships. This type is that is most commonly thought of when discussing toxic people.
• ·         Selective toxicity is when a person is toxic toward certain people in certain situations. This type is more difficult to recognize due to the varied conditions.

The types of toxic people:

• ·         The Perfectionist whom you will never measure up to his or her standards.
• ·         The Control Freak who is actually hiding his or her insecurity through the control of others.
• ·         The Constant Criticizer who sees faults in anyone or anything.
• ·         The Abuser Mentality: “someone else made me do it.”
• ·         The Martyr: a person who substitutes sympathy and self-pity for happiness
• ·         The Victim: a person who complains, bemoans, gripes about his or her circumstances

Therefore, there are signs to look for if you suspect someone you know is a toxic person. Not all toxic people will display all of these signs. However, even a few is a good sign someone is toxic. The signs are:

• ·         He or she talks more than listens. They will often bring irrelevant details into a conversation in order to distract from the topic.
• ·         He or she is never wrong.
• ·         Drama seems to follow him or her everywhere
• ·         He or she seem to force or exaggerate relationships.
• ·         His or her experience is the standard in which everyone should live. Someone else’s actions will be judged based on his or her experience as if the situations are identical.
• ·         He or she will often lie usually as a means to an end.
• ·         He or she lack tact and general courtesy. Derogatory statements, brutal “honesty” and stark humor are often used.
• ·         He or she will often lack empathy toward others and have a need to assert superiority
• ·         He or she will control behavior by pressuring another person to act a certain way.
• ·         He or she will make you prove yourself by regularly putting you in a position between a commitment and them in a way you feel obligated to choose them.
• ·         He or she will be there in a crisis but will never ever share in your joy. They will also find reasons why your good news isn’t good at all.

You may read these and think “Yikes! I do some of that!” We all can behave in a toxic manner especially when we are hurt or angry. However, what makes a person toxic is constant set of behaviors. We will get to what you can do if you suspect that you are a toxic person.

Number one thing to remember when dealing with any toxic person is that no one can change a person who is unwilling to change. You cannot change or stop the toxic behavior. You can only arm and protect yourself against it. First, choose healthy responses to the toxic person. Self-preparation is the best defense against a toxic person. Focus on being your own well-being. Also realize that there is some good in the worst of us and always room for improvement in the best of us. Second, set boundaries to protect yourself. Boundaries are behavior limits that you would consider acceptable and unacceptable. It is important that you do not allow the person to cross that boundary if you deem the behavior unacceptable. If they do, follow through with the consequences of breaking a boundary. Be prepared to say enough’s enough. Third, share only to the level in which the toxic person is willing to share with you. If you feel you are the only one contributing to the relationship, you’re probably right.

When the toxic person is a family member, it can be more difficult to deal with the toxic behavior; however, it can be done. First, remember that the loved one is not a bad person; however, it doesn’t mean they are the right person to be spending a lot of time with. Second, learn to recognize cleverly hidden passive aggression. A toxic person with act with non-verbal aggression in negative ways. Instead of telling you that they are upset, they will take jabs at you until you are the one who explodes. Third, learn to recognize their bullying behavior and prepare yourself to fight back. It is sad to think but some of the biggest bullies in our lives are toxic family members. Fourth, do not pretend that the toxic behavior is ok and if the behavior becomes physical, it needs to be addressed. Fifth, try not to take the toxic behavior personally, although it can be very difficult to do so. Lastly and most importantly, do not neglect yourself. Practice self-care every day especially when you have to deal with a toxic person on a daily basis. Have a safe place you can go to be alone to pray, mediate, exercise, anything which can help you relax.

When the toxic person is you, there are four steps to change. First, recognition and becoming aware of the toxic behavior you engage in. Most often than not, admitting you are toxic and desire to change is half the battle. Second, motivation to change. Toxic behaviors will not just disappear, they need to be replaced with healthier ones. Third, the acquisition of positive communication skills. Recognize the three ways we communicate with each other: facial expression and body language, tone of voice, and your choice of words. Communication skills also is learning how to keep the three messages in congruence or matching. Mixed messages create a difficult time interpreting the meaning of your message. For example, someone asks you to do something you really don’t want to do. So you frown, sigh and says “Yes, I’ll do that.” What is the real message? Does the person pay attention to your body language or your tone of voice or your words? Lastly, application of non-toxic behaviors in replace of the old toxic ones. Work hard to avoid toxic behaviors, however, you do not beat yourself up when you slip up. Allow yourself to learn from those mistakes, take note of what to pay attention to in the future, apologize for the behavior and move forward.

In conclusion, the way we approach our weaknesses and the weaknesses of others is at the heart of a healthy person versus an unhealthy person. The means in which you address shortcomings is what defines toxic versus nontoxic behaviors. It is important to not become a toxic person yourself in order to deal with a toxic behavior. Fighting fire with fire only causes more damage. People can change; however, sometimes all you can do is let go and protect yourself against the burbs of a toxic person. Sometimes the most loving thing to do is stay as far away as possible. The level of involvement depends on your ability to protect yourself from the toxic behavior. If it’s too difficult to do so, it’s best to stay away from that relationship on any deeper level. Toxic behavior is a big topic and I apologize if this post seems overwhelming or too simplified. I highly recommend reading How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities by Dr. John Lewis Lund. He provides great insights and information, many I have shared but he goes into greater detail than I can.

How to Hug a Porcupine: Dealing with Toxic and Difficult to Love Personalities

is available on Amazon in paperback and on the Kindle

Selective Mutism: not just a form of shyness

Selective mutism is the inability to speak in certain situations. It usually occurs in children less than five years old; however, it is not usually noticed until a child starts school. It is often mistaken for shyness. For fans of The Big Bang Theory, selective mutism isn’t a new term. One of the main characters, Raj Koothrappali (played by Kunal Nayyar), suffered from selective mutism until he was able to overcome it at the end of season 6. My interest in selective mutism is much more personal than a character from a favorite TV show. My five year old daughter often won’t speak in social situations in which she is unfamiliar, is the center of attention or speak with adults whom are not active members of her life (i.e. my husband’s work acquaintances). So I’m curious if my daughter suffers from selective mutism and if so, what I can do to help her overcome this problem. In the course of my research, I see that selective mutism is rate. It affects less than one percent of individuals seen in mental health setting.

Causes of selective mutism can stem from an anxiety disorder, self-esteem issues or problems with speech, language and hearing. The symptoms of selective mutism includes a consistent failure to speak in specific social situations where there is an expectations for speaking. The failure to speak interferes with school, work or with social communication. The lack of speech lasts at least a month and the failure to speak is not due to a lack of knowledge of, or comfort with, the spoken language required in the social situation. For example, a non-Spanish speaker not speaking in a situation in which Spanish is being spoken is not selective mutism. The failure to speak is also not due to a communication disorder (i.e. stuttering) and does not occur exclusively during the course of autism spectrum disorders, schizophrenia or other psychotic disorders. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: Fifth (DSM-V, 2013), children with selective mutism may show anxiety disorders (i.e. social phobia), excessive shyness, fear of social embarrassment and social isolation and withdrawal. Children with selective mutism may also show signs of separation anxiety, frequent tantrums, moodiness, inflexibility, slow to warm up and sleep problems.

If selective mutism is suspected, parents are advised to first, remove all pressure and expectations for the child to speak. Pressuring a child to speak when they won’t, will only add to the anxiety the child is feeling. Second, convey to the child that the parents understand he or she is scared and it is hard to get the words out but Mommy and Daddy are there to help. Third, praise the child’s efforts and accomplishments when a child speaks when they normally wouldn’t. Also support and acknowledge the difficulties and frustrations when a child refuses to speak again. Fourth, if parents are really concerned, they need to speak with their family physician or pediatrician. Beware of doctors and “experts” who see selective mutism as controlling or manipulative behavior or the result of overprotective parents. This is not the case and seek out help from those who truly understand selective mutism.

The diagnosis of selective mutism is very detail and in depth. First, the child is examined by a Speech-Language Pathologist (SLP) as well as the child’s pediatrician and a psychologist or psychiatrist. A complete background is gathered starting with the child’s educational history. The educational history includes academic reports, parent/teacher comments, and any previous testing. A hearing screening is performed to rule out any hearing inability or a middle ear infection. An oral-motor examination is performed in which the coordination and strength of the muscles in the lips, jaws and tongue is tested. The parents/caregivers are interviewed for any suspected problems, environmental factors (i.e. language stimulation), and information about the child’s amount and location of verbal expression. A family history of psychiatric, personality and or physical problems could be attributed to the child’s selective mutism. The child’s speech and language development is examined to see how well the child express himself and understands others. Lastly, a speech and language evaluation will be done to determine the child’s expressive language. This is usually done with the SLP; however, if the child will not speak, a home video of the child speaking is acceptable. A language comprehension is taken in the form of standardized test as well as verbal and non-verbal communication (i.e. pretend play or artistic expressions).

If a child is diagnosed with selective mutism, what is the course of treatment? The SLP will create a behavioral treatment program which will focus on specific speech and language problems or social anxiety issues. First, stimulus fading involves the child in a relaxed situation with someone they talk to freely and a new person is gradually introduced into the room until the child is comfortable talking in front of and with each person. Second, shaping is a structured approach to reinforce all efforts by the child to communicate until audible speech is achieved. These efforts could include gestures, mouthing, or whispers. Third, self-modeling techniques have the child watch videos of himself or herself performing the desired behavior. Self-modeling is used to facilitate self-confidence and carry over behaviors into settings in which the mutism occurs.

I realize that my daughter may not have selective mutism and I have plenty I can do myself to help build her confidence to speak to those she may not be familiar with. I realize that my daughter is a chatterbox at home and in public with people within earshot but the moment she is the center of attention, she clams up. And it’s completely normal. I also realize that shyness is hereditary as I remember being unable to speak freely with people I did not know or even family members I saw often. The fear of saying the wrong thing or even saying it incorrectly, kept me from speaking. Selective mutism is a form of an anxiety disorder and with behavioral treatments, a child can overcome it. It is important to remember to not to pressure a child to speak when they are anxious.  Encourage but do not force. Help build the child’s confidence and he or she may surprise you and speak freely. If in doubt, speak with your child’s doctor for further help.

Resources

American Speech Language Hearing Association: http://www.asha.org/public/speech/disorders/SelectiveMutism/

Selective Mutism Center: http://www.selectivemutismcenter.org/aboutus/whatisselectivemutism