Thoughts that have been on my mind and heart with recent events

I had something completely different topic set for this month’s bible study; however given recent events and the anniversaries of Charlie Kirk’s death and 9/11, I feel I need to talk about something that has been on my mind and heart for a while. It is not that I am afraid of the future because I know who holds the future; it is a conflict between what my head knows and what my heart feels. I often turn to prayer for peace of mind and remind myself that Jesus said, “do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself” (Matthew 6:34). However, every now and then, the events of the world weigh on my mind and heart more than usual. I wonder if I have studied the Bible well enough. I have taught my children enough, preparing them for the world they will see outside our door. How do I discuss topics with someone who will argue for the sake of arguing? Who argues with feelings and refuses to listen to facts? These thoughts and questions flooded my mind more recently as I reflected on the anniversaries of this month. 

The amount of hatred and mockery of Christianity on social media has seriously hurt my heart. While I am not surprised as Jesus said in John 15:18, “If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first,” it still hurts. As I have seen the redemptive and transformative power of belief in Jesus Christ can bring to someone and in my own life, I have seen His work in my daily life that it is undeniable to me. Someone denying Christ is not surprising but the venom I see online toward God, Jesus and those who believe in Him, I fear, has turned my heart cold to them. Especially online, I usually roll my eyes and move on without trying to correct them. And I hate that I feel this way. However, without realizing it, as I write this God was listening and recently He put in front of me reminders. Yes, as believers, we are called to share the gospel; however, in Matthew 7:6, Jesus said, “Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.” Meaning? It is useless to try to teach holy concepts to people who don’t want to listen and will only tear apart what we say. If someone comes to me with genuine questions, I have answers and the willingness to look up the answers if I don’t. However, if someone were to come to me with questions in order to belittle me or to attempt to break my faith, I will not entertain such a person.

In the year since Charlie Kirk’s death, I have seen clips of his meetings with skeptics and doubters, and while I was not a fan before his death, I now admire his resolve to bring the truth to as many people as possible. And I am humbled at his passion and resolve. I know I could never be as articulate or knowledgeable as he was, but I hope that I could stand on my faith and the truth as he did. It sickened me as I saw people celebrate his death and still celebrated as the anniversary arrived. There are people in the world I dislike or even despise; however, I would l never celebrate them being sick, ill or even their death. I may not have much sympathy or have no feelings either way for their circumstances; but it feels so wrong and evil to celebrate. While God told us that good would be called evil and evil good, He also proclaimed trouble to those who would do so (Isaiah 5:20), I still struggle with the deep sadness, anger and disgust I feel when I see people celebrating evil. I know Charlie Kirk was aware of the target he put on himself when he chose to stand up, speak out and try to educate others about the lies they have been told. And Christians should also be aware that there is also a target on us as well. Maybe the threat isn’t as strong as Charlie Kirk faced but the day will come when we won’t be able to be as free to worship as we, especially in America, have been. 

I have been a believer for over 30 years and sometimes I still struggle with and feel powerless in the state of the world today. At these moments, I turn to God, to His word and yet, I feel what can little old me do? I am nobody in a world of billions of people. While I know I am somebody to my Lord, to my husband, to my daughters, and my loved ones, I feel like a faceless, powerless nobody. Why would anyone care what I had to say? So I often stay silent and I hate myself when I do. Even as I do these monthly bible studies, I do them for myself and write about what I have learned and post them. I know people read them but do they have any impact in their lives? Does it even matter that I post these at all? As I said at the start, recent events have lit a fire, so to speak, that I want to be different. I want to be prepared to meet any enemy and be prepared to stand up for my faith, even if it means my death. Death?!? Someone might exclaim. Yes, given the state of the world right now and the growing battle against Christ and believers, I believe the day will come when we might be faced with that question and I hope I will be able to say “Yes, I believe in Christ” and lose my life in the process. Because Jesus said that “whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it” (Matthew 16:25, Mark 8:35). 

In conclusion, I set out to write this blog as an honest disclosure of what I have been feeling and thinking recently. As I started writing this blog, my mind was heavy and as I took a few days to further reflect and came back to writing it, I remember that my struggle is with understanding, an understanding that is beyond me. It is an understanding that God, in his wisdom, is telling me his grace is sufficient (2 Corinthians 12:9). I am reminded of the book of Philippians, which is one of my favorite books of the Bible. It is a book of hope which seems odd as Paul wrote it while in prison. In Philippians 4, Paul writes to rejoice in the Lord (verse 4) and to not be anxious about anything and to turn to God with our worries in prayer and petition (verse 6). I may not be able to completely battle the mockery of my faith online or understand the celebration of evil, however, I will commit myself to further and deeper study of the Bible and find peace in Jesus Christ.