Parenting: an important job and responsibility

Raising a child is a very important responsibility. Parents are very important figures in a child’s development. Not just physically so they grow up healthy; but also, mentally and emotionally so they grow up to be mature and responsible adults who pass on the same lessons to future generations. Parents shape the future with every action, reaction or even inaction. The decision to have children should not be made lightly as it is a huge life altering event in your life. The Bible has a lot to say about parents and child. Discipline is an important part of parenting and often the most controversial. What exactly does the Bible say about discipline? What are my thoughts on parenting? Should everyone become parents?

Parents shape the future. Parents shape the world’s future by the way they shape their children’s values. When you show and teach your children to love and cherish the people in their lives, to help those in need and live responsibly and rightly, children will grow up to do the same. We need to steer children toward Christ by our example, our words and our acts of kindness. However, on the flip side, if you teach your child it is okay to cheat, lie and even hurt those around them, they will repeat those actions. In Genesis 26:7-11, Isaac lied about Rebekah being his sister just like his father, Abraham, lied and presented his wife, Sarah, as his sister. Not just once but twice (Genesis 12:10-14 and 20:1-4)! Our actions affect our children. Exodus 34:7 states that the punishment of sins will affect the third and fourth generations. This means that the consequences of sins will be felt and spread to future generations. When parents teach the sins of greed, selfishness and other destructive behaviors, the cycle continues into future generations. Parents are responsible to teach their children about God, teaching His Word. We are to teach them about God in everything we do and everywhere you go. Psalm 22:30-31 says “Posterity will serve him; future generations will be told about the Lord. They will proclaim his righteousness to a people yet unborn-for he has done it.” If we want our children to know the Lord, we must teach them. We cannot leave it to the church, and Sunday school teachers. Just like with their education in school, everything starts and continues with parents. Church, Sunday school teachers and education teachers are only added to the team to instruct children; however, parents are the first and most important teachers.

Parenting is an awesome and scary responsibility. Discipline is an important responsibility in parenting as it is used to mold and shape our children. It is also one of the most difficult tasks to do and follow through. The Bible has a great example: King David. 2 Samuel 14:33 demonstrates David’s halfhearted approach to parenting led to sad situations. David didn’t punish Ammon for his sin against Tamar nor did he decisively deal with Absalom’s murder of Ammon. This indecision would lead to David’s undoing and turmoil in the kingdom following his reign. However, some parents take it to extreme and are too strict that they stifle their children. Many people quote Proverbs 13: 24 “He who spares the rod hates his son” to justify corporal punishment. However, they forget or ignore the second part, “but he who loves him is careful to disciple him.” Parents need to exercise their authority with caution and grace. Actions speak louder than words. Children learn values, morals, and priorities by observing how their parents act and react every day. The “Do as I say and not as I do” cliché doesn’t work. They cannot and should not be beaten into behaving. Sometimes, despite our best effort, our children will choose the wrong path. For example, in 1 Samuel 8:1-3, As an old man, Samuel appointed his sons as judges; however, these men were corrupt and did not serve as their father did. The Bible does not tell us if it was Samuel’s parenting that led to the men’s corrupt behaviors. However, it is an example to us parents, that when your children are grown, we must realize that our control and influence over them can dwindle. All we can do is pray that they return to God and the path we tried to teach them.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have always dreamed of having children. I dreamed of my children and even had their names picked out before I even close to being married. My journey to motherhood has been a rocky one and despite my desires to be a mother, I was not prepared for the demands a child has on you physically, emotionally and mentally. However, I learned quickly, and I take my job as a mother very seriously. I’m lucky that I have a husband who is equally committed to his job as a father that we are often on the same page when it comes to the demands of parenthood. Even though I grew up around babies and young children and my husband was even used to being around young children, it is very different when it’s your own child. You find yourself filling with doubt at every decision. Breastfeeding or formula? Vaccinations or not? This diaper or that one? Is the baby too warm? Too cold? Preschool or not? Is my child ready for school? Will she fall behind? Am I doing enough to prepare her for the challenges she will face in the future? Parenting is more than just putting food on the table, providing clothes and shoes. When people think of children, they think of the physical provisions. How many of you had a parenting class in high school when you carried around a sack of flour or the doll that cried like a real baby? What did it teach you? It taught you the physical demands of a child. But people often forget or are unprepared for the emotional and psychological needs of a child. This is where the high school programs fail too. Parenting is also being there when the child needs encouragement, instruction and celebration. It is taking an interest in what your child likes and helping her understand why something is inappropriate.

When I was searching for images to include in this post, I came across a quote from Jessica Valenti, an American feminist, from her book, Why Have Kids?: A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness (2012). She says, “The cultural insistence that parenting is the ‘most important’ job in the world is a smart way to satiate unappreciated women without doing a damn thing for them.” At first, I was angry at this quote. Parenting is a very important job in the world! However, as I thought about it, I realized that she is right. The key word is “most.” While parenting is an important job, it is not the only job a woman can do. All jobs are important in our world, no one job is more important than another. I also realize that when most people think of parents, an image of a mother flashes in their minds. How many products are marketed to women as the parental decision makers? “Choosy moms choose Jif?” Diaper commercials? The Luvs marketing campaign comes to mind. Fathers are often pushed aside when it comes to parenting. And while most fathers gladly take a sideline to raising their children, there are a growing number of men who realize their role as parents and are fighting against the tradition. Raising children is not just the job of the mother. It was designed to be a job for two people. While there are times, I am the main one in charge of certain tasks, for the most part, my husband and I are truly parenting partners. I may make it sound too perfect and I don’t mean to. There are days when I get frustrated and overwhelmed. I’ve learned that I need to say, “hey I need your help!” That is a lesson many mothers need to learn. Asking for help doesn’t mean you are a bad mother. It helps your children learn that it is okay to ask for and receive help when it is needed.

In conclusion, parents are the first important people in a child’s life. They are the first people they looked to for help, guidance, love and comfort. It is an immense responsibility. Everything we do affects our children which is why it is important to be diligent and informed. Parenting is an important job in your life. It is not the only or most important job. Not everyone is destined to be parents and if you don’t think you can meet the demands and challenges that children bring to your life, then you probably aren’t ready for children. It’s okay. I know people who have chosen not to have children, few have regretted that decision while others to not. When deciding to have children, please listen to your heart. Don’t let the opinions of others decide for you.

Achtung Baby: an American woman's experience with German parenting and education

Achtung Baby by Sara Zaske is a memoir of sorts as she recounts her parenting experience while living abroad in Germany. She describes the cultural shock and barriers as she begins her life in Germany and a young mother of a toddler. Ms. Zaske discusses the American view and attitudes of the German people and discovers it’s all wrong. She also discusses the strengths in the German parenting styles and their educational system and compares the weaknesses of the American parenting styles and its educational system. She covers the topics of the attachment theory which American parenting advice books seem to give great importance to early education in play rather than instruction. The German educational system is designed to let the children have an active role in what they learn and how they learn. The children learn from the very beginning with hands on experience. Is there anything Americans can learn from German parents?

Achtung Baby is an interesting read as I discovered the German educational system and how the parenting styles emphasizes teaching self-reliance and independence in their children almost from the very beginning. Ms. Zaske asks that American take a hard look as to why “we” don’t. While I disagreed with some of her assertions about American parenting, you cannot argue with the fact that something needs to change in American parenting. Ms. Zaske had excellent points. She points out that Americans have the attitude of “work is life.” This attitude is that you are defined by what you do for a living and it’s so true. I also found myself realizing that I do do some of the things that German parents do for their children in order to instill confidence and independence in their children. I found Achtung Baby fascinating and I recommend it for all parents as well as those who are becoming parents.

Achtung Baby

will be available January 2, 2018

in hardcover and eBook

Children are not an accessory

Hello everyone!

This is a letter to parents and non-parents. It is a letter of my thoughts and concerns about a recent trend I see in articles where people are complaining about parenthood. As a woman who struggles with pregnancy issues, I am deeply hurt by this and here’s why.

First, I would like to speak directly to parents. Over the last couple weeks, I’ve read a few articles in which mothers, specifically, are stating that they do not like their child because the child isn’t living up to the expectations she had for him or her. One particular article was about a mother who didn’t connect with her child because something was wrong and she didn’t know what. However, this mentality, to me, is simply wrong. A child is a unique human being. Unique in every way. He or she is not your mini-me, although some children mimic one or both parents. A child is not your carbon copy. He or she is half of you. He or she isn’t always going to like what you like or want to do what you want to do. I do not know what it is like to raise a child with special needs or challenges. And I applaud the parents who take the challenge and love the child as they are. I have never heard a parent of a child with special needs claim they could not love their child because of these challenges.

My daughter is 5 years old and is growing in her independence and I enjoy watching her make her own decision and, despite the craziness in my eyes, she goes with her choices. She’s sassy and sometimes talks back. She can be frustrating and obstinate but she is learning to create her own boundaries and limits. Yes, she likes to read like I do; however, I recognize that she might not want to read the same books I did at her age. She may discover her own childhood favorites. She likes some of the same things her father and I do; however, we did not force them on her. We introduced them to her and allowed her to grow to love them as we do. We realize that it could have gone the other way and she could have hated everything that we love.

Bottom line is you need to love your child for the unique human being that he or she is. Help them grow into the person that God has intended them to be. Introduce them to the wide world out there and let grow into the adults which will take over once we are old and gone. They may like what you like but if they don’t or they want to try new and different things, let them. You may discover you have the next great artist or musician or athlete on your hands. Something you won’t discover until you let them try and be who they are.

Second, I want to speak to the people considering having children. Some people, like me, have always known they wanted kids. I grew up around kids. I’ve been changing diapers and generally taking care of children since I was 10 years old. I’ve watched as my aunts and uncles interacting with their children. I’ve seen the good times and I’ve seen the stern disciplines and lectures. I knew parenting would be difficult but rewarding too. When I read an article in which a mother regretted having her children, my heart broke for her children. As a woman who has struggled, and continues to struggle, having children, it angers me to hear that a woman regrets having her children. A child should never be a regret. Yes, parenting is hard and it’s exhausting. You learn to live on little sleep because your baby is teething and can’t sleep and he or she is in pain. You learn to sleep in uncomfortable positions because your little one has had a nightmare and she has crawled into bed with you.

Right now, my husband and I are struggling to get our daughter to sleep in her own bed. She is afraid of the dark and she’s afraid that someone will come into her room while she’s asleep. Where her room is, she can hear people walk across the walkway to their apartments and it can be very noisy. It’s frustrating that she won’t lay down and go to sleep. But when she crawls into our bed and she curls up next to me with her head on my shoulder, I hold her tight as I cherish that she still wants to be next to me. I know one day she’ll be able to sleep on her own and I will still encourage her to do so. However, I will welcome the chance to hold her tight when I can.

Bottom line, if you are considering having children, think long and hard about how life will change with children. Nothing can really prepare you for kids. Babysitting someone else’s kids will give you a glimpse because all children will act and behave differently even within the same family. Some babies are a joy to be around and others are clingy and cry nonstop. If you are not willing to put someone else’s needs in front of your own wants and desires, then you need to put off having children until you feel you can do that. Because that little child depends on you for everything and you need to be prepare to do so.

Some people will say that life changes the moment a child is born. I say it’s the instant the test turns positive, life isn’t about you anymore. You need to be concerned with the developing person inside a woman’s body. Once that baby is born, you need to be able to put his or her needs in front of your own and learn to recognize the uniqueness of this new person in our world. For some people, parenting comes easy and for others it’s a challenge. Whatever category you may fall into, seriously consider what it means to be a parent and decide if it’s something you want or can do. I encourage many people to have children. Despite the frustration and sleepless nights, children are blessings. However, I recognize that parenting may not be for everyone. Please consider everything before having children: the good, the bad and the ugly. You may realize that having children isn’t for you or you will better prepare yourself for the ups and downs ahead.

Thank you for listening. I wish you all the best. 

Behave: a story of an unsung pioneer in behavioral psychology

Behave by Andromeda Romano-Lax is a fictionalized story of an unsung figure in early American psychological fields, Rosalie Rayner Watson. She was a part of the famous and controversial “Little Albert” study at John Hopkins by Dr. John B. Watson.

The story opens with Rosalie as a student at Vassar College 1916 where she is taking classes from Dr. Margaret Washburn, the first female to receive a Ph.D. in psychology. In 1919, she attends a lecture where she would meet Dr. Watson which would lead her on a path to working with him at John Hopkins. She becomes a part of his study on babies in early environment and basic emotions: fear, rage, love. Soon, the attraction between the two is evident. Their love affair would lead to scandal and their marriage would lead to some of his greatest successes. As they married and had children, would she agree with his psychological theories and parenting style?

When I started this book, I didn’t recognize the names until I got to the part of the little Albert study. I realized that the name John b. Watson sounded awfully familiar. I stopped reading briefly to look up the name and, of course, it’s familiar. As a psychology student who studied early childhood development, the Little Albert study was covered prominently. Then I returned to the book with eagerness. Eager to learn more about the woman who helped in the study, who would become his wife and the life she would lead. It was interesting to see more, albeit fictionalized, version of some of the pioneers in American psychology. It is an excellent view into the life of a woman who, even in life, remains in the shadows of the psychology field but whose contributions are still studied today. I highly recommend Behave.