The Beauty of Rain: finding new life and purpose after a tragic loss

The Beauty of Rain by Jamie Beck is a story of loss, grief and finding a greater purpose in life. Winning the lottery had changed Amy Walsh’s life but not in the ways we all dream of. After a tragic accident, she struggles to find joy, purpose and a reason to keep living. She vows to never spend a single cent on herself. Kristin DeMarco is Amy’s older sister and worried about her wellbeing. Amy stays with Kristin and her family while she recovers. However, the arrangement leads to trouble as her attention is divided leaving less time for her career, her husband, and her kids. As Amy decides it is time to live on her own, Kristin worries about their futures. Can Kristin learn that her time with her family is her most valuable asset? Can they learn that with life’s unpredictability, the importance of love, resilience and living in the now? 

The Beauty of Rain is an emotionally powerful story of two sisters who must learn the beauty in the tragic moments and painful truths about life, love and family. I highly anticipated this story as I have heard Ms Beck speak about her inspiration. Told between Amy and Kristin’s alternating points of view, the story exposes the struggles and the pains they try to hide. With relatable faults, flaws and admirable qualities, every character felt real and their pain hits home. I recommend bringing tissues. There are moments I teared up and there are moments I openly cried. As I closed the final chapter, there was a smile through the tears. The Beauty of Rain reminded me of a 1990s song that I won’t reveal as it could give hints to the ending of the story and I hate to spoil it for future readers. I highly, highly recommend The Beauty of Rain. 

The Beauty of Rain is available in paperback, eBook, and audiobook

November is Family Stories Month

 November is Family Stories Month. There is a great line in Hamilton (2015) which relates to family stories and histories. Aaron Burr sings “And when you're gone, who remembers your name? /Who keeps your flame? /Who tells your story?” With the rise of DNA testing and ancestry searches, people are searching for their roots. Where did we come from? And the need for family stories is growing. Many people learn amazing stories from their ancestors. These discoveries often pull us closer to history than ever before. Why are family stories important to us? What are ways we can celebrate Family Stories Month? Any time family gathers together is a great chance to take an opportunity to share those stories. I will write about one of my favorite family stories.

Family stories are important, and it is sad that many families no longer share those stories. Family stories can bring history alive. Talking with and sharing the stories of family members who served in the military. I have always loved learning about the events of World War II because both my grandfathers served during the war. My paternal grandfather served in Europe and my maternal grandfather served in the Pacific on an aircraft carrier. Learning about the different battles came alive as I imagined my grandfathers as young men, engaged in these battles. Family stories also can help boost our identity. These stories connect our families to history as they experienced it. They highlight family characteristics such as a sense of adventures, courage, and creativity as we learn who are ancestors were and what they did in their life in the historical events in which they lived. Family stories also strengthens connections between generations. The more we know about our family history, the stronger our sense of control over our lives and the higher their self-esteem. When I learned what my grandparents survived and thrived, it gives me confidence that my chances of surviving and thriving are good too because I descend from them.

There are countless ways to celebrate Family Stories Month. There is no wrong way to tell these stories. Here are a few ideas to get started. First, go through old photos and ask questions about the people in the pictures. Any anecdotes of adventures, travel, and romance. Are there any humorous stories? Stories about an epic historical event? Can you incorporate music, TV shows or movies in your stories? Second, stories about childhood are always great topics. My husband likes to tell the stories of him and his best friend playing video games at a local liquor store. They would pump gas for people to get money for those arcade games. Third, discover if there is a special story behind a family recipe or dinner tradition. Lastly, talk about fun facts about each other especially if you have kids. For example, the wild storm that was going on when he or she was born. Or a funny thing they used to do or say. For example, my oldest daughter used to say “tortilla” when she was hungry. It didn’t matter what we were eating, she was would say “tortilla” when asked if she was hungry.

One of my family stories is how my maternal grandparents met and fell in love. My grandfather grew up in Boston, Massachusetts. His best friend was a young man named John. After the Attack on Pearl Harbor, both answered the call to serve their country. My grandfather went into the Navy while John went into the Marines. My grandmother grew in Oklahoma and during the depths of the Great Depression, her parents packed up their family and moved to Los Angeles, California. John eventually met my grandmother in LA. I’m not sure how they met and when, but they began to date. On February 23, 1945, John was killed on Iwo Jima. My grandfather’s ship docked in San Pedro, CA when he heard the news of his friend’s death. After leaving the service, he sought out my grandmother to tell her the news, which she had already knew. My grandfather headed back home to Boston, only to return to LA and propose to my grandmother. They were married on May 11, 1946. When my grandfather died in 1996, they were married for 50 years, they had 12 children and 29 grandchildren. At the time I write this, there are currently 32 great-grandchildren.

In conclusion, no story is insignificant. Even if there is no great warrior story or participation in an historical event, members of our family lived through these events and we need to hear their memories, their thoughts, their feelings about the time and situations. As I’ve learned about my family history and the people who came before me, I developed a closeness to them. They become more than just names on a family tree. They become as a real as the historical figures we learn about in school. I strongly urge everyone to tell their family stories, to write them down and preserve them for future generations so that our voices, our stories can be taught to our descendants so that we become more than just a name on a family tree to them too.

October is National Family Sexuality Education Month

October is National Family Sexuality Education Month. Created by Dr Sol Gordon in 1975 at the Institute of Family Research and Education. The purpose is to promote family education and communication about sex and sexuality. Many parents avoid talking openly about sex with their children for various reasons including embarrassment and being unsure how and when to begin. The absence of open conversations with their parents leaves children vulnerable to misinformation and unrealistic messages portrayed in music, movies, television, and advertising. What is the important of family sex education? What are some tips to get started? What tools are available to parents?

Education begins in the home with parents. Conversation are important as children and teens are more likely to base their sexual decisions on their parents than their friends (Berger, Shafer, & Williams, 2019). It is important to start early too. With preschoolers, it is important to teach consent and empower children to say no and talk with an adult when they don’t like the physical contact or situations with other children or adults. Growing Up Knowing, an organization based in Jackson, Mississippi, hosts sex education sessions for preschoolers, elementary schoolers and middle schoolers with their parents and caregivers. By learning together about sexual health, parents and children can have further discussions about tougher topics such as preventing sexual assault, the consequences of risky behaviors and how to protect one self. Being able to discuss the awkward and embarrassing topics with your children, keeps the lines of communication open for other tough topics. “If open communication is normal, kids are more likely to speak with parents about all the other trials of adolescence, such as anxiety, depression, relationships, and the use of drugs and alcohol, as well as sexual issues” (Staff, 2019).

The number one tip for parents is to prepare yourself. Before your child can ask the questions, read the books, get the information and be ready to answer the questions for any age. Getting the information for yourself first, you can avoid using scary language in which would frighten children from asking questions in the future. Second, keep your answers age appropriate. A preschooler who asks where babies come from doesn’t need the full scientific details. Give just enough information to satisfy their curiosity for the time being. You can be more accurate as they get older. Also avoid using slang for body parts, it just makes it harder to use the correct terms later. Using the correct terms early helps build self-esteem and strengthens communication between parents and their children. Third, keep the message positive. teach children to appreciate their own bodies and to respect the personal space of others. Lastly and most importantly, reassure your child that no question is forbidden. Keep the communication open so when they hare older, your child is comfortable coming to you with the harder questions and difficult discussions.

I recommend God’s Design for Sex series by Stan Jones and Brenna Jones. It is a series of four books, each book covers the basic information needed for a certain age group. Book 1 The Story of Me (ages 3-5), Book 2. Before I was Born (ages 5-8), Book 3, What’s the Big Deal? Why God Cares about Sex (ages 8-11), and Book 4, Facing the Facts: The Truth about Sex and You (ages 11-14). The age recommendations are suggestions, parents should gage their own child’s readiness. Each book is told from a Christian perspective and gives the necessary information without overwhelming parents or children with topics that are necessary for each age group. I used these books as a conversation starter. I didn’t read word or word but used it as a guide and allowed my 8-year-old daughter to ask the questions she wanted to know and let other topics she didn’t want to know yet for a later date. Despite faith based, it doesn’t shy away from controversial topics and doesn’t speak badly about them, it just states the facts.

In conclusion, October was designated at the National Family Sexuality Education Month to promote conversations between parents and their children. Sex education starts at home. It can start with the basics and grows into more important and difficult topics as children get older. It is important to educate yourself on what information to give at a certain age, how and when to present the information. There are countless of books and other tools for parents to read for themselves as well as to use as part of their conversation. It is not an easy conversation but an important one. And it gets easier with each conversation. You’ll be ready for the difficult questions and topics.

 

References

Berger, Bethany, Shafer, Leah and Williams, Ronesha (May 6, 2019). Sex Ed for the Whole Family. Harvard Graduate School of Education. www.gse.harvard.edu/news/uk/19/05/sex-ed-whole-family. Retrieved October 3, 2020.

Staff (June 6, 2019). Sex education for children: Why parents should talk to their kids about sex. About Kids Health. www.aboutkidshealth.ca/Article?contentid=718&language=English#:~:text=Instilling%20your%20family%20values,of%20the%20discussions%20about%20sexuality. Retrieved October 3, 2020.

 

Resources

Amaze www.amaze.org. Be an Askable Parent

Growing Up Knowing www.growingupknowing.org. 

Parenting: an important job and responsibility

Raising a child is a very important responsibility. Parents are very important figures in a child’s development. Not just physically so they grow up healthy; but also, mentally and emotionally so they grow up to be mature and responsible adults who pass on the same lessons to future generations. Parents shape the future with every action, reaction or even inaction. The decision to have children should not be made lightly as it is a huge life altering event in your life. The Bible has a lot to say about parents and child. Discipline is an important part of parenting and often the most controversial. What exactly does the Bible say about discipline? What are my thoughts on parenting? Should everyone become parents?

Parents shape the future. Parents shape the world’s future by the way they shape their children’s values. When you show and teach your children to love and cherish the people in their lives, to help those in need and live responsibly and rightly, children will grow up to do the same. We need to steer children toward Christ by our example, our words and our acts of kindness. However, on the flip side, if you teach your child it is okay to cheat, lie and even hurt those around them, they will repeat those actions. In Genesis 26:7-11, Isaac lied about Rebekah being his sister just like his father, Abraham, lied and presented his wife, Sarah, as his sister. Not just once but twice (Genesis 12:10-14 and 20:1-4)! Our actions affect our children. Exodus 34:7 states that the punishment of sins will affect the third and fourth generations. This means that the consequences of sins will be felt and spread to future generations. When parents teach the sins of greed, selfishness and other destructive behaviors, the cycle continues into future generations. Parents are responsible to teach their children about God, teaching His Word. We are to teach them about God in everything we do and everywhere you go. Psalm 22:30-31 says “Posterity will serve him; future generations will be told about the Lord. They will proclaim his righteousness to a people yet unborn-for he has done it.” If we want our children to know the Lord, we must teach them. We cannot leave it to the church, and Sunday school teachers. Just like with their education in school, everything starts and continues with parents. Church, Sunday school teachers and education teachers are only added to the team to instruct children; however, parents are the first and most important teachers.

Parenting is an awesome and scary responsibility. Discipline is an important responsibility in parenting as it is used to mold and shape our children. It is also one of the most difficult tasks to do and follow through. The Bible has a great example: King David. 2 Samuel 14:33 demonstrates David’s halfhearted approach to parenting led to sad situations. David didn’t punish Ammon for his sin against Tamar nor did he decisively deal with Absalom’s murder of Ammon. This indecision would lead to David’s undoing and turmoil in the kingdom following his reign. However, some parents take it to extreme and are too strict that they stifle their children. Many people quote Proverbs 13: 24 “He who spares the rod hates his son” to justify corporal punishment. However, they forget or ignore the second part, “but he who loves him is careful to disciple him.” Parents need to exercise their authority with caution and grace. Actions speak louder than words. Children learn values, morals, and priorities by observing how their parents act and react every day. The “Do as I say and not as I do” cliché doesn’t work. They cannot and should not be beaten into behaving. Sometimes, despite our best effort, our children will choose the wrong path. For example, in 1 Samuel 8:1-3, As an old man, Samuel appointed his sons as judges; however, these men were corrupt and did not serve as their father did. The Bible does not tell us if it was Samuel’s parenting that led to the men’s corrupt behaviors. However, it is an example to us parents, that when your children are grown, we must realize that our control and influence over them can dwindle. All we can do is pray that they return to God and the path we tried to teach them.

As I have mentioned in previous posts, I have always dreamed of having children. I dreamed of my children and even had their names picked out before I even close to being married. My journey to motherhood has been a rocky one and despite my desires to be a mother, I was not prepared for the demands a child has on you physically, emotionally and mentally. However, I learned quickly, and I take my job as a mother very seriously. I’m lucky that I have a husband who is equally committed to his job as a father that we are often on the same page when it comes to the demands of parenthood. Even though I grew up around babies and young children and my husband was even used to being around young children, it is very different when it’s your own child. You find yourself filling with doubt at every decision. Breastfeeding or formula? Vaccinations or not? This diaper or that one? Is the baby too warm? Too cold? Preschool or not? Is my child ready for school? Will she fall behind? Am I doing enough to prepare her for the challenges she will face in the future? Parenting is more than just putting food on the table, providing clothes and shoes. When people think of children, they think of the physical provisions. How many of you had a parenting class in high school when you carried around a sack of flour or the doll that cried like a real baby? What did it teach you? It taught you the physical demands of a child. But people often forget or are unprepared for the emotional and psychological needs of a child. This is where the high school programs fail too. Parenting is also being there when the child needs encouragement, instruction and celebration. It is taking an interest in what your child likes and helping her understand why something is inappropriate.

When I was searching for images to include in this post, I came across a quote from Jessica Valenti, an American feminist, from her book, Why Have Kids?: A New Mom Explores the Truth About Parenting and Happiness (2012). She says, “The cultural insistence that parenting is the ‘most important’ job in the world is a smart way to satiate unappreciated women without doing a damn thing for them.” At first, I was angry at this quote. Parenting is a very important job in the world! However, as I thought about it, I realized that she is right. The key word is “most.” While parenting is an important job, it is not the only job a woman can do. All jobs are important in our world, no one job is more important than another. I also realize that when most people think of parents, an image of a mother flashes in their minds. How many products are marketed to women as the parental decision makers? “Choosy moms choose Jif?” Diaper commercials? The Luvs marketing campaign comes to mind. Fathers are often pushed aside when it comes to parenting. And while most fathers gladly take a sideline to raising their children, there are a growing number of men who realize their role as parents and are fighting against the tradition. Raising children is not just the job of the mother. It was designed to be a job for two people. While there are times, I am the main one in charge of certain tasks, for the most part, my husband and I are truly parenting partners. I may make it sound too perfect and I don’t mean to. There are days when I get frustrated and overwhelmed. I’ve learned that I need to say, “hey I need your help!” That is a lesson many mothers need to learn. Asking for help doesn’t mean you are a bad mother. It helps your children learn that it is okay to ask for and receive help when it is needed.

In conclusion, parents are the first important people in a child’s life. They are the first people they looked to for help, guidance, love and comfort. It is an immense responsibility. Everything we do affects our children which is why it is important to be diligent and informed. Parenting is an important job in your life. It is not the only or most important job. Not everyone is destined to be parents and if you don’t think you can meet the demands and challenges that children bring to your life, then you probably aren’t ready for children. It’s okay. I know people who have chosen not to have children, few have regretted that decision while others to not. When deciding to have children, please listen to your heart. Don’t let the opinions of others decide for you.

Fathers are important too: every day not just on Father's Day

Tomorrow is Father’s Day. A day meant to celebrate the fathers in our lives. This day is often not given the same emphasis as Mother’s Day and that just seems so wrong to me. Fathers are central to the emotional well-being of their children. Studies have shown that if a child’s father is affectionate, supportive and involved in a child’s day to day life, he can contribute immensely to a child’s cognitive, language, academic success and social development. Fathers have a great impact on our lives wither its good and bad. Fathers influence our relationships. His relationship with our mothers also influence our relationships. When dads are absent, there are men who step up and take over the role for so many children.  

Fathers influence our relationships in many ways. For a little girl, her father is the first man who will love. The man she will judge all other men by. He is the man who will teach her how a woman is treated and how to interact with men. If he is controlling or abusive and disrespects women, she will grow up thinking it’s okay for a man to beat her and abuse her in many different terrifying ways.  Many people may have the image of Daddy’s little girl as the spoiled brat who gets whatever she wants because daddy says so. Being Daddy’s little girl doesn’t have to be negative. When a dad showers his daughter with affection, with his time and attention, he shows her that she is loved, valued and worthy. Notice I didn’t say showers her with money and gifts. There’s the difference. Girls tend to do better in math and science when they have a good relationship with their father.

For a little boy, Dad is the role model for how a man acts in this world. He will emulate his dad’s behavior in all aspects of his life. As a husband and a father, he learns how to be loving, supportive, and protective of his future wife and children. As an employee, he learns to be hard working and even as a boss, he learns how to be supportive of his employees and a leader. On the flip side, if his dad is abusive and cruel, he will continue this behavior pattern in all of his future relationships. A dad’s influence on his son is not just seen in relationship patterns. In academics, when a boy has an actively involved dad, he tends to get better grades and perform better on achievement tests.

A father’s relationship with his child’s mother is just as important as his relationship with the child. When a child sees his or her dad being loving, affectionate and supportive of his or her mother, he or she learns how healthy relationships are supposed to function. Even during arguments, when a child see his or her parents working out their differences, their conflicts, a child learns conflict resolution. However, when a child sees or hears his or her father disrespecting his or her mother by name calling and demeaning behavior, a son learns it is okay to treat women like that and a girl learns to accept this behavior from other men in her life. I know this is hard for separated and divorced parents. No matter how much he or she may deserve your anger, please refrain from speaking ill of your child’s father or mother in front of them or even when they could be within earshot. Despite your anger, disgust or hurt at his or her behavior, your child is watching. Not only are you possibly tainting his or her relationship with his or her child, you are also teaching him or her to disrespect others simply because you are angry, hurt, etc.

The saying goes “Any man can be a father but it takes a special man to be a dad.” I am grateful that my husband is such a dad. He adores our daughter. He spends time with her, actively talks and plays with her. She eagerly awaits her time with her dad. I also want to acknowledge the extra special men who stepped up to the plate and took the role of dad for so many children whose fathers aren’t here for whatever reason. Grandpas, uncles and stepdads or any man who stepped in and helped mold a child to his or her potential. I’ve been blessed with many male role models in my life when my own father decided not to fight for a place in his children’s lives. My Grandpa Ken and my five uncles taught me a strong work ethic. I’ve watched as my uncles’ build businesses from nothing into successes, persevering to provide for their wives and children, despite struggles and the ups and downs of the business. Through their faith, I learned that God provides through thick and thin. By their example, I married a man who has a strong work ethic. A man who works hard despite his exhaustion and frustration to provide for his family. A man who never gives up, despite his desire to do so, because there are others counting on him.

Despite the hard work of moms and no matter how hard she tries, she cannot replace the importance of a dad. The male influence is just so important to a child’s development and well-being in all aspects of his or her life. I know that some men walk away without a care, leaving behind the children they helped create and it sickens me that some men can be so heartless. So Dads, please take an active role in your child’s life. I know you are tired from work, but you have no idea the impact your full attention has on your child. For non-custodial dads, you can still be active in your child’s life despite not living with them. For the men who have stepped up and became great dads to their children and the men who took responsibility for children who aren’t his, Happy Dad’s Day. You are greater than just a father. You are a boy’s hero and a little girl’s first love. 

Happy Father's Day!

Father’s Day is a day that used to have no meaning. It was a day to honor a man who wasn’t a dad as I deserved or needed. So, it was a day I often ignored. However, it is now a day that I look forward. In order to honor my husband who has taken his role as father very seriously. My husband, from day one, has dived into his role as dad quickly. He learned to change diapers, bathe our daughter and make her bottles and feed her. He has worked long shifts and even longer weeks in order to make sure she has everything she could need or want. 

My husband is not perfect. He tends to jump to angry very easily if Abby were to do something wrong. However, he is quick to calm down and apologize to her and talk about why he got upset. Joe is the one who runs to her rescue when she falls down. He is the one who will make sure she is safe before he leaves. When he leaves in the morning for work and Abby is still asleep, I've seen him lean in real close to her and pray. He asks God to protect her and me while he is away from us. It is the little things like this that I see and I know that  my husband takes his role as father very seriously. 

Fathers are very important in our children’s lives. For the fathers out there who take their responsibilities seriously and with their whole heart, I say thanks. Your children may not remember everything you've ever done for them but they will remember the feelings of securing and love. For the fathers who aren’t taking the time to take care of their children, I hope that you realize that what you do or don’t do in your children’s lives will affect them for the rest of their lives. Believe me, I see the effects every day. It is never too late to be a Dad, it may take more work and effort but you can be a part of your children's lives while you still have time. 

Happy Father’s Day to the Dads who are willing to sit and watch that Disney princess movie one more time with their daughters and who are willing to play catch with their sons even after a hard day’s work. Your time with them is so precious, don’t let it pass.