How to be Lost: a family's recovery from the past

How to be Lost by Amanda Eyre Ward is the story of one woman’s journey to find her missing sister and repair her fractured family. The story follows Caroline as she tries to distance herself from her family as the disappearance of her baby sister, Ellie, still haunts the family gatherings after so many years. At Christmas, her mother approaches her with a request. Head to Montana and see if a woman in the photograph is Ellie and bring her home. Caroline refuses but its only after the sudden loss of her mother does Caroline decide to go. While she’s in Montana, she meets a people who are all running from something. Will she be able to find Ellie? If the woman in the picture is Ellie, can Caroline convince her to come home?

How to be Lost is a wonderful story about family past hurts and how it can still affect the present. I felt the story was very real and the pain and attitudes displayed by each character was heartfelt and realistic. The story also interjects letters from a woman named Agnes. While Caroline is on her journey, the reader is also wondering who is Agnes and how does she fit into the story? I highly recommend How to be Lost.

How to be Lost

Is available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble

Three new children's books for any library collection

Today I have three new children’s book to review!

First, If you were me and lived in…the Ancient Mali Empire by Carole P. Roman and illustrated by Mateya Arkova is a new addition to the series in which children are introduced to the ancient empire of Mali. The book details the empire’s history which was at its height in 1332 and was a vital trade and world power. The book highlights the empire’s Muslim faith and as well as daily life of their homes, food, clothing and cultural practices such as slavery for the salt and gold mines. I enjoyed this book very much as it introduced an empire that I was not aware of and how vital it was to the famous Silk Road. I highly recommend this book for any family or school library.

Second, If you were me and lived on…Mars by Carole P. Roman and illustrated by Mateya Arkova is a fantastical journey to what life on Mars would be like. The story introduces children to the 6 month journey from Earth to Mars. The history behind the name and its place in our solar system. The book also discusses what the living conditions would be like and how the food would be grown on the planet. I enjoyed this book as an interesting approach to introduce the planet to children. I highly recommend this book for any family and school library.

Third, Ellie Camps under the Stars by mother-daughter team of Marci and Elle Fair. It is the sixth book in The Amazing Adventures of Ellie the Elephant series. In this book, Ellie and her friend, Pudgy the penguin go camping. The pitch their tents and sleep under the stars. They go on several hikes and talk about what they see like beautiful waterfalls and amazing mountain views. I enjoyed this book and especially the photos of Ellie and Pudgy on their mountain adventure. I highly recommend this book for any family or school library.

These titles are available on Amazon and Barnes and Noble in paperback and in eBooks. 

Selective Mutism: not just a form of shyness

Selective mutism is the inability to speak in certain situations. It usually occurs in children less than five years old; however, it is not usually noticed until a child starts school. It is often mistaken for shyness. For fans of The Big Bang Theory, selective mutism isn’t a new term. One of the main characters, Raj Koothrappali (played by Kunal Nayyar), suffered from selective mutism until he was able to overcome it at the end of season 6. My interest in selective mutism is much more personal than a character from a favorite TV show. My five year old daughter often won’t speak in social situations in which she is unfamiliar, is the center of attention or speak with adults whom are not active members of her life (i.e. my husband’s work acquaintances). So I’m curious if my daughter suffers from selective mutism and if so, what I can do to help her overcome this problem. In the course of my research, I see that selective mutism is rate. It affects less than one percent of individuals seen in mental health setting.

Causes of selective mutism can stem from an anxiety disorder, self-esteem issues or problems with speech, language and hearing. The symptoms of selective mutism includes a consistent failure to speak in specific social situations where there is an expectations for speaking. The failure to speak interferes with school, work or with social communication. The lack of speech lasts at least a month and the failure to speak is not due to a lack of knowledge of, or comfort with, the spoken language required in the social situation. For example, a non-Spanish speaker not speaking in a situation in which Spanish is being spoken is not selective mutism. The failure to speak is also not due to a communication disorder (i.e. stuttering) and does not occur exclusively during the course of autism spectrum disorders, schizophrenia or other psychotic disorders. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders: Fifth (DSM-V, 2013), children with selective mutism may show anxiety disorders (i.e. social phobia), excessive shyness, fear of social embarrassment and social isolation and withdrawal. Children with selective mutism may also show signs of separation anxiety, frequent tantrums, moodiness, inflexibility, slow to warm up and sleep problems.

If selective mutism is suspected, parents are advised to first, remove all pressure and expectations for the child to speak. Pressuring a child to speak when they won’t, will only add to the anxiety the child is feeling. Second, convey to the child that the parents understand he or she is scared and it is hard to get the words out but Mommy and Daddy are there to help. Third, praise the child’s efforts and accomplishments when a child speaks when they normally wouldn’t. Also support and acknowledge the difficulties and frustrations when a child refuses to speak again. Fourth, if parents are really concerned, they need to speak with their family physician or pediatrician. Beware of doctors and “experts” who see selective mutism as controlling or manipulative behavior or the result of overprotective parents. This is not the case and seek out help from those who truly understand selective mutism.

The diagnosis of selective mutism is very detail and in depth. First, the child is examined by a Speech-Language Pathologist (SLP) as well as the child’s pediatrician and a psychologist or psychiatrist. A complete background is gathered starting with the child’s educational history. The educational history includes academic reports, parent/teacher comments, and any previous testing. A hearing screening is performed to rule out any hearing inability or a middle ear infection. An oral-motor examination is performed in which the coordination and strength of the muscles in the lips, jaws and tongue is tested. The parents/caregivers are interviewed for any suspected problems, environmental factors (i.e. language stimulation), and information about the child’s amount and location of verbal expression. A family history of psychiatric, personality and or physical problems could be attributed to the child’s selective mutism. The child’s speech and language development is examined to see how well the child express himself and understands others. Lastly, a speech and language evaluation will be done to determine the child’s expressive language. This is usually done with the SLP; however, if the child will not speak, a home video of the child speaking is acceptable. A language comprehension is taken in the form of standardized test as well as verbal and non-verbal communication (i.e. pretend play or artistic expressions).

If a child is diagnosed with selective mutism, what is the course of treatment? The SLP will create a behavioral treatment program which will focus on specific speech and language problems or social anxiety issues. First, stimulus fading involves the child in a relaxed situation with someone they talk to freely and a new person is gradually introduced into the room until the child is comfortable talking in front of and with each person. Second, shaping is a structured approach to reinforce all efforts by the child to communicate until audible speech is achieved. These efforts could include gestures, mouthing, or whispers. Third, self-modeling techniques have the child watch videos of himself or herself performing the desired behavior. Self-modeling is used to facilitate self-confidence and carry over behaviors into settings in which the mutism occurs.

I realize that my daughter may not have selective mutism and I have plenty I can do myself to help build her confidence to speak to those she may not be familiar with. I realize that my daughter is a chatterbox at home and in public with people within earshot but the moment she is the center of attention, she clams up. And it’s completely normal. I also realize that shyness is hereditary as I remember being unable to speak freely with people I did not know or even family members I saw often. The fear of saying the wrong thing or even saying it incorrectly, kept me from speaking. Selective mutism is a form of an anxiety disorder and with behavioral treatments, a child can overcome it. It is important to remember to not to pressure a child to speak when they are anxious.  Encourage but do not force. Help build the child’s confidence and he or she may surprise you and speak freely. If in doubt, speak with your child’s doctor for further help.

Resources

American Speech Language Hearing Association: http://www.asha.org/public/speech/disorders/SelectiveMutism/

Selective Mutism Center: http://www.selectivemutismcenter.org/aboutus/whatisselectivemutism

Waiting for Morning: life after a tragic accident

Waiting for Morning by Karen Kingsbury is book 1 of the Forever Faithful series. It’s the story of one woman’s journey after a tragic accident leaves her lost and looking for revenge. Hannah Ryan is a wife and mother with a seemingly perfect life. Until a drunk driving takes the life of her husband, Dr. Tom Ryan, and her oldest daughter, Alicia, and leaves her youngest daughter, Jenny, with life threatening injuries. She immediately flies into action to seek that the driver, Brian Wesley, pays for taking their lives. As Hannah focuses on the upcoming trial, she turns from God and ignores Jenny’s cries for help as she recovers and returns home. Everyone involved from district attorney to the MADD representative seems to be urging her to return to God. Will she listen to what God is trying to tell her? Will she let her anger consume her?

Waiting for Morning is an emotional story of grief, recovery and forgiveness. Hannah is the angry, vengeful aspect of grief. She turns from faith, convinced that God cannot exist if he took her husband and daughter away. Jenny is the survivor who is filled with guilt and depression that she is alive and her father and sister/best friend are not. I enjoyed this story very much. You feel Hannah’s anger and determination. You feel Jenny’s depression. You get angry at Hannah for ignoring Jenny’s needs as she focuses on her own need for revenge. I love the message of the book that forgiveness isn’t just for the person who wronged you, it’s for you as well. I highly recommend Waiting for Morning.

Waiting for Morning

is available on Amazon in paperback and Kindle

and other major booksellers

What does it mean to honor your parents?

What does it truly mean to “honor thy mother and thy father” as stated in Exodus 20:12? Honor is to regard in high respect or esteem. For a young child, obeying your parents is a part of honoring them. When a child listens to, heeds, and submits to his or her parents’ authority, it is honoring them. However, how do you honor your parents when you become an adult? There are some people who interpret this verse as a means that children can never disobey a parent. A child must always do what a parent says even as an adult. Many will fail to seek the out the meaning in the original language in which the command was given. I will discuss common misinterpretations of the commandment as well as the Hebrew word used in the commandment. I will also discuss how to honor parents who are less than honorable.

According to the Matthew Henry Commentary, to honor thy mother and thy father is to “esteem them, shown in our conduct; obedience to their lawful commands.” Essentially, the commentary is stating that children are to come when they are called, do what you are bidden, refrain from what they forbid you, and submit to their counsels and corrections. However, is there a situation in which a child does not need to honor their parents with obedience? Yes! If a parent ever asks a child to do something which contradicts God’s law, the child must obey God’s law first rather than his parents. Acts 5:29 states “But Peter and the apostles answered, “We must obey God rather than men.” In the case of a child disobeying a parent in reverence to God is Jonathan. His father, King Saul, was determined to kill David, God’s anointed king of Israel. And Jonathan knew this was wrong and prevented his father from succeeding (1 Samuel 20:30-34).

In order to examine what God means when He commands that we honor our parents, we must first look at the Hebrew word in the text. In Hebrew, the word, kabed, is used in commandment. It is defined as be heavy, weighty, grievous, hard, rich, glorious, burdensome suggesting a sense of “giving weight to.” The nuance here is important, according to Walter Brueggemann, professor at Columbia Theological Seminary, “the command does not advocate obeying or being subordinate but treating parents with appropriate seriousness” (ProYouth Pages). According to Rabbi Nachum Amsel, honor is a poor translation of the word, kabed. The translation should be dignity. Therefore, we are commanded to dignify our parents and help them keep their dignity. Dignity is defined as the state or quality of being worthy of honor or respect and a sense of pride in oneself; self-respect. To maintain a parent’s dignity is to respect them in a manner which doesn’t diminish their own sense of pride or self-respect.

We are even commanded to honor parents as adults as well even when parents act less than honorably. How do we do that? First, honoring your parents does not mean that you always obey or must tolerate abuse from them or maintain a close relationship with them. 2 Corinthians 6:14 states “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” In essence, if a close relationship with your parents weighs you down, you do not need to do so in order to honor them. Second, you must show them simple respect as your respect. No name calling or mockery. For instances, if you were in a discussion with your parents and you disagree on the topic. Honoring your parents would be to say, “I disagree with that statement” and explain why. Not honoring your parents would be to say “Well, you’re an uninformed moron. You didn’t go to school so what can you possible say about that.” Third, you are to still love them. Matthew 5:44-47 states “But I tell you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be children of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. If you love those who love you, what reward will you get? Are not even the tax collectors doing that? And if you greet only your own people, what are you doing more than others? Do not even pagans do that?” Loving those who are unworthy of your love, even as your parents, carries a far greater reward than loving those who love you.

Therefore, honoring your parents does not mean that you are under their authority for your entire life. To honor your parents to help maintain their dignity with respect. To treat them as you would want to be treated. It doesn’t mean you have to do as they say. You can take their advice with a little more weight than others or not. Loving someone who is unworthy of such an emotion is hard. God commands us to do use because the hate doesn’t hurt the person, it hurts you. It eats at you and hardens your heart. Honoring your parents is about respect and dignity. Honoring is not calling your parents’ names or mocking them in anyway. Does that mean you can’t disagree? No; however, do so respectfully. Parents are given high regard in the Bible and we should regard them in life too. However, that regard does not mean you have to grovel at their feet. 

Resources:

Amsel, Rabbi Nachum (retrieved 2/2/2017): How to show respect for a parent: A Jewish View http://www.myjewishlearning.com/article/how-to-show-respect-for-a-parent-a-jewish-view/

ProYouth Pages (retrieved 2/2/2017): Taking the Fifth: Common Misuse of the Fifth Commandment http://www.proyouthpages.com/5thcommandment.html

The Patriots: a family story of secrets and love of country

The Patriots by Sana Krasikov is a family epic spanning three generations. From Depression era Brooklyn, New York when Florence Fein leaves college to take a job in Moscow. To post-Cold War American, where her son Julian is trying to learn the truth about his mother and her patriotism toward Russia as well trying to convince his own son, Lenny, come home. Julian works for an oil company which takes him to Russia frequently. He learns that the KGB is opening files, he sees his chance to learn the secrets his mother took to her grave. He uses this trip to also plead with his son to return to America as Lenny seems to have inherited his grandmother’s devotion to Russia. Will Julian finally learn the truth about his mother? Will he understand what he learns? Will Lenny return home with Julian? Or will he remain in Russia?

The Patriots is a story told in alternating viewpoints, Florence, Julian and Lenny, as a tale of the one family, two countries and the events which lead to the beginning and end of the Cold War. The writing is beautiful, almost lyrical, with sweeping descriptions of the locations, the emotions and events. I enjoyed the family discovery as an adult child sees his parent in a new light with, possibly, a new understand of her motivations and convictions. I found the book a little hard to read at times with the alternating time line and I suggest make note of the time and location given in an illustration at the start of every chapter. However, I enjoyed it and look forward to reading it again in the future. Overall, if you enjoy historical fiction, you will enjoy The Patriots.

The Patriots

is available on Amazon in hardcover and on the Kindle

and

Barnes and Nobles in hardcover and NookBook

Stars in the Grass: a story of life after a tragedy

Stars in the Grass by Ann Marie Stewart is the story of nine year old Abby McAndrews and her family. While on vacation in the summer of 1970, the family suffers a devastating loss which lives the family scrambling to learn to live in this new life. Her mother, Renee, seems determine to grieve and move on. Her father, John, seems stuck in that moment and refuses to return to his life and job as before. Her older brother, Matt, begins down a destructive path. And Abby is trying to makes sense of everything around her as well as process her own grief and sense of guilt. Told in a year’s time, the family goes through the holidays and community events trying to live life as before. With each passing day, the family tensions grow more and more until the threat of explosion is imminent. Can the family come together and heal? Or will they be torn apart by their grief?

Stars in the Grass is a story of grief and healing. Even though it takes place in 1970/1971, the story could easily happen today. The different responses to grief are very real and the pain seems to leap off the page straight to the reader’s heart. The reader will ache with the Renee, John, Matt and Abby as they try to make sense of what happen. The reader will cry tears of sadness with the family and they will laugh with them as they seem to come to grips with their new reality. I recommend Stars in the Grass as a story of grief and healing in the face of unspeakable tragedy and how those around you can help you heal.

Stars in the Grass

is available today

on Amazon in paperback and on Kindle

and

on Barnes and Noble in paperback and on Nook